Investing in an idea is always a risk.
The potential gains and losses have to be carefully evaluated. If the risks exceed the potential rewards, it might be wise to pass on the project.
But what if the idea is from a loved one? Should money be given freely without a risk assessment?
A woman struggling with that question turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Rich-Painter-9008 asked:
"AITA for refusing to fund my boyfriends 'genius' idea?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (24, female) have been dating my boyfriend (29, male) for 3 years, and while he's always been a bit wacky, I usually find it kind of endearing."
"This time however, he's really outdone himself. A few weeks ago, he told me he had a 'groundbreaking' idea that would 'change humanity forever'."
"Entertaining him, I asked what it was. His answer? He wants to invent a new color."
"Before we go any further it's important to note we are both college graduates. I graduated in Biochemistry last year and my boyfriend in Philosophy a few years before, which makes this all the wilder I guess."
"I tried to gently point out that colors exist as part of the visible spectrum of light, so unless he was about to discover some new wavelength, this might not be possible. But he waved me off, calling me 'close-minded' and saying he was 'enlightened in a way you'll never be'."
"At first, I just nodded and let him ramble about his 'vision'. But then he told me he needed funding to start his 'research'."
"Specifically, he wanted me to give him $4,000 so he could buy 'supplies', including 'advanced art tools', a lab coat because apparently, scientists wear them, so it would make him 'feel smarter', and—wait for it—a trip to the desert because he thinks the 'pure sunlight' there will inspire him."
"I told him absolutely not. I'm saving for grad school, and even if I weren't, I'm not dropping thousands of dollars on his… whatever this is."
"He got mad, saying I didn't believe in him or his 'potential to revolutionize human perception'. He even accused me of being jealous that he had a 'world-changing idea' and I didn't."
"It got really heated and he ended up saying a lot of things about using my card as he knew the details anyway. For reference he's been unemployed for a while now, whilst I've got a regular job."
"I ended up saying some things I do regret, but a lot of it was retaliation."
"Now he's sulking and telling everyone I'm 'unsupportive' and 'afraid of innovation'. His friends are backing him up, saying I should be encouraging his creativity instead of 'crushing his dreams'."
"AITA for refusing to fund his quest to invent a new color?"
The OP later added:
"In terms of drugs we smoke weed occasionally, but haven't in the past few weeks, I've never seen him do any other drugs, nor have I found any in the house."
"So I don't know if I can really blame this on a bad trip."
The OP summed up their situation.
"The judged action is that I am refusing to give my boyfriend the funding and his friends are calling me an a**hole for not supporting his idea."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"With his superior enlightened brain he should easily be able to figure out how to make $4,000 himself.
NTA, but you would be if you allowed the delicate genius to demean himself by begging for money from a lesser intellect. He's obviously better than that.
My reply was obviously glib, but there is the possibility he's having some sort of mental breakdown which requires professional attention." ~ SnooBooks007
"I would suggest to OP to request a new credit card number so he no longer has the number memorized. NTA." ~ Front-Obligation-773
"She needs to open a new account at a different bank, transfer the vast majority of her money to it, hide all evidence of it, and keep the card somewhere else that's not her wallet."
"Make sure it isn't something that's connected to paypal or cashapp or another way he can send money to himself. She needs to change her online banking, cashapp, paypal, email passwords and fully cut this guy off."
"She needs to break up with him or tell him he goes to therapy with her or it's over."
"As a woman, I'll never understand the crap some of us let partners put us through. This dude would be my ex the second he insulted my intelligence and threatened to steal my money without permission."
"Y'all ladies gotta grow backbones and some standards, damn." ~ the-mortyest-morty
"NTA. Read the MAJOR red flags. They are strong with this one. Start with manipulation and that progresses to gaslighting, from there you have threats of theft. Mental breakdown or not, she needs to let him get the help he needs which could be from a professional or her leaving him. But either way, this is a toxic relationship. And yes, if he does have bi-polar or schizophrenia, it can still be a toxic relationship." ~ jjrobinson73
"The second the dude told me 'I got your numbers and info memorized' is the second I would change everything, freeze my credit cards and just dump the dude because like first off, why? Why do you?"
"And second off, the *ck kinda threat is that? You'll steal it if I won't give it to you? GTF outta here." ~ spid3rham90
"Why would you let yourself be treated like this? He is using you. Whether this is mental illness or just his nasty personality shining through (darkly), why would you live in fear of him using your credit card/ money?"
"He has basically threatened to steal from you. I would toss all his stuff out in garbage bags, change the locks, and get a restraining order on him. NTA." ~ ShyWombatFan
"NTA, but I'm concerned about him. This sounds less like wacky than like a possible symptom of mental or neurological illness."
"I am not a doctor or a psychologist, but if someone close to me said this, and seemed serious about it, I'd be seriously concerned about their health." ~ karptonite
"NTA. Don't fund this. Did he get this idea from mantis shrimp? He got this idea from shrimp." ~ NoSalamander7749
"NTA, but if this is new behaviour I would assume it's a mental health issue." ~ wotsname123
"NTA, and the new color is the red flags he's emitting." ~ CombinationAny870
"NTA. This is a crazy situation. A new color? Like, what? The fact that his friends are backing him up is even weirder. It sounds like he needs help, not funding. It's good you're thinking about his mental health, but don't feel obligated to fix him or give him money. He needs professional help, and u need to protect urself, especially financially. The card thing is a big deal, so be careful." ~ HoneyStreamm
"NTA. Does he mean a new color of pigment or dye stuffs? Because that could be a thing, but he would have to be a chemist to even know how to try. Does he smoke a lot of weed?" ~ Jenicillin
"NTA this is not a reasonable request."
"I am concerned for you that he said he'd use your card anyway as he knows the details. If he's in a manic phase—or other mental illness flare up—he might easily make rash, impulsive spends on your card."
"Get a new bank card and reduce the minimum allowable daily spend to the lowest reasonable level." ~ cynical_overlord1979
"NTA. But what does he bring to your relationship? He doesn't have a job, he's threatening to use your credit card without permission, he insults you, and seems to be having some kind of break with reality. I'd be giving this relationship a long, hard look, this kind of 'quirky' behavior doesn't usually improve." ~ Machine-Dove
The OP provided an update.
"Thank you, guys, for all the advice, I've moved the majority of my money into my second bank account for now which I'm pretty sure he doesn't have access to."
"In terms of his mental health, I'm not in the habit of sharing his personal history online, but seeing all your comments, I do agree that this might be a mental health issue, and I'm going to attempt to approach him with the idea of a consultation tomorrow."
"If anyone has any advice on that, please let me know, as I don't want it to come across as insulting. I know he was down after his job, but the comments have got me more worried about more serious illnesses that he may have."
"His friends seem to be very supportive in his ideas, but I'm very close with his sister so I'm considering reaching out to her as she might be able to get him to listen."
"For now I think that's all I can do, but I'm hoping that if this is something serious I'm able to get him the help he needs before deciding whether the relationship itself is beneficial."
No further updates have been provided.
Hopefully the OP found the answers she needed.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.