When a person in your friend group gets constant attention for their looks, it can be easy to feel a bit jealous.
For one guy on Reddit, though, this sort of jealousy on his wife's part toward one of their friends turned into a major conflict--not just between his wife and their friend, but between his wife and himself.
He wasn't sure about how he handled it, so he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by throwawayhusband264 on the site, asked:
"AITA for telling my wife to stop being so jealous of my friends fiance?"
He explained:
"My wife (35F[emale]) and I (36M[ale]) are good friends with another couple my best friend Matt (36M) and his fiance Rachel (24F). Rachel models and is very attractive. My wife is less conventionally attractive but I fell in love with her for her humour and good spirit which I personally find more attractive than good looks."
"Recently I've noticed my wife making a lot of comments about Rachel calling her an airhead and just being kind of mean. When my wife makes these comments in private Im able to stand up for Rachel but when they're made in public I obviously don't want to embarrass my wife by calling her out."
"My wife and I went on a trip away with Matt and Rachel last week which we had been planning for a while and really looking forward to. At dinner one night my wife made a really mean comment after we started talking about the economy. She remarked don't worry Rachel you can join in the conversation once the smart people are done."
"She was the only one who laughed. I was completely embarrassed and once we were alone I told my wife she had been really rude and I was ashamed of her. I told her she needs to stop making nasty comments and she agreed."
"However the next night we all went out to a bar. Rachel was getting a lot of attention from guys there who were sending over drinks. My wife was looking visibly annoyed that she wasn't receiving the same attention so I tried to lift her spirits by paying for all her drinks and making a fuss of her."
"One guy came over and said that Rachel looked just like the model zendaya. My wife let out a massive laugh and said did you mean to say Whoopi Goldberg. I turned to my wife and straight up said you really are so jealous aren't you. She looked hurt but didn't have time to respond as Rachel had left the table in tears."
"I followed Matt and told Rachel directly that I was so sorry for my wife's words and that I was ashamed of her behaviour. When I reunited with my wife she told me I was horrible for calling her jealous infront of everyone and embarrassing her. I told her straight up that she was jealous of Rachel as Rachel is more attractive than her."
"I realise in hindsight this was a very heavy thing to say and can see why she would be hurt by it. However I stand by the fact it was said in anger. AITA?"
"Edit: I forgot to mention that since the trip Matt has messaged me to let me know my wife is no longer welcome at their wedding and that as a couple himself and Rachel have decided they aren't interested in our friendship anymore if my wife is around."
"Rachel feels as if my wife has bullied her and has even suggested that some of the comments were racially motivated. I am so humiliated."
"Edit: Sorry another edit. Just wanted to clarify my wife is stunning. I wouldn't have married her if I didn't think she was beautiful. She is just not as CONVENTIONALLY attractive."
"To me she is the most beautiful women on the planet but objectively Rachel is better looking. I'm very open to being the a**hole in this situation but I definitely wouldn't want people to think I'm not attracted to my wife."
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
For the most part they agreed with OP, though not necessarily with his delivery.
"NTA - Aside from the way you handled it at the end, she's the a**hole. Stop bringing her around when you hang out with Matt and Rachel. Don't lie to her though, just don't bring her anywhere they are going to be. If she doesn't like it then oh well, she doesn't get to bully people and get rewarded." --GentlemanDeeds
"NTA OP the only person here who is not acting like a mature adult is your wife. You talked to her in private and she didn't listen. Unfortunately sometimes people have to be called out in public in order for them to get the point." --Anon-1991-
"NTA she dimmed her own light with her jealousy. She was rude, and hurtful to Rachel. Jealousy does not give you a free pass to put someone down." --madisengreen
"I'm not sure if you're an a**hole here, as you were right to call her out, but you're going to pay for that comment for the rest of your marriage."
"Your wife is an a**hole, and you're in hot water." --Kalenek
After reading his fellow Redditors' comments, OP came back with an update.
"Update: Thanks for the feedback guys. Just to add although I didn't call out my wife in public I regularly called her out in private after she would make comments. The reason we continued to hang out as a group is because my wife reassured me her and Rachel got on well and the comments were in good spirit."
"Matt would also continue to invite us out so I didn't think it was too much of a problem. Also in regards to the free drinks Rachel accepted them for the table. We all shared the drinks and were joking around. The drinks were sent from the same two creepy guys and it wasn't like the whole bar was buying Rachel drinks."
"Matt isn't insecure and would rather accept the free alcohol haha. Also my wife earns more than me so we split costs 50/50 most of the time. I payed for her drinks this time to make her feel better."
"Before I update I also want to make it clear that I don't have feelings for Rachel. I think she is a conventionally attractive girl and she is a model. I'm not even really friends with Rachel as some of you pointed out she's younger so we don't have much in common."
"I also want to make it clear that my wife is conventionally attractive also just less so than Rachel. Rachel is a model. My wife is not. This doesn't mean I don't think my wife is more attractive than Rachel to me. I just mean objectively Rachel is better looking."
"I agree with the comments that both my wife and I were the a**holes in this situation. My wife's behaviour is unacceptable and mine was cruel and have probably done lasting damage to my wife's self-esteem."
"I don't think I'm the a**hole for failing to call out my wife sooner. In my opinion you should never publically criticise your partner so for me telling her privately that the jokes were inappropriate is enough. I also want to point out my wife and I have already had couples counseling and my wife individual therapy."
"When I initially made the comment that Rachel is more attractive than her my wife was furious and rightly so. She said that it was a cruel thing to say and that she wasn't jealous of Rachel and insisted that the jokes were not offensive and everyone was just tiptoeing round the pretty girl."
"When we returned home from the trip and I received Matt's message I let my wife know. At first she was hurt but she eventually came around and said her behaviour was inappropriate. She's admitted that she is jealous of Rachel due to her looks and was embarrassed by her behaviour."
"I also asked her if she felt as if I found Rachel more attractive than her but she said she didn't think that it was just difficult seeing a younger prettier girl get treated way better than her and she felt like second best. I think my wife noticed Rachel getting special treatment from other people and was jealous she didn't receive the same."
"My wife has sent an apology to Rachel but I don't think the friendship is salvageable. I will still attend the wedding but my wife won't be coming along even if she is reinvited. I think it's worth my wife having some more therapy and I'll have to rethink things."
"This had definitely made me see things in a different light and I'm really disappointed. Thanks again everyone for the feedback."
Hopefully OP and his wife can find a way forward from this.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.