Is a relationship a person would throw away over a poorly thought-out joke with friends worth maintaining?
Whether the joke was entirely inappropriate and unacceptable by most people’s standards or the majority of people think the offended party is wildly overreacting, are the feelings of the two individuals in the relationship all that matter?
If there’s no trust there, is the relationship worth saving regardless of who is right or wrong?
A man struggling with his feelings—and his capitalization, grammar, punctuation, and run-on sentences—turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Presented here is his Reddit post without corrections, except two changes for clarity in his AITAH question where abbreviations (gf and bc) were replaced with words.
“I dont even know how i should feel, keep in mind im writing this 2 days after this happened and im still processing it, am i actually in the wrong??”
“I dont even think that i am whatsoever, but im still f*cking weirded out about it, AITAH??”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was entitled to his feelings, whether he discussed them in advance with his girlfriend or not.
“She kissed a girl and she liked it.”
“Her boyfriend did, in fact, mind it.”
“NTA.” ~ MandaMaelstrom
“You alone get to decide what acts you consider a dealbreaker.” ~ Traditional-Tank3994
“You are the person who has to live with their behavior. If you don’t like something or aren’t attracted to something, you are free to leave at any time.” ~ Unusual-Football-868
“This is messed up. As a bisexual woman with a wife, if I kissed a man in front of her for fun, I would not be surprised if she were upset. The same goes for if our genders were reversed. I hate that people expect it to be fine for two women to kiss, because ‘oooh hehe they’re just girls and it’s hot’.” ~ Infinite-Car-5410
The OP later provided two updates, with the first saying:
“Hello yall, i’ve read alot of the opinions on this and i decided to text her again to explain the reason that i left based on some of your suggestions, as of writing this am only left on seen, but no matter if they answer or not i dont believe i want to go back together, something that i believe should be common sense for some people, is that yes during this three years we have both talked about everything that has to do with boundaries, stuff that we like in those terms, things that we would both NOT be okay with doing, even if we were together for 3 years i dont believe doing such a thing as a ‘joke’ is a good excuse to stay with somebody who broke your trust and played it as some ‘dare’, and i think its even a worse look if you decide to break your partner’s trust just like that.”
“I appreciate the opinions and the suggestions alot, if something else that i require advice happens im going to update this same post, but for now im grateful.”
The second update added:
“Hello, this is the last edit im gonna do on this post since i feel like ive sorted out everything and i wanted to clear some things for those curious.”
“Today she responded to the paragraph I sent with nothing but a laughing face, no apology, no text, nothing, so I don’t believe there’s anything else to do on that one, I don’t care anymore and have no interest in anything that has to do with her anymore.”
“2- The person who asked her the question of how much would it cost was a guy and not the other girl, i am not sure what the other girl thought about it but i dont really care either since she like the others only laughed about it, and neither do i care about the guy either, i dont have any interest in knowing about any of them at all.”
“3- The only person I’ve stayed friends with from that group was someone who wasnt in the hangout spot when everything happened, he had reached out to me through discord and asked me to explain everything, i did and he understood me, im not sure if hes friends with the others anymore as all hes told me is that he doesnt feel comfortable talking with them after i explained everything, so far with him everything’s cool.”
“4- This isnt much of a clearance but an opinion from myself, ive read alot of the comments and ive learned alot of stuff, some thing’s ive agreed with and some not at all, but something that i dont understand and i apologize if it offends anybody is a genuine lack of reading comprehension from some people, almost all of the comments that told me i was the AH always told me that: ‘i shouldve run with it and have a threesome’, ‘you’re a p*ssy i find it really hot when my wife kisses another girl’, ‘grow tf up is just girls kissing’, and ‘she’s better of without someone controlling’.”
“Most of them are always only saying that, in my past edit i specifically said how this type of stuff is boundaries that we had both established over the course of the time, is was something that both of us agreed that we wouldnt do as we both found it disrespectful to do that in a relationship, if you find it hot and you’ve established with your partner that you dont mind when they do stuff like that with someone else, then thats you, i strongly believe that the people who commented that stuff just jumped by reading the title and nothing else, and the fact some of you would genuely try to enforce your mindset onto someone that is clearly agaisnt it, is honestly very sad in my opinion.”
“I wont update this post anymore as i believe ive understood everything, i really appreciate everyone who helped me understand things and gave me their POV, while also giving me tips on things i should do, i do believe i will start focusing on myself more with stuff like the gym and try to be more social so i can find good friends, i hope nothing but the best to those who helped me.”
To which Redditors responded:
“In point #4 in your final update, you accuse people of reading only your question or having no reading comprehension, then admit in your ORIGINAL POST you never explained why the kiss bothered you.”
“You only added that information later after editing your post the first time.”
“So maybe it’s the fault of your incomplete information instead of other people’s inability to read your mind.”
“Either way, whether you really had discussed this with her beforehand or you only added that detail in an edit to make yourself look better after being criticized for not telling her why you were mad, she either didn’t know about your boundaries, didn’t think a joke in front of you and your ex-friends counted as kissing someone else (would a part she had in a play count?), or she didn’t care about your rules, you’re both better off not being together.”
“You’re clearly not compatible.” ~ MohawMais
This couple isn’t compatible if one party—and almost every one of their friends—felt the kiss was innocuous and OP found it an unforgivable offense.
While OP felt his boundaries were crossed, his former partner either didn’t think jokes counted or didn’t know or didn’t care about his boundaries.
Either way, these incompatible people seem far better off being apart.