Grieving is a process that is different for every individual who has lost a loved one.
There is no time limit for processing loss and experiencing the various stages of emotions that vary from intermittent depression and anger.
You would think those closest to someone who are bereaved would be supportive and compassionate.
When an individual who recently lost their father responded to their girlfriend a certain way that caused drama, they sought judgement on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor BuildAndChill asked:
“AITA for getting frustrated with my girlfriend’s messages after my Dad just died?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My Dad died a few days ago and I’m mourning him. There were some difficulties with getting my family to organize a celebration of life for him so it’s mainly fallen to me.”
“On top of this, I have a two month deadline to submit a research paper for my job before my contract is up. Afterwards I will have to move to another research institute (likely not in the same country).”
“Finally, I have recently developed frequent gastrointestinal pain which is negatively impacting my quality of life.”
“My girlfriend went to Europe to visit her sister and travel/tour/sightsee. She booked her vacation long before my dad passed and flew out before then as well.”
“I was with my Dad in the hospital for around 14 hours the day before he died. I called her to talk to her and she was supportive, and spent a long time on the phone with me.”
The OP continued:
“Two days later however, while she’s out touring, she sent me pictures of jewelry in the local shops that she likes in order to ‘train me to understand her style.’ “
“I wasn’t very responsive to this, but she seemed adamant that I understand her preferences. The next day she sent me another picture of jewelry and I also wasn’t very responsive.”
“She picked up on this and asked what was wrong, so I told her: ‘My dad just died so jewelry shopping is not going to register in my mind.’ “
“After this she apologized, and I told her I knew she ‘wasn’t trying to be insensitive but that there was a time and place for things like this.’ As far as I was concerned, the issue was settled.”
…Until it wasn’t. The OP said:
“This morning she messages me and tells me that she ‘doesn’t like the way I talked to her yesterday about the jewelry,’ and that it’s ‘better if we don’t talk rather than dealing with our issues over text.’ “
“She said she knows that I ‘have a lot going on’ but that she ‘also has her reasons for sending me messages.’ I don’t know what these reasons are, but I feel hurt by this.”
“From my perspective, my dad just died, much of the death arrangements have fallen to me, I’m weeks behind on work and my girlfriend’s biggest concern is that I told her I didn’t want to talk about jewelry or consider it important.”
“I thought the issue was settled, but evidently, it wasn’t settled for her. I feel like she has been insensitive and hasn’t considered the issues I am facing, even though she knows about all of them.”
“AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (AITA) here.
“Danger, Danger Will Robinson. She sounds extremely self-centered. I would treat this as a major red flag. NTA. I am sorry for your loss.”
– ShiloX35
“This, this, a million times this.”
“Sending jewellery pics to ‘train’; you (I mean, WTF?) is just…something else. Doing this in the first place is a HUGE red flag. Her reaction when you called her out for how it made you feel, is even more alarming.”
“It’s not difficult to anticipate that someone who has literally just lost a loved one needs support and understanding. So it comes across as breathtakingly insensitive and downright weird to start sending them your jewellery ideas, and then pouting when they aren’t very enthusiastic, because, y’know, that person is grieving.”
“I’m so sorry about your Dad – it’s awful losing someone you love. Take care of yourself.”
– Kindly_Umpire750
“It’s a very unsubtle hint she’s expecting an engagement ring soon.”
“But right after your dad dies? OP do yourself a favor and cut her off before she stomps over your mourning even more.”
– RandomNick42
“My father died suddenly last year (today is actually the date we had his funeral). A few minutes before we left, my ex asked me for money. Then a week later, he straight up asked about my dad’s insurance policy, which I told him everything went to my Mom due to her being disabled.”
“I ghosted him soon after that.”
“Op’s girlfriend sounds really self-centered. She chooses the wrong time to have these conversation but when called out, made it about her.”
“I know the stress of planning arrangements and taking care of a loved one’s final business. So, I think OP should cut it off with girlfriend and focus on what you have going on. It’ll be her lost. It may hurt, but it’s worth it. You’ll definitely find someone better.”
– OMGSheCrazee
“So sorry for your loss, today must have been hard. I lost my mum 18 months ago, and I can honestly say neither myself nor my brother, nor anyone close to us, have mentioned money at all. We’d both give anything to have mum back.”
“Some people are just sh**ty human beings. I always tell my daughter not to let it get to her or spend any time trying to understand them; they are just wired wrong, and it is a waste of energy!!”
– Allyredhen79
“Nah, c’mon. She didn’t send it *before dad died, she waited to verify his death, then she went shopping. Really, people are acting like she did something wrong. She just wants him to spend the inheritance wisely: on her. sarcasm.”
– SweetWaterfall0579
“It sounds like she is expecting an engagement ring. If she is this self-absorbed, I would reconsider the relationship.”
“A severe loss like you have just endured is a time when you find out a lot about the people around you. Tell her you need some space and block her if necessary as she is as sensitive as a rock. NTA.”
– Jealous_Radish_2728
“Sounds like she thinks your going to get inheritance so is making sure she gives you as many messages as possible that she expects you to spend it on her. Not once is she caring about what you are going through and honestly if my partner lost a parent id be flying back home immediately to be by their side and support them. Not only is she only seeing dollar signs but she then takes it to the next level.”
“You made it clear you are struggling and going through enough so what does she do try and turn it on you and make sure to stress you even more.”
“Honestly this is totally heartless and if your partner doesn’t support you fully in a major crisis and time in life like this then heck no. Why be with someone who clearly doesn’t care about you and what you’re going through.”
“She is only caring about her greedy wants and training you. Hell no your not a dog or a bank for her. I’d be separating and most likely splitting up over this crap.”
“She wronged you all whilst she was enjoying herself whilst your heart was broken and in grief. Then she doubles down to try and teach you not to cross her and just to give her her demands and wants. Well your needs top her wants and she’s shown she clearly has no respect or actual care for you.”
“You’d be wronging yourself to stay with her. If she won’t support you through this then she won’t support you no matter what you go through in life. In fact she will go out her way to add more upset and stress for you. Just walk way.”
“Block and get through the funeral and have her bags packed and your locks changed. Let one of her family know you will be dropping off her stuff when you can manage.”
– Sweet-Interview5620
“Respond accordingly.. ‘No need to worry about texting or talking or reasons to send me messages anymore. We’re done. Enjoy the rest of your trip.'”
“Then instantly block her.”
– Scenarioing
“I’m a woman who’s got very specific taste in jewelry and f’k that insensitive a**hat of a girlfriend.”
“How bloody dare she. During the most stressful part of your life, she not only expects her part to be done in one day (oh, you’re STILL grieving?!) she’s expecting your world to revolve around her joy?! When you dad just died?”
“F’k her. ‘Oh, you’ve trained me alright. Trained me to think I deserve to be treated like sh*t by you and be grateful. But thanks for the eye-opener. Your actions have shown me who you are.’”
– ConsequenceNovel101
Overall, empathetic Redditors thought the girlfriend’s behavior of prioritizing her own interests above the OP’s grief was a major red flag.
They also suggested the OP walk away from the relationship as her behavior was an indication of more self-serving issues to come.