Content Warning: Emotional Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Coercion
As much as we all might like to believe in happily ever afters and the ability for every relationship to work out, sometimes people are better off breaking up.
This is especially true when one person is made to feel uncomfortable in the relationship just to make the other person happy, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowRA-247 was engaged and discussing the business and money aspects of a prenuptial agreement with her future husband, but because of his history of a failed marriage and a "dead bedroom," he also demanded that they include sexual frequency in their agreement.
Feeling increasingly uncomfortable, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if this was the relationship for her.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for digging in my heels about sex in a prenup?"
The OP was uncomfortable with the prenuptial agreement her boyfriend wanted.
"I honestly can't believe I'm asking this, but my boyfriend has gotten so mad that I'm feeling a little crazy now."
"Both 34, he had a terrible marriage before me that ended in a dead bedroom, and he's determined to never go back to that life again. Understood, I think that sucked for him to experience."
"So now he wants a prenup and literally write in the prenup that we will have sex X amount of times a week, or else I get absolutely nothing in the divorce."
The pair could not come to an agreement.
"I had already agreed to a 50/50 prenup of marital assets, and we keep what we came into the marriage with."
"Now that's not enough for him. He wants me to 'prove' that I won't stop having sex with him in the future."
"I tell him I can't prove the future, and putting something in writing doesn't prove that."
"Now he says I must have a guilty conscience if I won't sign these terms because if I'm so certain it won't happen, then what's the problem?"
"But to me, it makes me feel like a sex slave and not a loved wife or partner."
"AITA?"
On her burner account, the OP previously posted in the "AskMenRelationships" subReddit one other incident with her future husband, which also regarded sex and submissiveness in their relationship.
The OP explained that her partner became angry "if [she] ever said anything that wasn't 100 percent praising him," and they later broke up.
The OP wrote:
"My (34 Female) boyfriend (34 Male) has a history with a previous marriage where he was sexually neglected to the point it's a genuine trauma now. Since then, he's pursued submissive women and almost exclusively open relationships or FWB (Friends with Benefits) so he feels in control of getting sex. If one woman wasn't in the mood or available, he had others he could reach out to."
"When we met, I made it clear I only date in monogamous relationships. He pursued me and ended things with everyone else because he found an emotional connection with me he didn't have with his FWBs."
The OP was concerned about their compatibility.
"I have asked him if he can be happy with me when I'm not a submissive woman. I have a career where the women he dated and his previous wife didn't work, he provided everything. I make significantly more money than him, which he has mentioned several times bothers him."
"Yet when I ask if he can truly be happy with me, he tells me it's nice not to have the weight of having to provide solely on his shoulders, it's nice to have a woman that's so intelligent, someone with drive and ambition, and that he absolutely fell in love with how I put myself through graduate school and have accomplished everything on my own."
"Yet, we have arguments all the time if I ever say anything that isn't 100% praising him."
The little instances were adding up quickly.
"On Monday, I told him I wanted salad for dinner, he made soup full of carbs, and it was delicious, and I praised him for how delicious it was and left it at that."
"On Tuesday, he made burritos; I ate one and told him it was really good (it was), but that I'm dieting and it's not on my diet."
"It's been days, and he won't look at me because he says I told him that he was wrong in cooking for me (I never did, and have told him at least two dozen times, no exaggeration, since then that I don't think he's wrong) and rejected his act of service for me, and am guilting him because I reminded him that I've been telling him for four months that I'm dieting."
The OP began to question their relationship.
"I'm starting to lose hope here. He's now upset because we aren't having sex (it's been four days), but we aren't having sex because he won't even look at me."
"He says he wants me to initiate it when he's mad to get him out of the funk, but the last time he was mad at me, I got on top of him... he refused because he was mad at me."
"So this relationship is lose-lose situation, I guess."
It resulted in the end of their relationship for the time being.
"Update: we broke up. He kept asking for sexual things that he knew I was semi-uncomfortable with, but I agreed to try."
"Then he insisted he should be able to have sex with me even at 2:00 AM if he wakes up horny, even if I'm asleep. When I said no, he said it won't work out because he won't be made to feel guilty because he got horny in the middle of the night."
"I told him that wanting my basic needs met, like sleeping, is not guilting him, and I'm done as well."
Since that post, they must have gotten back together, resulting in this latest prenuptial disagreement.
Fellow Redditors frequently referred to both of these incidents in their comments.
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some came up with countless reasons why their sex life would change over time.
"Ask him what happens if one of you falls sick? If he pulls his back, does he really want you jumping on him screaming, 'I can't afford to fail the prenup'...?" - JosKarith
"I'm pregnant right now, and my husband won't touch me because of how much pelvic pain I have. I try, but neither of us is very enthusiastic. You never know what life is going to hand you." - Majestic_Lady910
"Just start adding stupid s**t to it, since the relationship is already over. He values sex more than he does consent and your mental health."
"If you go through menopause or get depressed or ill, he isn't going to give a f**k." - Abstractteapot
"This is crazy. I would also ask what happens if he gets prostate cancer and can no longer perform after surgery? Does that mean he gets nothing?"
"The guy needs counseling." - Lives4Sunshine
"Have you asked him what led to a dead bedroom? I wouldn't be surprised if it's his fault."
"I used to visit the sub related to this, and a lot of times, men were like, 'I come home from work, and my wife who was working as well also cleaned the house, took care of the kids, bathed the dog, made dinner, took care of our bills, mowed the yard, did our taxes, all while I watched TV. She didn't want to have sex with me AGAIN last night! She's AWFUL!'" - lifeisalime11
Others were appalled that the OP agreed to marry him after the previous post.
"Is this the boyfriend you broke up with a few months ago? Because you had excellent reasons to break up with him back then and you have excellent reasons to break up again. But this time, stay broken up." - whitecatbluebasket
"OP!!!!!! In your other post, you guys broke up 49 days ago over his stance on sex and giving you silent treatments, and now you're here with him as your fiancé and the same issue but greater? Break up with him and make it stick this time."
"You say in your other post that you aren't a submissive woman, which may be true. But he is turning you into one and his punching bag. Considering how he viewed and handled women before you because of his 'trauma' from not getting enough, he will cheat on you."
"Have some self-respect and perseverance and cut this crazy guy out of your life." - IDontEvenCareBear
"I think one of OP's comments say that her fiancé wants a psychiatrist present at the time of signing to say that she's not being coerced into signing. Except that this is 100% coercion. Show me a psychiatrist that will participate in this, and I will show you someone who should have their medical license revoked."
"This whole situation is gross." - BlossomCheryl
"Oh honey, I've been there. It sounds like (from both of your posts) that this relationship is the one that teaches you what emotional abuse is. I find it the most sinister of the abuses, honestly, as it is harder to detect and attacks your self-confidence. And this could easily escalate to physical and sexual abuse if you're having a week where you can't give him what you 'agreed' to."
"You need to leave. You deserve so much more than him by far. A lot of what he is doing based on your posts is emotional abuse." - sigh_le_mah
"Jes*s F**king Chr**t... he's doing a rendition of the dance of the seven veils in all red, and you still can't see the warning signs (red flags)."
"He is toxic. He is dangerous. He is manipulative. Traumatized people don't get a pass to mistreat others. And while the trauma may not be his fault, it is 100% his responsibility to address it THROUGH THERAPY."
"Maybe his misogynist @ss can go explain to some war vets how they're gullible for using therapy to treat their PTSD and reclaim elements of their lives? I doubt he would, of course, because he's the type who is so insecure that he insists on abusing (emotionally, at least, though I suspect more ways too) people who do their best to care for him in order to maintain a sense of control over them."
"Denial of sex isn't actually trauma, btw, but I agree it can hurt someone's sense of worth. Claiming to be traumatized as a way to excuse and continue indulging in s**tty behavior, however, is a common tactic of manipulators. They find people who care, abuse them, and then convince them they're somehow in the wrong to disagree with the abuse."
"Girl. Get. Out." - whorunsgraphs
The subReddit was endlessly appalled over this situation and concerned for the OP's well-being in every sense of the word.
She clearly needed to get out and find someone who valued her as a whole partner, not just as someone for a specific form of entertainment a predetermined number of times per week.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.