Redditor EconomyCharge6507 is a young grandmother who had her first child when she was 18 and her second when she was 21.
While she loves her grandkids dearly, there was an issue that needed addressing.
But when she confronted her daughter and their conversation about parenting went south, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for saying I’m ‘retiring’ from taking care of grandkids full time?”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“My husband and I had our kids young (I was 18 when my daughter was born, 21 when I had my son).”
“My daughter ended up getting pregnant at 16. Even after she moved out and got married, my husband and I were heavily involved in caring for the child.”
“At first because she was young and juggling school alongside being a single mom. Then she finished college, got a great job and her husband has a high paying job as well.”
“They both worked crazy hours and during the time my husband and I should’ve had ‘us time’, we were basically raising a third child.”
“We took him to school, babysat him in the afternoons. He’d spend at least one month with us during the summer. As a result, we are very close. We don’t resent what we did and enjoyed doing it.”
“However, now our grandson is 18 and going off to college across the country. My husband has retired and we want to move down South for better weather and relaxation. It’s been the plan for years. We’re working on selling the house and plan to be down there by Christmas.”
“The issue is, our daughter had a baby-our second grandson-two years ago and is now pregnant again. She quit her job to be a stay-at-home mom with the little one so we haven’t had to do as much with him.”
“We love him and spoil him, but it’s going to be a different relationship. My daughter says we shouldn’t move because she may need our help. I said while her father is retiring from work, I’m retiring from childcare.”
“I want to be the grandmother that sees her grandbabies and spoils them but is not basically raising them. She got offended and said that this is just ‘what grandmothers do’ and I said not all.”
“My son doesn’t mind that we’re moving, he actually lives in a different state and has no plans of having children. We’ll even be closer to him with the move (not extremely but right now we’re 12 hours away, with our new home, we’d be about 4).”
“It’s my daughter and her husband who are mad at us, especially as I said I was ‘retiring.’ They say I make it sound like caring for my grandson was a chore.”
“AITA?”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Most Redditors thought the young grandmother deserved a break.
“The needs of a 16 year old mother and a mother in her 30’s are two extremely different things.”
“You went above and beyond for your grandson. You’re at a different stage in life – and so is your daughter. NTA” – TX_Farmer
“‘They say I make it sound like caring for my grandson was a chore’.”
“Well. It was? That doesn’t mean you didn’t love him or cherish the time you had with him, but you had already struggled through raising your own kids when you were young, and didn’t exactly sign up to raise someone else’s.”
“Your daughter and her husband need to realize that what you did for them & their son was a favor—above and beyond the call of duty, not a responsibility, the same way raising your own kids is. And you in no way OWE them the same unbelievably generous favor with the rest of their kids.”
“Everyone is responsible for raising their own kids**!! Any help you get from parents/grandparents/siblings/friends/etc is a FAVOR and a blessing, not a requirement or a guarantee. The only person who OWES you help raising your kid is the person who helped make that kid.”
“**recognizing your own inability to care for a child and giving that child up for adoption to someone more competent is also fulfilling your parental responsibilities.” – Kathrynlena
“NTA. Childcare is a chore, an incredibly difficult one. It’s often amazingly rewarding, sure, but really hard. You have a right to your own life.”
“I understand that your daughter is upset that she doesn’t get tens of thousands of dollars worth of free childcare anymore, but the onus for the raising the kids is on her & her husband, not you.”
“I was thinking about nah, but your daughter was offended you have your own life? Ugh.” – MetaEvan
“NTA. Either she learns how to make it work and be a real adult with children or you stay a parent. Time to move on and enjoy yourself. Truthfully it’s not offensive. It’s not hurtful, she’s upset she lost her ‘get away from the kids’ free card.”
“Seriously move where the weather is nicer. Where you and your husband can truly enjoy each other. Do not feel bad.”
“You don’t have to regret or resent a situation to admit that you don’t want to do it again, and you shouldn’t have to. Grandparents are not traditionally the parents of their grand kids, so don’t accept that from her.” – SarahGTP
“NTA. She shouldn’t be having kids that she wants someone else to raise.” – ollygollymolly
“NTA. Raising your grandson was a chore. If it wasn’t, they wouldn’t have had you do it.”
“They’re likely mad the free childcare is moving away. If they can afford to be a one income family, they can afford an occasional baby sitter.” – SnooGuavas4531
“NTA. Your daughter is being entitled but I have sympathy with her: the old model of a stay at home parent and a working parent is no longer viable in some places, and it’s clear that grandparents have often stepped up to help.”
“The absolute crisis we had with initial lockdowns, where older people suddenly weren’t able to offer childcare, shows just how large that army of unpaid carers is. Everyone I know with kids has some sorry of unpaid carer support, and the lack of availability of it to us is the main reason why we don’t have them.”
“Although I think your daughter is at fault for acting like this is her right, I do think this is not a ‘you problem’ or a ‘her problem’. We legitimately want long, healthy, fulfilling retirements and a vibrant family life but we have neglected to change our society to allow this: labour still serves capital, rather than the other way round.” – jamboreen_understair
Overall, Redditors agreed the OP was not the a**hole in the situation and they encouraged her and her husband to live their well-deserved freedom from responsibilities in the south.