Grieving is a process that is different for every individual who has lost a loved one.
There is no time limit for processing loss and experiencing the various stages of emotions that vary from intermittent depression and anger.
You would think those closest to someone who are bereaved would be supportive and compassionate.
When an individual who recently lost their father responded to their girlfriend a certain way that caused drama, they sought judgement on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor BuildAndChill asked:
"AITA for getting frustrated with my girlfriend's messages after my Dad just died?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My Dad died a few days ago and I'm mourning him. There were some difficulties with getting my family to organize a celebration of life for him so it's mainly fallen to me."
"On top of this, I have a two month deadline to submit a research paper for my job before my contract is up. Afterwards I will have to move to another research institute (likely not in the same country)."
"Finally, I have recently developed frequent gastrointestinal pain which is negatively impacting my quality of life."
"My girlfriend went to Europe to visit her sister and travel/tour/sightsee. She booked her vacation long before my dad passed and flew out before then as well."
"I was with my Dad in the hospital for around 14 hours the day before he died. I called her to talk to her and she was supportive, and spent a long time on the phone with me."
The OP continued:
"Two days later however, while she's out touring, she sent me pictures of jewelry in the local shops that she likes in order to 'train me to understand her style.' "
"I wasn't very responsive to this, but she seemed adamant that I understand her preferences. The next day she sent me another picture of jewelry and I also wasn't very responsive."
"She picked up on this and asked what was wrong, so I told her: 'My dad just died so jewelry shopping is not going to register in my mind.' "
"After this she apologized, and I told her I knew she 'wasn't trying to be insensitive but that there was a time and place for things like this.' As far as I was concerned, the issue was settled."
...Until it wasn't. The OP said:
"This morning she messages me and tells me that she 'doesn't like the way I talked to her yesterday about the jewelry,' and that it's 'better if we don't talk rather than dealing with our issues over text.' "
"She said she knows that I 'have a lot going on' but that she 'also has her reasons for sending me messages.' I don't know what these reasons are, but I feel hurt by this."
"From my perspective, my dad just died, much of the death arrangements have fallen to me, I'm weeks behind on work and my girlfriend's biggest concern is that I told her I didn't want to talk about jewelry or consider it important."
"I thought the issue was settled, but evidently, it wasn't settled for her. I feel like she has been insensitive and hasn't considered the issues I am facing, even though she knows about all of them."
"AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (AITA) here.
"Danger, Danger Will Robinson. She sounds extremely self-centered. I would treat this as a major red flag. NTA. I am sorry for your loss."
– ShiloX35
"This, this, a million times this."
"Sending jewellery pics to 'train'; you (I mean, WTF?) is just...something else. Doing this in the first place is a HUGE red flag. Her reaction when you called her out for how it made you feel, is even more alarming."
"It's not difficult to anticipate that someone who has literally just lost a loved one needs support and understanding. So it comes across as breathtakingly insensitive and downright weird to start sending them your jewellery ideas, and then pouting when they aren't very enthusiastic, because, y'know, that person is grieving."
"I'm so sorry about your Dad - it's awful losing someone you love. Take care of yourself."
– Kindly_Umpire750
"It's a very unsubtle hint she's expecting an engagement ring soon."
"But right after your dad dies? OP do yourself a favor and cut her off before she stomps over your mourning even more."
– RandomNick42
"My father died suddenly last year (today is actually the date we had his funeral). A few minutes before we left, my ex asked me for money. Then a week later, he straight up asked about my dad's insurance policy, which I told him everything went to my Mom due to her being disabled."
"I ghosted him soon after that."
"Op's girlfriend sounds really self-centered. She chooses the wrong time to have these conversation but when called out, made it about her."
"I know the stress of planning arrangements and taking care of a loved one's final business. So, I think OP should cut it off with girlfriend and focus on what you have going on. It'll be her lost. It may hurt, but it's worth it. You'll definitely find someone better."
– OMGSheCrazee
"So sorry for your loss, today must have been hard. I lost my mum 18 months ago, and I can honestly say neither myself nor my brother, nor anyone close to us, have mentioned money at all. We'd both give anything to have mum back."
"Some people are just sh**ty human beings. I always tell my daughter not to let it get to her or spend any time trying to understand them; they are just wired wrong, and it is a waste of energy!!"
– Allyredhen79
"Nah, c'mon. She didn't send it *before dad died, she waited to verify his death, then she went shopping. Really, people are acting like she did something wrong. She just wants him to spend the inheritance wisely: on her. sarcasm."
– SweetWaterfall0579
"It sounds like she is expecting an engagement ring. If she is this self-absorbed, I would reconsider the relationship."
"A severe loss like you have just endured is a time when you find out a lot about the people around you. Tell her you need some space and block her if necessary as she is as sensitive as a rock. NTA."
– Jealous_Radish_2728
"Sounds like she thinks your going to get inheritance so is making sure she gives you as many messages as possible that she expects you to spend it on her. Not once is she caring about what you are going through and honestly if my partner lost a parent id be flying back home immediately to be by their side and support them. Not only is she only seeing dollar signs but she then takes it to the next level."
"You made it clear you are struggling and going through enough so what does she do try and turn it on you and make sure to stress you even more."
"Honestly this is totally heartless and if your partner doesn't support you fully in a major crisis and time in life like this then heck no. Why be with someone who clearly doesn't care about you and what you're going through."
"She is only caring about her greedy wants and training you. Hell no your not a dog or a bank for her. I'd be separating and most likely splitting up over this crap."
"She wronged you all whilst she was enjoying herself whilst your heart was broken and in grief. Then she doubles down to try and teach you not to cross her and just to give her her demands and wants. Well your needs top her wants and she's shown she clearly has no respect or actual care for you."
"You'd be wronging yourself to stay with her. If she won't support you through this then she won't support you no matter what you go through in life. In fact she will go out her way to add more upset and stress for you. Just walk way."
"Block and get through the funeral and have her bags packed and your locks changed. Let one of her family know you will be dropping off her stuff when you can manage."
– Sweet-Interview5620
"Respond accordingly.. 'No need to worry about texting or talking or reasons to send me messages anymore. We're done. Enjoy the rest of your trip.'"
"Then instantly block her."
– Scenarioing
"I'm a woman who's got very specific taste in jewelry and f'k that insensitive a**hat of a girlfriend."
"How bloody dare she. During the most stressful part of your life, she not only expects her part to be done in one day (oh, you're STILL grieving?!) she's expecting your world to revolve around her joy?! When you dad just died?"
"F'k her. 'Oh, you've trained me alright. Trained me to think I deserve to be treated like sh*t by you and be grateful. But thanks for the eye-opener. Your actions have shown me who you are.'"
– ConsequenceNovel101
Overall, empathetic Redditors thought the girlfriend's behavior of prioritizing her own interests above the OP's grief was a major red flag.
They also suggested the OP walk away from the relationship as her behavior was an indication of more self-serving issues to come.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.