As vital of a skill as it is, not everyone is taught how to make smart financial management choices.
But when a couple has different opinions and understandings about money matters, it shows, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor FlatCelery1871 was supportive of his wife's dream of becoming a writer, even when it meant quitting her well-paying job.
But when she seemed to spend more time paying for luxurious hobbies instead of actually writing, the Original Poster (OP) refused to give her extra money for her hobbies.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for not giving my stay-at-home wife more money?"
The OP's wife recently went through a career change.
"My (29 Male) wife (26 Female) quit at the beginning of this year her relatively well-paying job in video game development to pursue a writing career."
"That's great, I think she's a great writer and wholeheartedly support her choice."
"She quit her job to focus on her dream of writing. She doesn't have to worry about the kids much, because our parents help us 24/7, and the home responsibilities are not a concern."
But the OP's wife had a very different idea about financial management than he did.
"Both my wife and I come from upper-class families. The only difference is that my parents grew up under communism, so I was taught the value of money, smart financial management, and maintaining a savings from a young age."
"My wife did not have such an upbringing. Her lifestyle and hobbies scream rich person, or trust fund baby, meaning that she spends a lot of money on personal luxuries."
"This is especially true for her gaming habits. She is literally one of those gaming whales that people complain about when discussing microtransactions."
"When she had her job, this wasn't much of an issue. Now she just spends money out of her trust fund."
The OP's wife wanted to maintain her luxurious lifestyle.
"Now it seems she is out of savings and has been asking me for more money."
"To clarify, she's asking me for money for personal expenses. I cover all of the household expenses, bills, and activities that we do together as a family. I'm not letting anyone starve or go without in any way; I just think her hobby expenses should come out of her trust fund."
"So I asked her, 'Is the money for book research?'"
"She said no. She wanted to go to brunch with her friends, but they go five times per week."
"So I told her no. I said she could make due with what she has."
"She seemed okay with it at first, but now she's passively joking that I'm a financially controlling a**hole."
"What's bothering me more is that she's doing it in front of our kids (5 Female and 3 Male)."
"AITA for not wanting to fund her hobbies and brunches?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some rated the OP NTA and said his wife was living well beyond her means.
"Brunch five times a week? Yeah, she can go get a f**king job."
"Get the f**k out of here with this supporting s**t. You got food in the fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a car to drive. Those are the necessities. He's doing his job providing."
"What she wants are luxuries. If she wants those, and parents are watching the kids, she can go back to work."
"You're not an a**. She is if she expects this while 'pursuing writing.' It sounds like she's just using that as an excuse not to work and waste your money."
"She can even make money gaming from home! She has options that don't involve a traditional job." - Big-Cheetah-7911
"NTA. She doesn't get to blow through the household money for her gaming habit. Looks like it's time for her to economize." - C_Majuscula
"I know people who have spent even one million or more dollars in gaming. There was a dude on the news who spent his 200K retirement on a mobile game."
"These are the type of people in gaming we call 'whales'… so believe me, it's easy to start dropping money on this if you have the money." - Fluffy-Scheme7704
"NTA. And making comments like that in front of their children actually makes her the AH."
"She quit her job to pursue her passion. As long as she has what she needs, extras are a luxury. If she wants the extras, she's more than welcome to get back to work." - amandarae1023
"NTA. So many 'Man Bad' commenters in here who can't stand the thought that any woman is ever wrong."
"If you reversed the genders here, you wouldn't have one person saying Y T A, and all the ones who are calling you one would scream, 'Get a divorce! Your husband is an abusive gaming addict!'" - Fine-Marsupial_3953
Others wondered if the couple should have another conversation about money management.
"Why haven't the two of you sat down together and gone through your finances and figured out how much fun money you can each have while paying your bills and maintaining your other (shared!) financial goals? This should have been done before her career change." - FormerRunnerAgain
"When your wife quit her job, what was the financial agreements you two made? Does she get a weekly or monthly allowance to spend as she sees fit? Does she only get to use money from her savings?"
"I ask because the response is going to be quite different if you two need to discuss how much personal money you give her each month (and maybe she is overspending) versus if you expected her to live off her savings only." - Throwra98787564
"Why don't you tell us how you're supporting her financially from your own resources? How much is that support relative to your own income and assets?"
"When there is only one income, there is no 'yours' and 'mine,' only 'ours.'"
"You, as the wage earner, have a duty to provide (and if she is successful as a writer, she will have a duty to reciprocate). She, as the homemaker and recipient of the money, has a duty to use that wisely (having regard to her needs and those of you and the family)."
"If one person fails in that duty deliberately or negligently, that person is an AH. However, there is no indication from your post as to which person that is." - ElementalSentimental
"This is something you two should have discussed in advance... before she quit her job."
"How do you handle money? Are you an 'investor' in her future, or are both just roommates?"
"There isn't any wrong answer here. But you both need to be on the same page or people will feel they are treated unfairly."
"If her book sells $50 million next year, do you expect any money? Are you both sacrificing for her career... or is she just doing her own thing? What happens in five years when you decide to change careers? What will her treatment of you be, financially?" - Prestigious-Bar-1741
"There's a really big difference between 'she quit and wants to try something else and he thinks she has potential' and 'he agreed to be the sole earner in the family.'"
"Nowhere in this text do I see that he agreed he'd shoulder living costs alone, and on top of that her hobbies. And nowhere do we see that she's doing the majority of childcare, he called her a writer and a stay-at-home wife, not a stay-at-home mom if you want to nitpick. Plus, their parents are '24/7' in the picture, so."
"NTA. If she went from making good money to being out of savings in a few months, then she's probably financially irresponsible. In any case, discussing money and belittling a father in front of his children is disgusting, this is a private matter." - Chatcandy2
"Yeah, no. I'm a stay-at-home mom whose 'only job' is homeschooling my ten-year-old and watching my two-year-old. My husband would not be required to hand me all the money I wanted for hobbies."
"You don't get to go into a relationship as equal partners receiving equal benefits, then renege on your agreement to work and STILL expect the same amount of money for hobbies that you used to get. There is QUITE literally less money now, so why does what they DO have automatically go to her hobbies first?? No ma'am."
"OP isn't giving her zero money for hobbies. If he were, that would be a problem, because her wants matter too. But he's not cutting her off completely; he's just not letting her spend as much as she wants, whenever she wants. And honestly, blowing through all of her savings for hobbies alone sounds like enough of a hobby budget." - Ashley9225
Some questioned if the OP's wife was doing what she needed to be a successful writer.
"People here really aren't paying attention. She has blown through all her savings in THREE months. How far away is she from getting published? Likely years, and the chances are extremely slim that she'll get any noticeable money out of it."
"It's all super irresponsible, especially for someone who's starting a family. OP is a doormat for having agreed to this from the beginning unless they both know that they'll be financially set in the foreseeable future due to their parents." - Sairony
"People should stop glamorizing becoming a writer. Being able to make a side income out of it? The chances are very slim. Being able to live off it? Extremely unlikely. Being able to live off it with an extravagant lifestyle? Better odds of winning the lottery than that." - spamz
"I don't think he's making enough to sustainably be able to invest in their and their children's future and fund her expensive hobbies (coming from a gamer she ain't gaming cheap if she needs money regularly)."
"They have two children and assuming she made close to half of the household (let's take 30-50%; I say he's making more because I don't think she'd been able to quit her job if she was making more than half of the money)."
"He's now bearing the brunt of the children's school fees, daycare/babysitting (if she's unable to care for the children while working) mortgage/rent/car savings food everything. The strain on his share of the expenses has increased by 60-100%."
"And considering they both come from upper-class families and her personal expenses 'scream rich person,' I can already tell they made some questionable financial decisions when they both had a high income."
"She must be an extremely talented writer for them to have taken this gamble on an unreliable industry."
"And if that is the case, as a part of a family she has to do her part and sacrifice/reduce/switch to pirating games like a normal person until she's able to achieve success and because he's already done his part in supporting her by straining his income to maintain the household." - Ashamed-Potential616
"She was just blowing through her savings. After quitting her job. When they have two children to support."
"So sorry, but my first thought is honestly that she needs to be spending her free time WRITING, which is what she quit her job to do, not playing games."
"And she should especially not be bad-mouthing their dad in front of them because he's not wanting to fund her gaming hobby on his now SOLO income, because she decided she NEEDED to be a writer so badly that she quit her job."
"Again, knowing they had two kids to support."
"It seems to me like she wanted to quit to be at home, frankly. Which, more power to her. But she should've been honest about that."
"Maybe she should think about making money from streaming games instead of writing." - Ashley9225
"I am a writer for a living. It takes literally years before you start seeing more than a few bucks a month, and that's only if you're pumping out a short story every week to two weeks, on top of putting out full-length novels at least twice a year."
"I'll typically do 30k words of work in the span of two and a half to three weeks. And that's only because I've spent the last five years building a solid routine of writing constantly."
"Combined with personal knowledge and experience in the industry, she's not taking the career seriously, and she likely thought she could pop out a magic, career-starting book in a few months. No writer writes a single book and just pops off getting publishing contracts, that's just not how it works."
"If OP is accurate in his depiction of his wife and their household situation, she absolutely did aim for success in the wrong way, and she's not showing any indication of becoming a successful writer at this rate." - CalliopeWordcraft
The subReddit couldn't help but cringe at the wife's exorbitant spending on gaming.
It was clear to them that she should either look into streaming as an income option or spend more time writing instead of gaming.
But no matter what, the wife was already spending her monthly trust fund stipend on her hobbies. Her husband had enough to worry about already covering all of the family and home expenses.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.