Woman Called Out For Leaving Partner With OCD At Home After He Made Her Late For Work Dinner

We all have our struggles and things that we could improve about ourselves.

But if we aren't willing to work on ourselves at all, questioned the people in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit, how long should other people give us the benefit of the doubt?

Redditor Fit_Confection_772 tried to be empathetic about her partner's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, especially given what probably caused them in the first place.

But when he refused to seek help with his symptoms and repeatedly made them late for important events, the Original Poster (OP) couldn't let his lack of punctuality continue to impact her work performance and left without him for the next event.

She asked the sub:

"AITAH for leaving my partner at home because his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) made me late to a dinner party at a restaurant?"

The OP's partner's OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) symptoms were quickly worsening. 

"My partner has OCD that has been progressively worsening over the past year."

"Before we leave the house, he has a routine of doing physical and mental checks, and these checks have been taking longer and longer."

"It's become such a problem that we're running late to almost everything."

"I've gently encouraged him to seek professional help, but he refuses and insists he can manage it on his own."

"I also can't speak during his checks, even to let him know that we're running late, or he will have to start his checks all over again."

The OP was concerned about her partner's mental health and likely trauma. 

"He most definitely has trauma. We've been together for about two and a half years, and his OCD was barely noticeable in the beginning."

"It wasn't until someone broke into his grandmother's house while she was asleep. She only found out when her neighbors witnessed it and called the police. (He was VERY close with his grandmother before she passed.)"

"I suspect there's a connection between that incident and his OCD symptoms, but I'm not a doctor."

"Within the last month, he added another step to his routine. Once we get into the car, he goes back to the porch door to test it, even though he already checked it inside. The thing I'm struggling to understand is why he needs to get into the car first and then get out to check the door."

"We also have a security camera in the living room that I usually check during my lunch break to check on the dog."

"One day, he was off from work and going to his aunt's house to help with her cabinets, but he was late. On the camera, I saw him turning the kitchen light on, checking the stove burners, turning the light off, and then checking the burners again."

"He repeated this so many times, I lost count. I was genuinely frightened, and he still has no idea I saw this."

But as understanding as the OP wanted to be, her partner's symptoms were troublesome.

"Two weeks ago, we were invited to a dinner party at a restaurant hosted by my boss. I was recently promoted, and this was an important opportunity to celebrate and make a good impression."

"Knowing how long his checks take, I asked him to start getting ready two hours before we needed to leave."

"Even with the extra time, his checks still took 30 minutes, and we were running late."

"I was panicking about showing up late to such an important event, so I told him I couldn't wait any longer and left without him."

The OP's partner was furious with her for leaving him at home.

"I ended up being five minutes late and told my coworkers that traffic was bad. No one seemed to care, but my partner is still mad at me two weeks later."

"He says I was insensitive and should have waited for him, but I feel like I couldn't risk being even later for something so significant to my career."

"I don't want to be unsupportive, but his OCD has been affecting both of us, and he refuses to get help."

"Am I the a**hole for leaving him at home?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some empathized with the OP and encouraged her to maintain her boundaries. 

"Your partner really does need help. This is now affecting your quality of life. To be honest, I would have left as well."

"Your partner can't have it both ways… either seek professional help or understand that you will sometimes need to set reasonable boundaries." - MadameAllura

"NTA. 'I will leave at this time,' would be the boundary that OP can set. She can't force her partner to leave on time, but can make it clear that she will do so, with or without him." - SophisticatedScreams

"OP was not unsupportive just because she didn't wait for him. OP was trying to balance her needs with his and that's okay. NTA." - Iam_Tender_Angel

"I have OCD. I'm sure it sucks for my partner. I would never expect them to be late to their own event, let along a professional work event, because of it."

"Allowing him to go through 30+ minutes of unreasonable behavior that makes you late to things without challenge isn't being 'supportive.' Being supportive is encouraging him to get help because his life and now yours is being negatively impacted by something he refuses to be treated for."

"Newsflash, he's not managing it if it's getting worse." - HorrorShip7094

"Meanwhile back in sad reality, had OP waited any longer she would have been enabling her husband's OCD which is a big no-no for family members and loved ones of people suffering this torturous condition."

"OP, you did the right thing by all accounts. You cannot allow yourself to be harmed by your partner's OCD, and you must do what you can to kindly set boundaries that refuse to enable ritualistic processes, including refraining from offering excessive reassurance."

"Your darling needs professional help, and you will need help learning how to navigate this condition. You can't force the former so I wholeheartedly implore you to seek help setting and enforcing your own healthy boundaries."

"OCD is so horribly cruel to those who suffer- including those who love the people whose faculties are mangled by OCD. May your precious family find peace through difficulty. The only way out is through." - spottedredfish

Others hoped that the OP's husband agreed to get help. 

"OCD is the worst."

"My sister has OCD and her therapist told us that we're not allowed to reassure her when she's having intrusive thoughts. Instead, we need to point out that it is an intrusive thought and redirect her to use the techniques that she's worked on in therapy."

"It's soul-crushing for everyone involved."

"OP, I hope your husband gets the help he needs." - LadySmuag

"There's a huge difference between supporting and enabling. If someone is addicted to drugs, and you just keep letting them do drugs that's enabling. If they are actively seeking treatment for their addiction issues, that's where support comes in."

"I say this as someone who has lived with OCD as far back as I can remember and who has been in treatment since I was 11."

"When things are bad, I sure wish my family and friends would just reassure everyone of my intrusive thoughts and let me spend three hours doing my 'checks'. But that's not support. That's just feeding and reinforcing the OCD."

"It would be akin to just buying an addict one more hit instead of offering support while they go through withdrawals. Enabling is feeding the problem, support is addressing the problem and steps taken by the person afflicted to treat it." - Cautious_Ad1616

"It is the awareness, and refusal to seek help that has me hung up. We aren't responsible for taking care of the mental health needs of others. You can be supportive, with limits.... anything more is enabling."

"You asked him to start earlier as a way to support his needs... ultimately you have needs as well.. there must be balance. Seeking treatment is for HIS mental health/quality of life... setting boundaries is for YOURS." - Careful-Treacle2528

"Leaving in separate cars is probably a good arrangement, especially if/while he goes through treatment."

"If he decides to seek treatment,  things will more than likely get MUCH worse before they get better... That's something to consider. Everyone in this thread makes it sound like OCD treatment is such an easy thing. It's not uncommon to fail treatment."

"They need other ideas to consider because simply saying he needs treatment is useless advice."

"OCD is far more complex than anyone that doesn't experience it can even try to imagine."

"If the two car thing isn't doable, some sort of boundary or agreement is essential so neither of you start building resentment." - pineapplepainz

"In every mental health form I've filled out, the way you measure if you have a problem is by how significantly it impacts your daily life. No longer being able to be on time for any event and needing 30 minutes of quiet when you're living with someone else is a pretty significant downturn."

"I hope this guy gets the help he needs and sees how wrong he is, but I doubt it will happen so quickly. Now that he's on the defensive, he's going to take even longer to acknowledge it." - ConstructionNo9678

After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.

"I had a conversation with my mother-in-law about this yesterday. She said he has been doing checks at her house on his lunch break for a few months now, even when she is home."

"He and I had reservations with our friends at this Christmas museum on Sunday, and we were 30 minutes late due to his checks."

"He and I had a deep conversation about these issues and agreed to seek help. He made an appointment to see a therapist this morning!"

"Thank you, everyone, for your advice! I didn't think this thread would be so helpful."

The subReddit wanted to be respectful and understanding about the OP's partner's diagnosis and symptoms, but they also thought there was a firm line between understanding and enabling.

While the partner might still experience symptoms that would occasionally make him late for important events, his unwillingness to get help was the real problem.