While individualism and self-expression are becoming more popular and accepted practices, there are unfortunately still people in the world who feel they have a right to judge someone based on how they live.
That also includes judging them for their family histories and cultural expression, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
While Redditor OkTransition2475's wife was Hispanic, she was raised in the United States and did not speak Spanish, which apparently "disqualified" her as Hispanic for some people.
But when their coworkers spoke up about it at work, the Original Poster (OP) set a new boundary.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for calling out my coworker's racist remarks about my wife?"
The OP had a strong relationship with their wife.
"My wife and I are 27 with 3 kids. She stays home, I go to work. She's the only girlfriend I ever had, and I'm the only boyfriend she's ever had. In the last 12 years, I don't think we've fought once."
"Anyway, my wife is Mexican. I'm as white as they come. She has no accent and doesn't even know Spanish, so sometimes people are a little surprised to hear her talk, which I understand."
"There was a function for work and she was my plus-one, and she met a lot of my coworkers. They all seemed to really like her. Also, most of my coworkers are women."
The OP got to talking with a coworker about their wife.
"Well, yesterday, I was at my desk finishing things up and packing up my backpack to go home, and a coworker complimented it."
"She said she's been looking for a purse that looks like my backpack, and I said, 'Ah, thank you, my wife got this for me a couple of years ago.'"
"She said, 'You have a wife?'"
"I said yes, and she was asking me questions about her. Not in a weird way, she just wanted to know about her."
"Once I mentioned she is of Mexican decent, she said, 'Wow, does she know Spanish?'"
"And I was going to say no, but this one lady I don't even like that much said, 'No, she's white-washed.'"
The OP spoke up about this comment.
"I might have taken it a little too far, but I stood up and told her that's racist, and if she talks about my wife like that again, there's going to be a problem."
"Everyone got p**sed at me and said it was just a joke."
"I don't know, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the coworker's comments were racist and completely unnecessary.
"NTA! I reacted the same way when someone made a derogatory comment about my wife's Indian (as in India) ancestry. They also claimed it was a joke."
"Painting a thin veneer of 'humor' over racism doesn't change the ugliness behind it." - myturn4funDan
"NTA. I would have done the same thing in your shoes. It wouldn't matter to me if it was a joke, if I find a remark to be rude, then I find it to be rude, and I will act accordingly."
"In my opinion, you did the right thing, OP." - babsieofsuburbia
"As someone of Mexican descent, not only is it racist, but ignorant and insulting. Especially given that I doubt your coworker knows your wife well at all."
"Plus, for those of us that don't speak Spanish or are more white-passing, it can be a sensitive topic about being mixed and being rejected from both sides because you're not 'enough' of either one."
"Way to go to stick up for your wife and POC in general. NTA." - childofthe_stars
"NTA. That was an unnecessary, racist and weird thing to say. I'm in the US, born here, heritage is Italian and Middle Eastern. I am not bilingual. It happens." - ServelanDarrow
"I am Mexican, I speak fluent Spanish, read and write as well, I am truly blessed for this. When I was younger I used to think just like this, 'Oh they are whitewashed or just too lazy to learn,' but life has taught me differently."
"In many cases, parents didn't want to teach Spanish to their children for fear that they will be ridiculed and bullied in school for speaking Spanish. Many parents were beaten in school for speaking it, so they would never teach their children, why would they? Some parents just didn't teach it for their own reasons."
"Knowing this now as an adult, I would never say such a thing. Most of the time these people already feel awful for not knowing their native tongue and have already suffered so much ridicule from people like me who know the language well."
"It is racist even for another Mexican to say this to her. I mess around with my close friends who don't speak it but that is only because they already know how I truly feel about it. They know I will defend them if someone tries to be serious about the subject and I also try to help them learn as much as I can."
"This is racist and it's not funny." - CatrinaMuerta80
"NTA. Please continue to stick up for your wife."
"I am Black, Mexican, and Puerto Rican, and it's extremely frustrating when I'm told because I'm 'mixed' or light-skinned that I don't have a place to speak on black topics. Or when I'm looked at negatively or talked about because I don't speak Spanish (grandparents never taught their kids because they didn't 'want them in their business)."
"It makes me feel like I don't belong to any community of people sometimes."
"I know it's not the same thing, but sometimes we do need someone to go to bat for us, and this being your wife and her not being present to defend herself (behind an ignorant comment at that), it's great that you said what you did." - madmaxxx5
Others thought the OP should start a record with Human Resources (HR) now.
"NTA."
"Clearly, it was not a joke. Maybe it was meant in a lighthearted way (kind of like how two guy friends would banter with each other), but that is way out of line for work/office talk unless it's from a good friend."
"If she/someone else brings it up again, say, 'Well, we could take it to HR and discuss the racist remark with them and see how they feel about it.' My guess is they shut down, backup, and shut up really quickly."
"I'm glad you stood your ground, even if a few people in the office think you're an AH for it. At least they know your wife is off-limits." - No_Engineering6617
"I'd go now. The coworker might say OP is creating a hostile environment since 'everyone' is p**sed. Just lay out your side before you're chasing it. Especially if any of those people have friends in HR." - Big_Tap1859
"OP should still go to HR about this situation so it is documented that this coworker was being racist about his wife. Extremely unacceptable."
"Send this in an email and blind CC yourself. This email will serve as a record and as receipts, and as I am always saying RECEIPTS ARE LIFE AND CAN HELP SAVE YOURS!!"
"OP is NTA and kudos for not letting the coworker get away with that racist nonsense." - bustakita
"Definitely go to HR immediately and make a record of the interaction. Not doing so risks HR getting a report with a twisted version of this where you went off on a coworker for no reason instead of this being a case of the coworker making racist statements."
"Note that workplace discrimination and hostile workplace laws do come into play here and OP was targeted." - Owain-X
"NTA."
"This is a work environment and it needs to be welcoming and friendly for all. Go to HR next time, or heck, even this time if you want." - Thediciplematt
"Storytime, it's lengthy but related to this situation. I worked as a bank teller last year at a large Bank you have definitely heard of. I had a teller lead that was hired when I was hired, and all of us that worked on the teller line were white women."
"Well, my teller lead had decided that because we were all white women, it was acceptable to make racist comments. (It started off with things like telling me I'm not allowed to shop at the Walmart in this part of town because it's ghetto and for Black people, and how there was a Hispanic woman in front of her at the white Walmart paying with food stamps, and how Mexicans all come to steal our resources)."
"I want it to be clear my coworker and I never entertained her comments or agreed in any way, we basically just ignored her and hoped she would get the hint without making it a big deal."
"One day, she was talking about how she had thick and kinky hair, and I said I have the opposite issue of having fine hair. She replied, 'You're lucky you have white girl hair, I call this my [n-word] hair' in a hushed tone."
"I reported her to my boss, who didn't report it to HR, unbeknownst to me. After that, the teller lead tried to retaliate by trying to get me in trouble, telling me I wasn't allowed to use my accent and have to change it (I'm from Maine), etc."
"I ended that job because of her and went to Hawaii for a couple of months vacation before looking for new work."
"While I was in Hawaii, I was called for an exit interview. I basically said, 'I loved the job, the company, and the branch manager. The only issue I had was with the teller lead and the racist remarks.'"
"This was the first HR heard of it. They seized my work emails, calls, and verified with the assistant branch manager that I made the racism report."
"My coworker told me last month that the teller lead and the assistant manager were fired. HR doesn't play with this type of thing." - niceadvicehomeslice
The subReddit was grateful that the OP was willing to speak up on behalf of their wife, and they hoped that they would also share what happened with Human Resources, even just for the sake of record-keeping.
This may have been meant as a joke, but if it wasn't, it's better to note it sooner rather than later.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.