A man found out that the woman with whom he was having sex was not exactly forthcoming about her presumptive single status.
Victims of infidelity can experience a range of emotions, including anger, humiliation and despondency.
But as the "other man," Redditor cassiusxwithanxiety found himself struggling with his own turmoil.
To help him navigate through his moral dilemma, he sought Reddit's Relationship Advice column and wrote:
"Woman (26 F[emale]) was cheating on her boyfriend with me (27 M[ale]). I didn't know about her [long-term relationship] (LTR) until now."
"Should I tell the woman's boyfriend?"
To be clear, the Original Poster (OP) previously asked this woman point-blank about her dating situation.
"Before meeting and having sexual encounters with her, I did ask if she was in any type of relationship, this not because I was looking for something serious, I just wanted to know what I was getting into."
"Of course she said no. She texted me every now and then for some D, so our relationship was solely based on sex from the start (I set some boundries)."
"About 5 sexual encounters later (2, 3 months) I found out she was actually in a LTR with her still BF of 3 years. I addressed this to her."
"She was begging and crying to not tell him. I've got enough evidence to prove to him, but I'm not sure if I should let him know. Why and why not? If so, how should I address this to him?"
"I feel kind of guilty because I was once in his place. She even said it herself while sobbing to me 'he doesn't deserve this.' The audacity of these women, smh.
Strangers of the internet weighed in with their responses, with most of them encouraging the OP to tell the boyfriend.
"I would be absolutely livid at being duped into the role of affair partner and the boyfriend would get every instance of proof I had."
"If you were the boyfriend, would you want to know?" – MonsieurLeDude
"Tell him. He deserves to know he also doesn't deserve yo be in a relationship with a lying cheating sh*t." – DontSleepWarnOthers
"Yes, he deserves to know. She is just scared of facing the consequences. Help a brotha out man..."
D"ude has been with her for 3 years and is getting cheated on, tell him so he can dump her a** and move on with his life." – dudedudetx
There is no time like the present.
"I'd say tell him dude. It will hurt him a lot but you're saving him a lot of hardship down the line. His relationship is already over."
"It's not your fault since you didn't know. I'd want someone to tell me. What if he proposes or something? Best he find out now." – Derpyjersey
"I dont think you are in a weird position, its fairly straightforward."
"He is trusting his life, his heart and his health to someone who is lying to him and he deserves to know, so he can make clear headed decisions."
"If you are worried about 'legality' make sure you cover up the personal parts of any photos you may have so its not revenge porn and be done with it. Create an anonymous google account so he doesn't have your real details." – NothappyJane
People with experience shared their stories involving cheating.
"I've also been there before. The fiance messaged me with screenshots of my nudes, threatening to post them online and tell my husband."
"I was single, so that latter threat didn't go anywhere. I can only guess that he told her I'm married so our chatting didn't mean anything. I had to threaten legal action. I think they're still together."
"After her vile threat, I think they deserve each other." – GingerBakersDozen
After reading much of the comments persuading the OP to come clean, he expressed having some minor concerns.
"I just read each comment up to now and there's obviously more people agreeing for me to tell. If I questioned this in the first place, it's because I had this thing bugging me; that this would tarnish my honor as a man and it'll maybe make me look like a snitch or as someone getting into another man's business."
"Though, I really shouldn't be worrying about this because I didn't ask to be in this position. This foul woman got me here without me even knowing and now I have to deal with it one way or another. I shouldn't be carrying another person's issues like this."
"Yes, a lot of you also mention that I should put myself in his position, and, well, I did mention I felt guilty of this because I've already been in that guy's position in the past, and of course I would've wanted someone to tell me early on."
"So what I'm doing now is compilating several texts that show her being the one asking for us to see each other and other compromising evidence."
He continued to articulate how much hearing the truth will sting for the boyfriend.
"Now that I read them, and put myself in his place, this sh*t is gonna hurt him a lot. Texts that read 'what thong should I wear later for you?' or 'waking up to you made me feel a type of way, a good way tho.' Damn, women are cold!"
"I mean, this even shows me a glimpse of what my cheating ex was doing as well. I'm planning on doing this anonymously, so I'll maybe have to make a fake IG account or something."
"Question? Is there any legal situation that could backfire on me after doing this? I mean, any potential sh*t the dude or the girl could try to put me in? This if by any way the girl later comes at me for telling her bf."
"Like someone mentioned in the comments, there could be drama on this depending on how any of them react, so I'm trying to stay safe in any way possible."
"I'd appreciate the feedback."
This Redditor instructed the OP to start gathering "every scrap of evidence" to be used against her.
"This falls under 'decent human being' code in my book. If you're honestly struggling about whether to tell her boyfriend, just put yourself in his shoes for a few seconds.
"You're madly in love with a girl that you've been dating for 3 years, you're probably considering engagement at this stage, maybe you've even started saving for the ring."
"Unbeknownst to you, your girlfriend is having sex with another man (men?) and they don't know whether or not to tell you. What would you want them to do?"
"A healthy relationship is built on trust and communication - this guy isn't getting the full story he deserves - if he chooses to stay, that's on him but at least let the man make an informed decision for himself based on facts."
"That's not even taking into account the fact that she's putting his health at risk! This isn't saying anything about you OP, but who knows who else she's slept with and if she's used protection or not."
"If you tell him, and I sincerely hope you do, make sure to include every scrap of evidence you have so she can't gaslight him into believing that you're 'just some psycho stalker' or whatnot. Hell, even adding an email address and the statement that you'd be willing to answer any additional questions he might have would go a long way, but you're not obligated to do that of course."
"As long as he gets all the evidence you have, that at least gives the poor guy a fair shot at figuring out who he's really been dating for 3 years, don't let the dude marry her without at least knowing that she's a cheater." – ExceptionFatale
This person was thankful that someone in similar situation to the OP's came clean with them.
"As someone who has been in his shoes, please tell him. Include screenshots of messages if you can so she can't bullsh*t her way out of it."
"I thanked the woman who told me because I knew it wasn't her fault- she was just as much a victim as I was. I deserved to know the truth, as does this guy." – crazycatdiva
A good majority of male Redditors encouraged the OP to honor the "bro code" by reaching out to the boyfriend, but there were still plenty of comments arguing that it was none of his business.
Ultimately, the best advice might be for him to follow his gut.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.