There are two points of advice that some wish all who are in a relationship would receive: First, money issues are one of the top strains in a marriage, so communicating about it is key.
Second, a person should remain at least a little independent of their partner, even if it's only having a savings account for their "fun" expenses.
But a lot of people haven't received that advice, and it shows, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor inheritance_ismine felt torn about his wife's recent feelings, as she wanted to be more involved in the decisions surrounding his inheritance.
But since she had previously wanted to be excluded from those decisions, the Original Poster (OP) felt incredibly confused about what was going on.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for not disclosing the details of my inheritance to my wife?"
The OP's wife received an inheritance from her grandfather.
"My wife has been a SAHW (Stay-At-Home Wife) since the beginning of our marriage."
"She got an inheritance from her grandfather a few years ago. It was about 5,00,000 INR (Indian Rupee, approximately $652.00 USD)."
She wanted to be able to spend the money however she wanted.
"I was super excited when I came to know about it, thinking that we'd be able to finally repay our previous landlord."
"However, she refused, saying that it was her money gifted to her by her grandfather."
"She also said that it was the only money she could claim as 'just hers,' so she wanted to keep it."
"I was super hurt because I've never once told her that my earnings were mine only. I always treated it like 'our' money."
"I then told her that if she didn't share her inheritance, any future inheritances of mine wouldn't be shared among us, either. She agreed. She then went on to buy herself a car."
When he received his own inheritance, the OP decided how he would spend it.
"Fast forward to now, almost 4 years later, my parents left me their entire assets, which comes to about 40,00,000 INR (approximately $51,000 USD)."
"I told my wife I got an inheritance and she seemed quite unbothered by it. She said that I can do whatever I want with it."
2First, I paid off my student loans and bought myself a nice laptop. Then I invested the rest of it."
But his wife was later upset that she was directly involved in it.
"My wife asked me where I got the money to pay off my student loans and buy myself a laptop."
"I reminded her about my inheritance."
"She was surprised that my inheritance was so much and started saying that I was selfish for not having told her the exact amount."
"I reminded her of our agreement and said that it shouldn't matter how much inheritance I got since each of us was free to do whatever we wanted with our own inheritances."
"I also told her that if she'd asked me, I'd have told her."
"She started crying and said that I kept such a big piece of information away from her."
"She has locked herself in her room and is refusing to speak to me."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said that the wife deserved to have a safety net, too.
"Did you give her a savings account separate from your joint account when you got married? Because if you didn't, then you are approaching a**hole territory."
"She needs a safety net. If you didn't think people don't need a separate savings account, then you wouldn't have one for yourself."
"Both of you suck here, but you should have understood why she wanted to have her own money put aside in case of a breakdown in the marriage." - Twallot
"A separate savings account is necessary so either of you have protected money in the event of a separation."
"Presently she is wholly dependent on your money other than her inheritance, while you are NOT wholly financially dependent on her because you have an established career. Your positions are not equivalent."
"So you need to compromise and reach an agreement where you are both protected in the event of something catastrophic in the relationship."
"ESH." - thirdtryisthecharm
"I agree, fair is fair, so I'm not calling YTA but..."
"When women don't work and are dependent on their husband's generosity, it is hard because they don't really get much 'free money.' Everything goes to groceries or house/kid related items and rarely can the woman say, 'I really love this dress but it's very expensive. Oh well, I'll treat myself.'"
"That's a big difference between SAHWs and women who work, the later control their own money and can decide what to do with it and what they want to splurge on. SAHWs generally don't have this option."
"Having been in both positions, I know it's hard when ýou don't have any extra money of your own. So I understand your wife wanting to save this extra money she received to spend on a few splurge items, even birthday presents for you."
"You however, already have an income so to you it's extra money to add to your existing money. You already have money should you choose to splurge on something. I definitely think paying off the student loan was good use of it and buying a laptop but I don't think it would kill you to give your wife a bit to do whatever she wants with it and invest the rest." - Tobywillygal
"Thing is though, she does have a job. She has a 6yo and a 10yo which together arguably consume more than 40 hours a week in man-hours. All of which are unpaid."
"I'm still going with ESH, because the wife here has no realistic access to financial assets, meanwhile her husband's access to labor and a large inheritance is effectively access to two major financial sources. It doesn't feel fair from her point of view." - DisorganizedSpaghetti
"YTA."
"I've read OP's comments and OP was misleading about his wife being a stay at home wife and not a stay at home mother to 2 kids too. You talk about how much work you do to support the family but do not include any details about what the wife does, being a stay at home wife and mum is an important job, it's a nanny, cleaner, and cook all in one and it deserves respect as an actual job."
"Secondly, OP didn't include details about the fact that he had a second bank account from his parents with his own savings in but the wife has no savings of her own."
"Cultural context is super key and SAHM are easily abused and have no resources to leave, I don't blame her for keeping her own money just in case. Plus she may feel guilty spending his money to get things she wants and now she has the freedom and opportunity to manage her own money."
"I also think it's rude for OP to assume that the money will all go towards paying off the mortgage as it is her inheritance in the end."
"Additionally, the difference between OP's inheritance and his wife's is huge. I don't believe that OP didn't know that he would be getting way more than his wife, considering his parents were also paying into a saving account for him when he was adult. It seemed he accepted the terms because he knew he was going to get the better end of the deal and then was able to hold it over her head later." - Aquarius-Life
Others disagreed and felt the wife deserved what happened.
"NTA: plus your wife reaction is ridiculously childish."
"You told her about the inheritance and because you said you would have told her the amount if she asked she runs off and cries. My guess she's hoping pretending to be hurt will get you to buy her something." - ImpossibleHand5086
"NTA."
"She thought your inheritance would be on par with hers or less than hers. The second she realizes yours was not only large but significantly larger she wants to go back and change the terms of the agreement she put into motion."
"Guarantee she would have happily shared her inheritance if she knew how big yours would be and that she'd get half. That's a real s**tty way to treat your spouse." - 1ovaryACTION
"She agreed to this completely, 100% with no caveats and with no reservations."
"In real life inheritances often are not part of a marriage unless mixed in and she completely agreed."
"How is he the asshole for following HER rules?" - mangled-jimmy-hat
"OP's wife is hurt because her own actions led to her getting the short end of the stick. Too bad." - crystallz2000
"OP needn't feel the least bit bad for his actions. (1) They are completely fair and exactly in accord with the rules his wife wanted. (2) He made very good use of the funds that will actually help both him and his wife much more than her purchase of a new car. There's no mention of them needing a new car, but the student loan debt would have to be paid no matter what."
"OP has spared wife from the loss of family funds if he had used family funds to repay his loan. Moreover, he was repaying a debt that he used to improve his professional footing and his income - which she is also benefitting from!"
"Wife is quite selfish and should be ashamed of her perspective. And I say this from the perspective of an Indian wife!" - swillshop
A few questioned how this marriage was even going to work.
"Some marriages are veeeeeery different from mine. My experience in marriage is no basis to judge your altogether different relationship."
"I suspect that your wife lacked financial agency and her inheritance was meaningful to her life in a way OP-Husband's wasn't."
"Whatever the case, neither of you have succeeded in making the other happy. Strive for that. ESH." - I_Spot_A**holes
"NTA, but y'all need to change how you deal with your finances, or they will continue to poke holes in your relationship." - dont_f**kin_die
"ESH. Fair is fair, but you two are going to have a terrible life together if you carry on this way." - Flat-Ad7294
Most of the subReddit could get behind the idea of the inheritances only being used by the husband or wife, but the dramatic difference in the amount of inheritance, as well as the OP having a savings account where his wife did not, gave the subReddit serious pause.
Everyone should have some savings in case something goes wrong, and from the sound of this post and the OP's comments, his wife was not set up for success, especially when compared to her husband's financial situation, and even their chidlren.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.