There are two points of advice that some wish all who are in a relationship would receive: First, money issues are one of the top strains in a marriage, so communicating about it is key.
Second, a person should remain at least a little independent of their partner, even if it’s only having a savings account for their “fun” expenses.
But a lot of people haven’t received that advice, and it shows, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor inheritance_ismine felt torn about his wife’s recent feelings, as she wanted to be more involved in the decisions surrounding his inheritance.
But since she had previously wanted to be excluded from those decisions, the Original Poster (OP) felt incredibly confused about what was going on.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for not disclosing the details of my inheritance to my wife?”
The OP’s wife received an inheritance from her grandfather.
“My wife has been a SAHW (Stay-At-Home Wife) since the beginning of our marriage.”
“She got an inheritance from her grandfather a few years ago. It was about 5,00,000 INR (Indian Rupee, approximately $652.00 USD).”
She wanted to be able to spend the money however she wanted.
“I was super excited when I came to know about it, thinking that we’d be able to finally repay our previous landlord.”
“However, she refused, saying that it was her money gifted to her by her grandfather.”
“She also said that it was the only money she could claim as ‘just hers,’ so she wanted to keep it.”
“I was super hurt because I’ve never once told her that my earnings were mine only. I always treated it like ‘our’ money.”
“I then told her that if she didn’t share her inheritance, any future inheritances of mine wouldn’t be shared among us, either. She agreed. She then went on to buy herself a car.”
When he received his own inheritance, the OP decided how he would spend it.
“Fast forward to now, almost 4 years later, my parents left me their entire assets, which comes to about 40,00,000 INR (approximately $51,000 USD).”
“I told my wife I got an inheritance and she seemed quite unbothered by it. She said that I can do whatever I want with it.”
2First, I paid off my student loans and bought myself a nice laptop. Then I invested the rest of it.”
But his wife was later upset that she was directly involved in it.
“My wife asked me where I got the money to pay off my student loans and buy myself a laptop.”
“I reminded her about my inheritance.”
“She was surprised that my inheritance was so much and started saying that I was selfish for not having told her the exact amount.”
“I reminded her of our agreement and said that it shouldn’t matter how much inheritance I got since each of us was free to do whatever we wanted with our own inheritances.”
“I also told her that if she’d asked me, I’d have told her.”
“She started crying and said that I kept such a big piece of information away from her.”
“She has locked herself in her room and is refusing to speak to me.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said that the wife deserved to have a safety net, too.
“Did you give her a savings account separate from your joint account when you got married? Because if you didn’t, then you are approaching a**hole territory.”
“She needs a safety net. If you didn’t think people don’t need a separate savings account, then you wouldn’t have one for yourself.”
“Both of you suck here, but you should have understood why she wanted to have her own money put aside in case of a breakdown in the marriage.” – Twallot
“A separate savings account is necessary so either of you have protected money in the event of a separation.”
“Presently she is wholly dependent on your money other than her inheritance, while you are NOT wholly financially dependent on her because you have an established career. Your positions are not equivalent.”
“So you need to compromise and reach an agreement where you are both protected in the event of something catastrophic in the relationship.”
“ESH.” – thirdtryisthecharm
“I agree, fair is fair, so I’m not calling YTA but…”
“When women don’t work and are dependent on their husband’s generosity, it is hard because they don’t really get much ‘free money.’ Everything goes to groceries or house/kid related items and rarely can the woman say, ‘I really love this dress but it’s very expensive. Oh well, I’ll treat myself.'”
“That’s a big difference between SAHWs and women who work, the later control their own money and can decide what to do with it and what they want to splurge on. SAHWs generally don’t have this option.”
“Having been in both positions, I know it’s hard when ýou don’t have any extra money of your own. So I understand your wife wanting to save this extra money she received to spend on a few splurge items, even birthday presents for you.”
“You however, already have an income so to you it’s extra money to add to your existing money. You already have money should you choose to splurge on something. I definitely think paying off the student loan was good use of it and buying a laptop but I don’t think it would kill you to give your wife a bit to do whatever she wants with it and invest the rest.” – Tobywillygal
“Thing is though, she does have a job. She has a 6yo and a 10yo which together arguably consume more than 40 hours a week in man-hours. All of which are unpaid.”
“I’m still going with ESH, because the wife here has no realistic access to financial assets, meanwhile her husband’s access to labor and a large inheritance is effectively access to two major financial sources. It doesn’t feel fair from her point of view.” – DisorganizedSpaghetti
“I’ve read OP’s comments and OP was misleading about his wife being a stay at home wife and not a stay at home mother to 2 kids too. You talk about how much work you do to support the family but do not include any details about what the wife does, being a stay at home wife and mum is an important job, it’s a nanny, cleaner, and cook all in one and it deserves respect as an actual job.”
“Secondly, OP didn’t include details about the fact that he had a second bank account from his parents with his own savings in but the wife has no savings of her own.”
“Cultural context is super key and SAHM are easily abused and have no resources to leave, I don’t blame her for keeping her own money just in case. Plus she may feel guilty spending his money to get things she wants and now she has the freedom and opportunity to manage her own money.”
“I also think it’s rude for OP to assume that the money will all go towards paying off the mortgage as it is her inheritance in the end.”
“Additionally, the difference between OP’s inheritance and his wife’s is huge. I don’t believe that OP didn’t know that he would be getting way more than his wife, considering his parents were also paying into a saving account for him when he was adult. It seemed he accepted the terms because he knew he was going to get the better end of the deal and then was able to hold it over her head later.” – Aquarius-Life
Others disagreed and felt the wife deserved what happened.
“NTA: plus your wife reaction is ridiculously childish.”
“You told her about the inheritance and because you said you would have told her the amount if she asked she runs off and cries. My guess she’s hoping pretending to be hurt will get you to buy her something.” – ImpossibleHand5086
“She thought your inheritance would be on par with hers or less than hers. The second she realizes yours was not only large but significantly larger she wants to go back and change the terms of the agreement she put into motion.”
“Guarantee she would have happily shared her inheritance if she knew how big yours would be and that she’d get half. That’s a real s**tty way to treat your spouse.” – 1ovaryACTION
“She agreed to this completely, 100% with no caveats and with no reservations.”
“In real life inheritances often are not part of a marriage unless mixed in and she completely agreed.”
“How is he the asshole for following HER rules?” – mangled-jimmy-hat
“OP’s wife is hurt because her own actions led to her getting the short end of the stick. Too bad.” – crystallz2000
“OP needn’t feel the least bit bad for his actions. (1) They are completely fair and exactly in accord with the rules his wife wanted. (2) He made very good use of the funds that will actually help both him and his wife much more than her purchase of a new car. There’s no mention of them needing a new car, but the student loan debt would have to be paid no matter what.”
“OP has spared wife from the loss of family funds if he had used family funds to repay his loan. Moreover, he was repaying a debt that he used to improve his professional footing and his income – which she is also benefitting from!”
“Wife is quite selfish and should be ashamed of her perspective. And I say this from the perspective of an Indian wife!” – swillshop
A few questioned how this marriage was even going to work.
“Some marriages are veeeeeery different from mine. My experience in marriage is no basis to judge your altogether different relationship.”
“I suspect that your wife lacked financial agency and her inheritance was meaningful to her life in a way OP-Husband’s wasn’t.”
“Whatever the case, neither of you have succeeded in making the other happy. Strive for that. ESH.” – I_Spot_A**holes
“NTA, but y’all need to change how you deal with your finances, or they will continue to poke holes in your relationship.” – dont_f**kin_die
“ESH. Fair is fair, but you two are going to have a terrible life together if you carry on this way.” – Flat-Ad7294
Most of the subReddit could get behind the idea of the inheritances only being used by the husband or wife, but the dramatic difference in the amount of inheritance, as well as the OP having a savings account where his wife did not, gave the subReddit serious pause.
Everyone should have some savings in case something goes wrong, and from the sound of this post and the OP’s comments, his wife was not set up for success, especially when compared to her husband’s financial situation, and even their chidlren.