Beauty is in the beholder, but what if the one beholding you tells you you're not as hot as you think?
That's the question Redditor throwRA_trophy_gf found themselves asking after they told their significant other he wasn't punching above his weight class dating her.
She did not take it well.
So he turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for some help.
Redditor throwRA_trophy_gf—the Original Poster (OP)—asked:
"I [31 m(ale)] told my girlfriend [30 f(emale)] that she is not a trophy wife or status symbol and that we are similar in attractiveness, she views it as me calling her old and ugly."
He explained:
"A bit of background my girlfriend and I are 30 and 31 respectively. We have been dating for about a year."
"I work as a high-level engineer at a good firm and my girlfriend works as a payroll specialist at a good firm too. I make significantly more than her (3x)."
"Things were good in our relationship until I showed her my retirement/savings. She now doesn't see the point of working and has started framing our relationship in that, she is the beautiful one and that I am the nerdy engineer that was lucky to have her."
"Before, when we met she was all about making it her own way, eventually starting her own company with her sister in sourcing and recruiting. But now she jokes about driving a Range Rover and wearing Lululemon and going to Yoga."
"We were having a discussion again about this 'trophy wife' stuff she brought up that I was nerdy back in the day while she was very popular. I told her she is not a trophy wife, that yes she is attractive but its not a huge difference between us."
"I told her had it been the case that I met her when she was 22 and I was my current age than sure, but she isn't 22 anymore."
"After I said that she just started crying like crazy."
"She started saying that I think of her as ugly and used up that her best years are behind are. She just told me that if I am not happy to be with her, why am I even here?—to stop wasting her time."
"I tried to talk to her but she was in no state for a conversation. I don't know what to say, guys, for me, I just wanted to say that I think we are of similar attractiveness."
"Like I don't think anyone when they see us turns their head and is like oh she is with him the cause of money? Or damn he is so lucky to be with her."
"I think it's mutual. She was the one that if anything went after my attractiveness first."
"What should I do? I like the fact that we both work and I don't want to change that dynamic."
"And I don't want her to think too that she is above me that I am so lucky to have her."
"I want her to think of us as equals and in my attempt to do that I hurt her feelings."
"What's the next move?"
Redditors suspected this was more about his girlfriend's insecurities than what he said.
"This seems to be a very textbook case of psychological projection. Because of your discrepancy in salary, she likely feels like she is worth less than you."
"She likely feels like her best years are behind her, seeing as you took off and are only going up. Her poking around about her being a trophy wife is her seeking validation that she is not worthless and that you still value her, and her financial contributions are nothing to be ashamed of."
"I don't think she is a gold digger, I think she is taking some hits on her self esteem (through no fault of your/ her own). I think some counseling would go a long way here."
"There is a lot to unpack for both the OP and his girlfriend in this situation; but the point is that is worth unpacking." ~ meg-kil
"I think she feels inadequate because she makes significantly less money than you, and she's trying to compensate for it by telling herself (and you, and possibly others) that she is prettier/better looking."
"Sorta like, I may not have the $$$, but i have better looks and that makes us 'equals'. it's fucked up and disrespectful to you (and herself)."
"I would talk to her and make it clear that you don't see the next 40 years of your life being the sole bread winner. That you prefer a partner who's also working and managing finances."
"If you live together, start splitting your rent + other expenses. Establish norms that make things equitable."
"[Of course], don't put her down in the process. I think a lot of this comes from insecurity over her own financial status." ~ examiner007
"I think that the trophy wife nonsense started when she found out how inadequate her money is compared to yours."
"She was/is ambitious - she wanted success and was confident in her achievements. When she found out that your income created something that SHE wanted to accomplish but is now realizing that she many never get that type of money/success - I think it sent her into a midlife crisis."
"Her new perspective demonstrates her desire to be the best at SOMETHING. The Trophy Wife you kind of described above is a new visual successful image to her - she has money, is beautiful, can wear the name brand clothes, do yoga, and has a husband who appreciates her for her looks because she is 'popular'."
"These examples show that she wants to be appreciated and successful in some aspect of her life. I think she is going the superficial route because she feels like she hasn't achieved the success she wanted at her age, she isn't as financially successful as you, her job has probably peaked in salary, and she needs to feel needed / appreciated / and better than you in some way." ~ Dbomb18
The OP came back to give an update and things had only gotten worse.
"Overall, I wanted my girlfriend to feel special that she is the most beautiful woman in the world, but I don't like it that she is above me. That she is on a pedestal. And that I am this inferior engineer."
"We had a discussion and things honestly just got worse. I tried to talk to her but she was just bringing up the worst things I said to her without any of the context of her basically calling me ugly. Also, she brought up too that my dad was awkward as hell."
"She brings up my comment about me saying that she would be a trophy wife at 22 but not at 30. She goes onto say that all the engineers she has met have a 'chip on their shoulder for not getting laid when they were in college'."
"And she goes onto start saying that that 'bitterness' is coming out thinking that they are entitled to a hot young girlfriend because they couldn't date them in college. And that is why I made that comment trying to tear her down."
"I just got frustrated so I was like yeah I agree, I never was able to get the hot girl in college, and even with all the money I make still can't get them now."
"So, unfortunately, I have to go second-hand and with a couple of wrinkles."
"Again this just set things off… where she called me a misogynist for calling her 'second-hand.' Said that I treated her like a used car. And pretty sure when she tells her friends about our fight that's what she will tell them."
"I don't know what to say, it was just ridiculous like she started this whole thing that I can't get the girls I supposedly 'really want'. Like she is the one making this whole dating thing into have and have nots. So if you want that analogy I will play that analogy too."
"I just agreed with it, and now I am the bad guy. I don't know what to do. She will say 10 bad things about me, that I was ugly that I am lucky to be with her."
"But when I respond she blows up and storms out. I don't know what the hell to do. Like we had fights before, but this just seems to be impossible."
"We had decent communication before but now its trash."
"I don't know what to do. Like I am more than open to a talk without putting each other down but she really wants me to be in some subservient position?"
"I don't know maybe in her past relationships she had that power over guys? Where they were like OMG I am dating someone so attractive. But I am not okay with that, I don't know what she wants at this point. It seems like she is looking for a reason to break up."
"I know some people are saying breakup, but I really was hoping to settle down soon. I hate the idea of starting from scratch all over again in dating. Like we had so many AMAZING times together, and a good idea of the future."
"I was excited, someone beautiful and ambitious, and I got along with well. Now, this? Two months ago we were talking about rings, how many people we would have at our wedding.. Whether we will send our kids to private school or not."
"I don't want to let this go without putting in my all. But I am not going to be in a subservient position. What should I do? How can I handle this properly?"
Redditors were much less sympathetic after the update.
"I mean you f'ked that situation up almost beyond repair with your comment."
"That's just what you never say."
"You might want some counseling to mediate it, but I'm not sure you can come back from that."
"Like yeah she's in the wrong... but y'all both f'ked up." ~ BlackMathNerd
The OP has yet to provide any further updates. Hopefully he found the advice he needed in the many responses he received.
Because the escalating insult war doesn't seem to be working.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.