A man found out that the woman with whom he was having sex was not exactly forthcoming about her presumptive single status.
Victims of infidelity can experience a range of emotions, including anger, humiliation and despondency.
But as the “other man,” Redditor cassiusxwithanxiety found himself struggling with his own turmoil.
To help him navigate through his moral dilemma, he sought Reddit’s Relationship Advice column and wrote:
“Woman (26 F[emale]) was cheating on her boyfriend with me (27 M[ale]). I didn’t know about her [long-term relationship] (LTR) until now.”
“Should I tell the woman’s boyfriend?”
To be clear, the Original Poster (OP) previously asked this woman point-blank about her dating situation.
“Before meeting and having sexual encounters with her, I did ask if she was in any type of relationship, this not because I was looking for something serious, I just wanted to know what I was getting into.”
“Of course she said no. She texted me every now and then for some D, so our relationship was solely based on sex from the start (I set some boundries).”
“About 5 sexual encounters later (2, 3 months) I found out she was actually in a LTR with her still BF of 3 years. I addressed this to her.”
“She was begging and crying to not tell him. I’ve got enough evidence to prove to him, but I’m not sure if I should let him know. Why and why not? If so, how should I address this to him?”
“I feel kind of guilty because I was once in his place. She even said it herself while sobbing to me ‘he doesn’t deserve this.’ The audacity of these women, smh.
Strangers of the internet weighed in with their responses, with most of them encouraging the OP to tell the boyfriend.
“I would be absolutely livid at being duped into the role of affair partner and the boyfriend would get every instance of proof I had.”
“If you were the boyfriend, would you want to know?” – MonsieurLeDude
“Tell him. He deserves to know he also doesn’t deserve yo be in a relationship with a lying cheating sh*t.” – DontSleepWarnOthers
“Yes, he deserves to know. She is just scared of facing the consequences. Help a brotha out man…”
D”ude has been with her for 3 years and is getting cheated on, tell him so he can dump her a** and move on with his life.” – dudedudetx
There is no time like the present.
“I’d say tell him dude. It will hurt him a lot but you’re saving him a lot of hardship down the line. His relationship is already over.”
“It’s not your fault since you didn’t know. I’d want someone to tell me. What if he proposes or something? Best he find out now.” – Derpyjersey
“I dont think you are in a weird position, its fairly straightforward.”
“He is trusting his life, his heart and his health to someone who is lying to him and he deserves to know, so he can make clear headed decisions.”
“If you are worried about ‘legality’ make sure you cover up the personal parts of any photos you may have so its not revenge porn and be done with it. Create an anonymous google account so he doesn’t have your real details.” – NothappyJane
People with experience shared their stories involving cheating.
“I’ve also been there before. The fiance messaged me with screenshots of my nudes, threatening to post them online and tell my husband.”
“I was single, so that latter threat didn’t go anywhere. I can only guess that he told her I’m married so our chatting didn’t mean anything. I had to threaten legal action. I think they’re still together.”
“After her vile threat, I think they deserve each other.” – GingerBakersDozen
After reading much of the comments persuading the OP to come clean, he expressed having some minor concerns.
“I just read each comment up to now and there’s obviously more people agreeing for me to tell. If I questioned this in the first place, it’s because I had this thing bugging me; that this would tarnish my honor as a man and it’ll maybe make me look like a snitch or as someone getting into another man’s business.”
“Though, I really shouldn’t be worrying about this because I didn’t ask to be in this position. This foul woman got me here without me even knowing and now I have to deal with it one way or another. I shouldn’t be carrying another person’s issues like this.”
“Yes, a lot of you also mention that I should put myself in his position, and, well, I did mention I felt guilty of this because I’ve already been in that guy’s position in the past, and of course I would’ve wanted someone to tell me early on.”
“So what I’m doing now is compilating several texts that show her being the one asking for us to see each other and other compromising evidence.”
He continued to articulate how much hearing the truth will sting for the boyfriend.
“Now that I read them, and put myself in his place, this sh*t is gonna hurt him a lot. Texts that read ‘what thong should I wear later for you?’ or ‘waking up to you made me feel a type of way, a good way tho.’ Damn, women are cold!”
“I mean, this even shows me a glimpse of what my cheating ex was doing as well. I’m planning on doing this anonymously, so I’ll maybe have to make a fake IG account or something.”
“Question? Is there any legal situation that could backfire on me after doing this? I mean, any potential sh*t the dude or the girl could try to put me in? This if by any way the girl later comes at me for telling her bf.”
“Like someone mentioned in the comments, there could be drama on this depending on how any of them react, so I’m trying to stay safe in any way possible.”
“I’d appreciate the feedback.”
This Redditor instructed the OP to start gathering “every scrap of evidence” to be used against her.
“This falls under ‘decent human being’ code in my book. If you’re honestly struggling about whether to tell her boyfriend, just put yourself in his shoes for a few seconds.
“You’re madly in love with a girl that you’ve been dating for 3 years, you’re probably considering engagement at this stage, maybe you’ve even started saving for the ring.”
“Unbeknownst to you, your girlfriend is having sex with another man (men?) and they don’t know whether or not to tell you. What would you want them to do?”
“A healthy relationship is built on trust and communication – this guy isn’t getting the full story he deserves – if he chooses to stay, that’s on him but at least let the man make an informed decision for himself based on facts.”
“That’s not even taking into account the fact that she’s putting his health at risk! This isn’t saying anything about you OP, but who knows who else she’s slept with and if she’s used protection or not.”
“If you tell him, and I sincerely hope you do, make sure to include every scrap of evidence you have so she can’t gaslight him into believing that you’re ‘just some psycho stalker’ or whatnot. Hell, even adding an email address and the statement that you’d be willing to answer any additional questions he might have would go a long way, but you’re not obligated to do that of course.”
“As long as he gets all the evidence you have, that at least gives the poor guy a fair shot at figuring out who he’s really been dating for 3 years, don’t let the dude marry her without at least knowing that she’s a cheater.” – ExceptionFatale
This person was thankful that someone in similar situation to the OP’s came clean with them.
“As someone who has been in his shoes, please tell him. Include screenshots of messages if you can so she can’t bullsh*t her way out of it.”
“I thanked the woman who told me because I knew it wasn’t her fault- she was just as much a victim as I was. I deserved to know the truth, as does this guy.” – crazycatdiva
A good majority of male Redditors encouraged the OP to honor the “bro code” by reaching out to the boyfriend, but there were still plenty of comments arguing that it was none of his business.
Ultimately, the best advice might be for him to follow his gut.