Trust is implicit to every relationship.
If there is no trust, then the relationship will suffer, if not wither.
So what happens when the trust in a relationship isn't just damaged, but there are legal ramifications to the betrayal?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) nruri409 when they came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
They asked,
"AITA for withholding rent until my bf pays his speeding ticket?"
OP began got right to the situation involved.
"My bf 'borrowed' my car without my permission last month."
"I was traveling and his car was at the shop so he took my car to hang out with friends without asking me."
"I'm sure he was drinking but he denies it and last week I got a speeding bill for $115 and the speed camera time was the same time I was out of town so I knew he must have gone out without my car."
"He denies speeding and said I agreed to let him use my car but I 100% didn't and he never asked."
"He says it's under my plate number so I have to pay and is refusing to pay it."
"So I'm taking $115 from my rent this month and he's pissed because he saying I'm responsible for my half of the rent and I'm pissed because he sped with my car and now won't pay the speeding ticket."
Left to wonder if they were wrong or not, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Many wondered about the relationship as a whole.
"NTA"
"Is this really the relationship you want to be in?" ~ Similar_Pineapple418
"This."
"As someone who has been in this relationship (without the ticket), get out while you can. I would wake up to my car gone and then would be late to work, or my bank card gone and he'll 'pay me back'. It doesn't get better" ~ Apprehensive_Rip8990
"Agreed."
"Dated a guy in college who would 'borrow' my car even though he had his own."
"He racked up multiple parking tickets (on campus), he didn't pay them or tell me about any of them."
"Parking tickets at our university were specific to the owner of the parking pass on the vehicle, which was me."
"Found out about them all when there was a hold on my application to graduate because of unpaid parking tickets."
"I knew they weren't from me because they were in lots I never parked in, and I was always very careful to park only where my pass allowed."
"I confronted him and he went all deer in the headlights and had all kinds of excuses, and claimed he'd pay me back. He never did. It never got better."
"OP, you're NTA, because you're never going to get that money back any other way, but I'm going to repeat what everyone else is saying -"
"You need to consider if this is a relationship you want to be in. This guy doesn't respect you or your property and he's unlikely to change." ~ RedRose_812
Some had ideas about next steps.
"It's a hassle but OP can contact the court and say they weren't in town, ask for the photo and then say it wasn't them, of course it's a somewhat nuclear approach as it often requires that they report the car stolen or say who was driving it but it sounds about right to me."
"BF should be an ex" ~ mortgage_gurl
"Assuming you have proof you were out of town, you can fight the ticket and inform them it was not you who was driving and the individual did not have permission."
"Point out your boyfriend would then mean the ticket would transfer to him and he may also get arrested for unauthorized use of a vehicle."
"But withholding rent could cause you both to get evicted." ~ rjhancock
Others pointed out how big a problem this could be.
"NTA!"
"He stole your car!"
"You would be within your right to press charges."
"He should be grateful you haven't sent him to jail over this."
"Frankly, you should dump your boyfriend, because if he sees nothing wrong with stealing a car and driving while drunk, what other crimes does commit and rationalize to himself?"
"Edit:"
"Also if he refuses to pay for the ticket, you could take him to small claims court over it." ~ divorced-land-owner
Commenters pointed out that this is a learning experience.
"Lovely relationship you've got there."
"A boyfriend who steals your car, drives drunk, gets a speeding ticket, and then refuses to pay for it? Sounds like a real winner."
"Do I think you would be the asshole? Not necessarily."
"Is this a smart course of action? No."
"The only person you're punishing here is yourself. If he doesn't come up with the extra $115, then you now have a problem with your boyfriend and your landlord."
"Don't create more problems for yourself. NTA." ~ salmonberrycreek
"Sometimes you have to accept $115 is a small price to pay to find out it's time for a different relationship."
"NTA but TA to yourself if you stay with this user." ~ formidable-opponent
"Agreed on it not being smart to deduct it from OP's portion of the rent."
"The traffic violation and the apartment lease agreement have nothing to do with one another."
"The landlord is going to want the full amount, and won't care about any interpersonal squabbles. And getting a ding on your rental history will create more trouble than a couple of points on your driving record."
"OP should, IMO, pay their full share of the rent (with the intent of leaving as soon as possible -- the lease should be consulted to see what happens when one person moves out before lease agreement is up)."
"OP should face the reality that she very well may end up paying the speeding ticket fee regardless, and that would be a CHEAP way to have found out that this guy cannot be relied upon." ~ This_Miaou
And of course, all the red flags.
"NTA."
"Usually I hate when Reddit tells people to just break up with their significant other but…"
"He lies to you"
"He doesn't respect your things"
"He drives under the influence"
"He gets angry with you for calling him out on his BS"
"Some red flags, to say the least. He's a major AH" ~ Mucho_Maas_
"NTA & are you sure you want to be with this guy?"
"Someone who borrowed your car without permission & got a speeding ticket & will not pay it & is fine with you paying for his mistake? Major red flag 🚩 there" ~ dwassell73
"NTA not only is he lying to you,"
"He is also trying to gaslight you."
"Your relationship dynamics are a bit alien to me, but surely he's aware of the proof (this ticket and the fact you where away). Is this normal for you guys?"
"Also even if you gave him permission he still got you a ticket and should pay up. Be careful with not paying your rent, can lead to sticky situations with future references." ~ gumlisoddcousin
"NTA."
"No idea how long you two have been together, maybe this was the first incident, maybe his behaviour changed recently, I can't tell."
This is too late for red flags, this is RED ALERT!
"Honestly, I wouldn't just withhold rent, I'd start gradually moving out and get the rest of my stuff when he's not home."
"You can fight that in court."
"Not sure how it works in your country, but over here they first charge the owner of the vehicle, EDIT: [but they go after the driver if the owner] can prove that they weren't driving at the time."
"You may have travel receipts from elsewhere, showing you weren't in the area."
"The speeding ticket is not the issue here, though.If your boyfriend was reasonable, he'd've had admitted to taking your car and apologized for it (well, if he was truly reasonable, he'd asked for your permission beforehand)."
"Instead he keeps lying and tries to gaslight you into believing you gave him permission."
"Him getting upset about you withholding not even all of your part of the rent, but just the part he rightfully OWES you is just AH behavior."
"He showed you his true self. Believe him and RUN!" ~ KatKaleen
Some pointed out that this could lead to bigger problems.
"NTA and that boy needs to be dumped, pronto."
"He's lied to you, put himself and many other people in a dangerous situation (seriously, driving drunk would be a one shot to dumpsville for me) and is refusing to pay for his mistakes and instead blaming you and expecting you to deal with a situation he caused."
"He STOLE YOUR CAR."
"I don't lend my car out to ANYONE, and I honestly don't understand people who do unless it's an emergency."
"I have been lent a car a total of once - by a friend who needed me to be able to come to her house to take care of her dogs while she and her family were on a trip to visit a dying relative, and I didn't have a car."
"And even then, she knows me well enough to know that I drive like a grandma, have never been in an accident or had a ticket of any kind (knock on wood) and would absolutely pay for any damage or anything I incurred."
"I made sure to fill the tank up before I gave it back and vacuumed it out and wiped the dust off the dash and all and went through a car wash - I firmly believe that if someone lends you something, you should strive to give it back in better shape than when it was loaned to you."
"He put himself and others in danger."
"He cost you money and this ticket could go on your record and cause your insurance costs to rise."
"He's gaslighting you about whether or not you allowed it, and is yelling at you for a mistake he made, he expects you to literally pay for his mistake and is throwing a fit when you refuse to."
"Report that the car was stolen and show proof that you were out of town at the time."
"See if the cameras show him driving. If you have evidence that he was drunk at the time, provide that too. He will never learn if he's not forced to face consequences." ~ Dark_Moonstruck
Remember to believe people when they tell you who they are.
Especially when that notice comes with a court date.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.