For the more sentimental among us, birthdays and showing the birthday person a good time is incredibly important.
In fact, the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit is ready to question a whole relationship over a disappointing birthday or anniversary.
It started with Redditor DifferentAwareness79, who was disappointed after her husband didn't want to spend time with her at her birthday dinner, even though the meal was a gift.
When her husband refused to apologize, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what to think.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for wanting my husband to talk to me at my birthday dinner?"
The OP's mother gifted her a birthday dinner.
"My husband (58 [Male]) and I (48 [Female]) went out to dinner at a cute little eatery for my birthday."
"We've been married 25 years and rarely eat out. He doesn't like spending money for restaurant food."
"However, my mother, who knows how much I enjoy trying out new restaurants, gave me $100 as a gift and told the hubs she'd babysit so the two of us could eat out."
The OP tried to make it a fun experience.
"It's a beautiful little place, we scored a patio table, and because the hubs wasn't talking, I started making up stories about the people around us, (for example, he's a forensic detective and she sells expensive candles) just silly stuff."
"He still was not talking."
"By the time our entrees showed up, I realized I was essentially talking to myself and felt foolish, so I stopped talking too."
"I'd lost my appetite, so I waited for him to finish and gave the waiter my card, sitting in silence."
Then the OP realized what her husband was doing.
"When we're driving home, I said, 'I know you don't like spending money on eating out, but it was a gift from my mother for my birthday. If you were going to 'punish' me by refusing to talk to me, I wish you'd have just told me, and I would have taken our daughter instead.'"
"He was offended and huffed, 'I have nothing to apologize for!'"
"AITA for thinking he would be pleasant company?"
"I've definitely learned my lesson about taking him to dinner."
The OP added a few more details.
"My husband goes silent and refuses to talk to me as 'punishment' when he gets upset. I didn't realize this was what was happening until around the time the entrees arrived."
"I guess I should have picked it up more quickly but I was excited about being out."
"Also, no, he never said he didn't want to go beforehand. I didn't 'force' him to go."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP should have been able to have a nice time on her birthday.
"Ohhh no, no no no. I'm so sorry he made you feel guilty for enjoying yourself on your special day."
"That was a very thoughtful gift from your mom and I hope you go out again, treat yourself, or take your daughter/mom and fully appreciate the experience. You deserve it."
"I also kindly suggest leaving him. Happiness and compatibility is the key to a life well-lived." - TrashMonster2020
"It's weird to think of it as a waste of money. You're getting your belly full and you can relax while someone else cooks it and you don't have to clean up after."
"He's awful. Next time take someone else and he can stay home and be grumpy. What a big ol' fuddy-duddy!" - coolbeanz68
Others questioned the quality of the OP's marriage.
"OP, the fact that he didn't even have to pay for it and still got mad and treated you that way on your birthday simply because it wasn't something he wanted to do is pretty concerning."
"I'm not one to usually sit here and throw abuse accusations or whatever, but that's pretty effed up. Honestly next time I'd just go with your mom or a friend and leave him at home." - pickledstarfish
"So you really love this man you're with? I really hope you figure out your worth one day and leave him to find someone better. I would be so hurt if my husband did this to me." - Accomplishedpeasnt
"God, I hate how much this reminded me of my dad. He used to do the silent treatment with me anytime I did something to p**s him off, which was pretty frequently because he never told me what I did wrong so I could know for the future. Nope, he'd just start pretending I didn't exist."
"Do you know how much that f**ks up a kid? To suddenly just not be acknowledged anymore? There were times I would question if I was even real or if I had died and he couldn't see me or anything that would make more sense than my dad just suddenly refusing to acknowledge my existence for days or weeks at a time..."
'It didn't matter if I cried, or begged and pleaded, or apologized, or threw a temper tantrum trying desperately to just get someone to acknowledge me. I did something bad and therefore I didn't exist anymore."
"OP, him pulling the silent treatment is not okay. That's not how adults resolve conflicts."
"That's how abusive people gaslight you and manipulate you and I speak from experience when I say I really truly hope that he does not pull this with your kids."
"It's bad enough that he does it to you, but you're an adult and can rationalize what's happening. Your kids can't and believe me when I tell you that behavior can f**k you up well into adulthood." - SpookyScarySteph
Some also recommended what the OP could get her man for his birthday.
"NTA. For his birthday may I recommend a basic book of manners and nothing else." - deco9676
"For his birthday, I recommend divorce papers. Life's too short to waste your time on someone who can't be bothered to treat you to things you enjoy (even if they don't) and then punish you with silence (for what? I don't even know) on your birthday."
"What a tool. How has this marriage lasted this long? What a selfish a-hole." - NoBat7364
"There is a book called 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Modern Manners' OP can buy him." - karaage_for_life
"Idk (I don't know), I'd recommend a divorce lawyer. I'd rather be happy by myself than with someone who gives me the silent treatment as a punishment for taking him out to eat." - Armored_Butterfly
The subReddit completely understood the OP's mixed feelings after her birthday.
While it's understandable that a person may not want to "waste" money on eating out, the meal was gifted, and the meal was for a special someone's birthday. It seems like this situation could have been handled better all-around.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.