Is a relationship a person would throw away over a poorly thought-out joke with friends worth maintaining?
Whether the joke was entirely inappropriate and unacceptable by most people's standards or the majority of people think the offended party is wildly overreacting, are the feelings of the two individuals in the relationship all that matter?
If there's no trust there, is the relationship worth saving regardless of who is right or wrong?
A man struggling with his feelings—and his capitalization, grammar, punctuation, and run-on sentences—turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Presented here is his Reddit post without corrections, except two changes for clarity in his AITAH question where abbreviations (gf and bc) were replaced with words.
"I dont even know how i should feel, keep in mind im writing this 2 days after this happened and im still processing it, am i actually in the wrong??"
"I dont even think that i am whatsoever, but im still f*cking weirded out about it, AITAH??"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was entitled to his feelings, whether he discussed them in advance with his girlfriend or not.
"She kissed a girl and she liked it."
"Her boyfriend did, in fact, mind it."
"NTA." ~ MandaMaelstrom
"You alone get to decide what acts you consider a dealbreaker." ~ Traditional-Tank3994
"You are the person who has to live with their behavior. If you don't like something or aren't attracted to something, you are free to leave at any time." ~ Unusual-Football-868
"This is messed up. As a bisexual woman with a wife, if I kissed a man in front of her for fun, I would not be surprised if she were upset. The same goes for if our genders were reversed. I hate that people expect it to be fine for two women to kiss, because 'oooh hehe they're just girls and it's hot'." ~ Infinite-Car-5410
The OP later provided two updates, with the first saying:
"Hello yall, i've read alot of the opinions on this and i decided to text her again to explain the reason that i left based on some of your suggestions, as of writing this am only left on seen, but no matter if they answer or not i dont believe i want to go back together, something that i believe should be common sense for some people, is that yes during this three years we have both talked about everything that has to do with boundaries, stuff that we like in those terms, things that we would both NOT be okay with doing, even if we were together for 3 years i dont believe doing such a thing as a 'joke' is a good excuse to stay with somebody who broke your trust and played it as some 'dare', and i think its even a worse look if you decide to break your partner's trust just like that."
"I appreciate the opinions and the suggestions alot, if something else that i require advice happens im going to update this same post, but for now im grateful."
The second update added:
"Hello, this is the last edit im gonna do on this post since i feel like ive sorted out everything and i wanted to clear some things for those curious."
"Today she responded to the paragraph I sent with nothing but a laughing face, no apology, no text, nothing, so I don't believe there's anything else to do on that one, I don't care anymore and have no interest in anything that has to do with her anymore."
"2- The person who asked her the question of how much would it cost was a guy and not the other girl, i am not sure what the other girl thought about it but i dont really care either since she like the others only laughed about it, and neither do i care about the guy either, i dont have any interest in knowing about any of them at all."
"3- The only person I've stayed friends with from that group was someone who wasnt in the hangout spot when everything happened, he had reached out to me through discord and asked me to explain everything, i did and he understood me, im not sure if hes friends with the others anymore as all hes told me is that he doesnt feel comfortable talking with them after i explained everything, so far with him everything's cool."
"4- This isnt much of a clearance but an opinion from myself, ive read alot of the comments and ive learned alot of stuff, some thing's ive agreed with and some not at all, but something that i dont understand and i apologize if it offends anybody is a genuine lack of reading comprehension from some people, almost all of the comments that told me i was the AH always told me that: 'i shouldve run with it and have a threesome', 'you're a p*ssy i find it really hot when my wife kisses another girl', 'grow tf up is just girls kissing', and 'she's better of without someone controlling'."
"Most of them are always only saying that, in my past edit i specifically said how this type of stuff is boundaries that we had both established over the course of the time, is was something that both of us agreed that we wouldnt do as we both found it disrespectful to do that in a relationship, if you find it hot and you've established with your partner that you dont mind when they do stuff like that with someone else, then thats you, i strongly believe that the people who commented that stuff just jumped by reading the title and nothing else, and the fact some of you would genuely try to enforce your mindset onto someone that is clearly agaisnt it, is honestly very sad in my opinion."
"I wont update this post anymore as i believe ive understood everything, i really appreciate everyone who helped me understand things and gave me their POV, while also giving me tips on things i should do, i do believe i will start focusing on myself more with stuff like the gym and try to be more social so i can find good friends, i hope nothing but the best to those who helped me."
To which Redditors responded:
"In point #4 in your final update, you accuse people of reading only your question or having no reading comprehension, then admit in your ORIGINAL POST you never explained why the kiss bothered you."
"You only added that information later after editing your post the first time."
"So maybe it's the fault of your incomplete information instead of other people's inability to read your mind."
"Either way, whether you really had discussed this with her beforehand or you only added that detail in an edit to make yourself look better after being criticized for not telling her why you were mad, she either didn't know about your boundaries, didn't think a joke in front of you and your ex-friends counted as kissing someone else (would a part she had in a play count?), or she didn't care about your rules, you're both better off not being together."
"You're clearly not compatible." ~ MohawMais
This couple isn't compatible if one party—and almost every one of their friends—felt the kiss was innocuous and OP found it an unforgivable offense.
While OP felt his boundaries were crossed, his former partner either didn't think jokes counted or didn't know or didn't care about his boundaries.
Either way, these incompatible people seem far better off being apart.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.