Content Warning: Gender Norms, Gender Shaming, Sexuality Shaming, Domestic Violence, Mentions of Sexual Assault and Sexual Abuse
We’ve all known someone who was deeply critical of who we are, whether it was how we dressed the music we enjoyed listening to, or even our favorite color crayon in elementary school.
But dating someone who is deeply critical of us hits differently, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, especially if their criticism turns physical.
Redditor Numberous-Barber-5623 was in her first same-sex relationship, and she was alarmed by how critical her girlfriend had become of her appearance since they’d started dating.
But when her girlfriend became physically violent over a dress she was going to wear to a party, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what to think anymore.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for dressing too ‘straight’ and making my girlfriend uncomfortable?”
The OP was dating a woman for the first time.
“I (21 Female) have been dating my girlfriend (24 Female) for four months. We’ve known each other for about a year.”
“She’s the only girl I’ve ever dated or been with in that manner, and I think that this has caused a lot of issues for her.”
“Since the beginning, she has always commented that my clothes, the way I look, and my hair make me look like a ‘straight girl.’ She’s never said this in a rude way, just more of an observing way with some undertones to it.”
“I’ve always told her that if my style or way I look bothers her, I’m more than likely not going to change it.”
“She keeps pushing, I think because she doesn’t want me to look straight, because she doesn’t want guys to hit on me.”
The OP’s girlfriend became increasingly confrontational about her looks and interests.
“She says it all the time. Every time I wear something ‘feminine,’ which is almost every day.”
“Every time she is close enough to touch my hair, she tells me, ‘Long blonde hair is so straight.'”
“She has problems with my long hair and my ‘girly’ clothes and my makeup, but also with the music I listen to (she’ll say, ‘Oh my god, Taylor Swift is straight people music’), and the things I enjoy (‘God, you actually like that show?’) because it was all typically ‘girly’ or ‘feminine.'”
“One time I liked a video of two feminine girls who were married on TikTok (the video was of them showing their outfits), and my girlfriend got mad at me and accused me of wanting her to look like them.”
“For context, she leans way more ‘masculine.’ She has short hair, lots of tattoos and piercings, and binds her chest sometimes.”
“I would call myself bi, but I can’t even do that because she hates when I do that.”
“One time, and I’m going to keep this as PG-13 as possible… During sex, she asked me if I wanted ‘penetration,’ and I said yes, but apparently I said it ‘too enthusiastically,’ because she accused me of ‘missing d**k’ and ‘faking’ because I’ve dated men in the past.”
But then the OP’s girlfriend took it way too far.
“Finally last night, we had a birthday dinner for a friend. I was wearing a black dress, really nothing special about it.”
“But when my girlfriend saw it, she demanded I change.”
“I asked why. She gave me the usual answer.”
“I told her to leave me alone about it and tried to walk past her to the car. Instead of letting me go, she yanked me back inside by my arms and held my face, demanding that I change clothes.”
“I told her no, and she told me no one would think we were together.”
“Mind you, this was literally a party with all of our friends, and they already knew we were dating. I told her that as long as she held my hand, I think they’d know.”
“She eventually gave up, but we spent the whole dinner pretty mad at each other.”
“When we got home, she made me ‘prove’ that I liked girls, which just ended up with me in tears. It’s not because I don’t like girls, but because I don’t like being forced to ‘prove it.’ It was really overwhelming.”
The OP wasn’t sure what to do next.
“She’s still so mad at me, but I just can’t fathom that I’m the a**hole here? What did I do other than wear what I’m comfortable in?”
“I don’t know. I said I’m sorry, but she won’t take it.”
“I’m honestly so confused why she liked me at first and not anymore.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were suspicious the girlfriend was abusive and on some sort of ‘power trip.’
“She thought she could strong-arm you into her vision. I would not be surprised even a little bit if she deliberately chose you because you’ve never been in a F/F (female-to-female) relationship before and thought that would make you easier to manipulate.”
“Femme bi/pan/lesbian women are 100% a valid expression of queer identity and anyone who says otherwise has some queerphobia and misogyny to deal with.”
“Sincerely, a high femme bi woman.” – forgedimagination
“If she doesn’t like you how you are, she can leave. You’ve only been dating for four months!”
“And incidentally, who made her LGBTQ gatekeeper?” – Bulky_Specialist9645
“NTA. She saw the way you dressed and decided to go out with you (I don’t know who initiated, but either she asked or she said yes).”
“She saw the way you dress and kept going out with you.”
“She wanted someone who dressed the way you dress but immediately criticized it. So she wanted something to criticize, to use to talk down to you and belittle you.”
“She could have picked someone who dressed ‘gay,’ but then she would have had nothing to complain about, nothing to ‘fix.'”
“I suspect that a few months after you break up, she will be with another girly lesbian, and over a six-month period, you will watch that girly lesbian shave her head, change her makeup, and get a bunch of piercings and tattoos. Then once your ex makes that girl ‘butch enough,’ she will dump her and find another girly lesbian to ‘fix.'”
“When you see that, be glad it wasn’t you, and maybe help that woman pick up the pieces?” – Responsible-End7361
“Real talk, I am a lesbian, and I have seen this a weird amount of times in the lesbian community.”
“There’s one notorious woman in the local gay scene (who is actually femme) who goes after thinner femmes and, over time, all her girlfriends eventually turn into very overweight butches who always swear they’re happy and then quietly go back to the way they were before dating her and later admit she was abusive and forced them to change for her.”
“I think it’s like a power thing like she wants to turn these women into the opposite of what she originally found attractive about them to make sure nobody would ever see what she originally saw in them and make it harder for them to leave her.”
“The abusive woman did it enough times she wore out her welcome in the gay community where we live and had to move states, but I don’t think she’s alone in what she does at all.”
“I think the OP’s soon-to-be-ex is operating from the same mold. NTA, OP.” – ScyllaOfTheDepths
“I’m bi (sex dreams of girls but no experience) and was in a relationship with a man who liked that I ‘dolled up’ but then started criticizing my makeup and outfits very similarly to what you and op have described. I ended up a shell of myself and left.”
“There’s a quote in the book, ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Barcroft. It goes something like, ‘The abuser constantly berates the target for their ‘issues’ when in reality 99% of the target’s issues are caused by the abuser.'”
“It’s insidious and what helped me get out was reflecting on how I would have to think and feel about someone to treat me the way he did. Very upsetting and eye-opening exercise.” – mydogispolly
Others were certain the girlfriend was abusive and urged the OP to end the relationship.
“You’re in an abusive relationship. She belittles the way YOU CHOOSE to dress. She physically restrains you. She is ultra-possessive and jealous. It’s not YOUR past that’s causing her to behave this way, it’s her insecurities.”
“All of this will only get worse. Get out now so it can be a simple learning experience, not a traumatic one.” – No_Builder7010
“The OP said, ‘I’m honestly so confused why she liked me at first and not anymore.'”
“With abusers it’s not about if they like it or not, it’s about controlling you and chipping away at your self-esteem.”
“She grabbed you by the arm and forcefully held your face… and then she made you ‘prove you like girls’… that is not okay (and by not okay, I mean that is straight-up abuse).”
“Like others have said, you need to run, fast.” – cireetje
“OP, if they didn’t like how you presented, they shouldn’t have started dating you. They’re projecting their own insecurities into how you look. Get out of this relationship.” – OhDavidMyNacho
“Being forced to ‘prove it’ sounds like sexual abuse, especially if it ended with OP in tears and the girlfriend somehow mad at her. I don’t want to talk about OP’s experience and the wording is vague, but imagine a man forcing her to ‘prove’ she was straight, in anger.”
“Absolutely NTA, OP. Your girlfriend’s insecurities around your sexual history have turned dangerous. It started as trying to control what you wear, then it’s policing your reactions to little things, and now it’s physical.”
“You haven’t done anything wrong, it sounds to me like it’s time to get out.” – ijusttacos
“OP, not to be repetitive from other comments, but you need to hear this: your girlfriend is being abusive. This is abuse. She grabbed you by your arms and held your face? That’s one step closer to her hitting you, beating you when she gets angry again.”
“This is not a person you can change, and not a person you need to change. No one should treat you like this. There is no salvaging an abusive partner.”
“You need to get out of this relationship before something horrible happens to you. You are not safe.” – ExpandThineHorizons
“If this scenario described a guy behaving this way to a girl, there would be no doubt in either the OP’s mind or readers’ minds that this is an abusive relationship, both emotionally, mentally, and now physically. But because the abuser is the same sex, OP doesn’t seem to recognize it.”
“Equally, if someone described someone else as dressing too gay, they would be seen as homophobic. Therefore, by default, being described as dressing too straight is just as judgementally wrong. How someone dresses is simply their own style and shouldn’t be a judgment on their sexuality.”
“It sounds like OP’s girlfriend is insecure in her relationship and for whatever reason feels that her sexuality is something to turn into a crusade to be shouted and paraded about using style, etc., to shout and parade it. Sexuality is a personal choice and doesn’t need a parade or placard to announce it.”
“OP, just be who you are, be proud of who you are, and be comfortable in your own style. Don’t be bullied into following someone else’s style or being a puppet for someone else’s crusade.”
“NTA. Get a new girlfriend, one who loves and respects you for who you are.” – CapableJelly493
The subReddit was deeply concerned for the OP, not just because her girlfriend was challenging her appearance and how she “presented” as a bisexual woman, but because it seemed that her girlfriend was becoming abusive.
A person should always be with someone who supports who they are, including what interests them and how they dress. If they can’t even support what shirt they put on their back, they surely can’t be supportive of the more vital, long-lasting aspects of a relationship.