Holiday gift-giving is supposed to be fun, but when your partner has very different ideas about it than you do, it can quickly become a source of conflict.
A woman on Reddit found herself in this situation with her partner who insists on thrifting all of her gifts.
She wasn't sure about how she responded, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by askingforafriendzone on the site, asked:
"AITA - I hate the xmas gifts I get from my partner, even though I 'asked' for them"
She explained:
"I (30f[emale]) am currently in a fight about this with my partner (35m[ale]). We've been together for about four years now, and a version of this conversation seems to happen a couple times a year. It always, always goes like this:"
"Him: what do you want for Xmas?"
"Me: gives specific answer"
"Him: cool, send me a link."
"Me: sends link"
"Him: you know, I have an old one of those I could fix up for you instead."
"Me: Well… I really like this one because of the color / shape / size/ matches my stuff / have already done the research / etc., and I was thinking of getting it for myself anyway; you don't really have to."
"Him: But I could just give you this one, that's sitting here unused."
"I should mention that we both have well paying jobs, and are childfree. We split bills and mortgage and have savings. We're not rich, but money has not been an issue; we are fortunate."
"We can do 'nice' things like eat take out or go on a small vacation every once in a while. And we communicate well; he admits he needs guidance thinking of gift ideas for people."
"I usually give in because I don't want to seem wasteful or spoiled. I don't need any gifts from him at all, but he always insists for bdays and xmas so I try to be honest and name something I would actually use that's not too expensive, so it's easy for him. But he always gets me a hand-me-down, thrifted, imitation brand or jerry-rigged version."
"One year I pointed out a $75 used bike in a shop. He gave me his old bike. (He's 6'5". I'm 5'4".) Last year I asked for a hot stone massage at a spa, he gave me some massage oil and a 'coupon' for a massage from him. How can I say no to that without sounding ungrateful? (It was lovely, but it was not a real massage, lol.)"
"So now, just this evening he asked again. Me: Well, I have been browsing a new tent for camping this summer - a dome one so we don't have to stoop inside as much when we—"
"Him: Oh cool! My dad has a tent he doesn't use anymore!"
"Me: … … Is it a dome tent?"
"Him: (laughing) no, it's his old army tent—"
"Me: (exploding) why even ask me what I want if it doesn't matter what I actually want - sometimes I just want what I want!"
"Him: Whooooa, you should hear yourself, 'I want, I want!' (backs away with his hands up)"
"I'm sitting in our room alone feeling like a selfish a**hole while he Calls all of the Duties downstairs. He plays that when he's pissed."
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And they were pretty firmly on OP's side in this case.
"NTA! You have every right to be upset. It seems he doesn't care about getting you what you want and he just cares about saving money."
"This is somewhat petty but if you want him to understand what you mean, switch out his call of duty game for a lower quality shooter game (or just a different one) and when he complains tell him that it's the same thing 'it's a video game and it's a shooter game, what the difference?'"
"This is a more aggressive approach but I think it would get it through his head." --Kam_the_devil
"NTA"
"He listens, but not fully/completely which would drive ANY woman utterly insane."
"Try one more time and try to clearly explain the problem- Use this as a specific example - I said a dome. You said you dad has an old tent, but it's not a dome tent. SO your dad's tent is a no bc it's not a DOME tent which is what I'm asking for."
"If he refuses to see the difference (your bike example is ludicrous- did he even ask hey why don't you ride the bike I gave you. Seriously, WTF.) I would refuse to give him anymore gift ideas bc it is obviously pointless and frustrating for you. Let him figure out what to get instead of you giving specifics and he takes them as jumping off points."
"God bless you! The bike would have been my breaking point, lol!" --Specialist_Kandi_77
After reading her fellow Redditors' comments, OP came back with some updates.
"UPDATE: I have found and purchased a copy of Orc Slayer."
"Not sure how to deliver this to him in the most effective way (and selfishly, the most entertaining way for me. I had a sh*tty night.)"
"He slept downstairs in the living room last night and went to work this morning. I didn't wake up when he came in the bedroom to get ready, so I woke up to an empty house and a bunch of really supportive comments — thank you all so much. I'll show him some of them and see what he thinks."
"We usually have good conversations about other differences of opinion, it's really just this stupid 'him getting me stuff I don't want' issue that has been a consistent problem. And because it's the only real disagreement we have, I have always felt really privileged and spoiled to be upset about it. So thank you for showing me that it's okay to 'want what I want.'"
"ONE MORE THING I just bought myself the dome tent! I selected the gift wrapping and added a note that it was from Santa. I'm so excited!!!!! Thank you all so so so so much for giving me the push to do it!"
"I'll post an another, real update after xmas."
Hopefully OP and her partner have a Merry Christmas despite their differences.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.