When we think of wedding vows, we usually think of the big-ticket items, like a couple staying together through a terrible illness or committing to move across the country when a phenomenal job opportunity presents itself.
But the items that eat away at a marriage are usually much smaller, cringed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor aita-throwaway78 had been married to her husband for five years, and every time she tried to discuss her concerns with him, with were largely centered around her being a stay-at-home wife, he would either avoid the conversation or become furious with her.
When he tried to flip her concern around and blame her, the Original Poster (OP) could not see this situation ever improving and decided she was done and wanted a divorce.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by asking for a divorce after my husband said to me, ‘I never asked you to do any of that, so I don’t know why you waste your time’?”
The OP’s husband changed her career forever when they got married.
“My (28 Female) husband (31 Male) and I have been married for about five years.”
“In the beginning, he asked me to be a stay-at-home wife (SAHW) so I could focus on my hobbies, because he saw ‘a lot of potential’ in them.”
“Even though I’d been working since before I was sixteen, I trusted him and did just that, which I’ve been extremely grateful for.”
“My hobbies turned into a small business, and the money I made went toward things like our travel expenses, vacations, date nights, or whatever else we wanted to do that was extra (including saving up for a new car or just putting it toward savings).”
“With that being said, my husband is also a service member who makes enough to support both of us. It’s not off his salary alone, as the military provides a basic allowance that covers about 85 to 90 percent of our expenses, and he pays the difference.”
“We don’t have kids, so any leftover money gets put in a joint account we use for things like gas or whatever, if that makes sense.”
The responsibilities at home started out imbalanced, too.
“When things started out, I took on the majority of our household duties, too. I thought it was fair, since I did my stuff for fun and had time to cook and clean like that.”
“But over a couple years, my hobbies turned into paid work, and I started to put more time towards that since it… you know, paid.”
“I also picked up a part-time job at the gym I went to, so my workload grew as things went on, which naturally means it took time away from me maintaining our home like I used to.”
“But even then, I found the time to come home, do the laundry, clean the apartment, cook dinner, and still tend to things that needed to be taken care of (i.e., clean out spoiled food, etc.).”
“And since I ALSO SERVED, I thought I was being accommodating to his chaotic schedule, because the military can be unpredictable like that.”
The labor imbalance began to affect the OP.
“In a lot of ways, I didn’t mind because I love taking care of my partner. I love making his life easier; it makes me feel fulfilled.”
“But after almost six years of this, I started to feel neglected. I felt like I was the only person putting in this kind of effort, and he would come home just to benefit from it.”
“I tried bringing it up to him many times before, but he always said things like, ‘You do [this/that] so much better,’ or, ‘I don’t want to mess [this/that] up for you,’ or, ‘I’m just tired from work, can you take of [it] this time?'”
“Or he would go as far as to say, ‘I’ll take care of it over the weekend,’ but then never would.”
“And if I asked him about it? He would start an argument about my attitude and how I was constantly nagging him, and could never just let him ‘get to it when he gets to it.’ But ‘getting to it’ never happened.”
“I stopped doing things for him after this constant cycle, because I felt neglected and ignored.”
“Instead of trying to talk to me about why things weren’t getting done, or more namely, why his stuff wasn’t being taken care of, he just started coming home angry at me.”
“Our home wasn’t spotless, his laundry wasn’t done; dinner wasn’t ready when he was hungry, and because I ‘just worked from home,’ I had no excuses for why none of it was taken care of.”
“To him, I was ‘just sitting at home’; therefore, what I did ‘wasn’t a real job’ (even though we paid back taxes from my 1099’s for the past approximately four years now).”
The OP decided to be honest with her husband, and he did not take it well.
“So I laid things out to him during our last argument.”
“I put on the table everything I took on as far as chores went, versus what he took care of.”
“I cooked, cleaned, maintained our finances, tracked our groceries, organized schedules, and plan, on top of maintaining my own small business; meanwhile, he… (checks notes) came home to game until it was time for bed.”
“I very much understood how the military CAN be, but when his own soldiers at my gym were telling me their schedules weren’t ‘as chaotic’ as he made it seem? I lost a lot of respect for him lying to me, and making it seem like he was doing backbreaking labor when most of the time, he was just sitting with them in the motor pool or wherever, and waiting to get dismissed.”
“He said, ‘I just want my downtime after work.'”
“I replied, ‘And I want that for you too. But I want you to prioritize our home before you sit down, even if that means you just pick up your laundry or unload the dishwasher.'”
“Anyway, after all of that, he threw in my face that he pays the bills, and I should JUST be grateful that he provides. But like… no? You also live here, sir. You share this space with me.”
“We both work, and just because you don’t respect that I work from home, that doesn’t mean it’s any less profitable. You’re just as responsible for our space as I am.”
The OP didn’t see the situation getting better in the future.
“A quick aside: Unfortunately, any time I’ve tried to have direct (but calm/respectful) discussions about things that bothered me, he doesn’t shout or talk over me most of the time. He just ignores me or gets defensive. It’s like he shuts down, gives me short, agreeable answers to get out of the discussion, but he doesn’t actually contribute anything constructive to helping us get through the problem.”
“Or he puts words in my mouth or makes excuses for himself. I don’t know, I think I’m fortunate to not have kids with him (as sad as that is to say).”
“I used to want to, but seeing the man he’s become now, I just feel like I dodged a bullet, and I don’t want anything more out of this marriage moving forward.”
“So instead of seeing my perspective, he rebutted, ‘I NEVER asked you to do any of that, so I don’t know why you waste your time.'”
“That’s when I told him I wanted a divorce.”
“Now he’s telling me I overreacted and that I’m letting my emotions get the better of me. But I think what he said spat in my face about all the things I did for him as a spouse. Why would I waste my time on someone who refuses to understand why I take care of things the way I do?”
“Am I overreacting? Is there something here I’m not seeing?”
“I can be short-tempered in moments like this, but I feel extremely justified in how I feel. But I’d appreciate perspective if there are spouses who have been in his position before, and what their thought process is. Please enlighten me.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some sympathized with the OP and urged her to follow her heart.
“You are not overreacting. I am divorced, I didn’t take it lightly, but once my mind was made up, that was it. We had similar problems; he refused to pull his weight at all, and we have children.”
“He didn’t bother with them. I was a married single mum.”
“Whenever I tried to have a calm talk about it, he would turn it into an argument and talk over me constantly. In all the years of marriage, we were never able to discuss any problem calmly. Big problems, even small problems that could have been resolved but he did not have the capacity to discuss things calmly so any problem was never solved.”
“I’m going to predict that your husband is not going to change from how he is; he doesn’t see himself as doing household chores, they are below him. It will be hard or even impossible to change his mindset.”
“Or maybe your threats to leave will suddenly jolt him to realise the reality, or maybe not. If you don’t want this situation to be life-long then divorce is the way, only you know if you want to do that or not, but Good Luck.” – Anira1978
“One of the best gifts I gave to myself was not having kids with my ex-husband. Dodge that bullet all the way to divorce court, sis.” – yourmomlurks
“I was in a marriage like that, and unfortunately, if someone isn’t interested in seeing your point of view, no amount of trying to communicate with them will fix the problem.”
“The mindset is very much ‘she’s not going anywhere, so why should I bother changing anything?'”
“He is doing what he thinks he can get away with. Even if you threaten divorce, men like this won’t truly believe you until you actually go through with it.” – kismet_mutiny
“NOR. My ex was like this. It’s avoidant behavior. They’ll say whatever they need to to get out of the conversation and then do whatever they wanted to do. Even if it conflicts with what they said.”
“They’ll sacrifice their honor to survive the moment. My ex also sabotaged my career advancement and emotional health in little ways. Like starting arguments before social events, sabotaging my work on joint projects, etc. It just didn’t work with my values, so I left.” – Dry_Memory_8884
“One thing I have learned about men is that you should never start doing EVERYTHING for them. They will never, ever, ever reciprocate; they will never ever ever want this to change.”
“Their hand will be held out for more for the remainder of your relationship. They expect it instead of appreciating it.”
“I’m not saying don’t do things for your partner, but set the standard you want from the beginning. Then, when you DO make him dinner or do his laundry, it will be the very nice act of love that it is rather than an expectation.” – workana
“NOR.”
“The OP wrote, ‘Any time I’ve tried to have direct (but calm/respectful) discussions about things that bothered me, he doesn’t shout or talk over me most of the time. He just ignores me or gets defensive. It’s like he shuts down, gives me short, agreeable answers to get out of the discussion.'”
“I recognize that behavior, because I used to do the same. After my last failed relationship, I resolved not to repeat that mistake. But only I could make that change, and so only your husband can do the same.” – j_jqqq
Others agreed that it sounded like it was time to go.
“Definitely sounds like it’s time to go. NOR.” – magicmavenhart
“I think you’ll be happier without him. Make your own money, take care of your own mess in your own house. You’ll find someone better.” – impatient_panda729
“Time to go, babe. All this sh*t isn’t yours to fix. You’ve uncovered something that’s been here the whole time. With the right person, you grow together. He’s not interested in growing. You’ll be okay.” – IllustriousHold5476
“He hasn’t changed at all. He didn’t become anyone else. Did you ever question why he wanted you to be a stay-at-home wife? The hobbies were an excuse, sweet talk to get you to take care of everything for him. I worry that his initial intention was for you not to make money from it and be stuck relying on him forever.” – Canaria0
“NOR, He didn’t want a partner, he wanted a servant and offered to let you be a sahw… How can you leave if you don’t have your own money and an employment gap? But you ruined this plan by spinning your hobby into a viable job and wanted help around the house, because you are partners, not his maid.” – kohmaru
“You’re probably right. Make no mistake – this was not a misunderstanding. This was him being manipulative. Anyone who says, ‘But you’re much better at it,’ when asked to do a basic house chore is just weaponizing their incompetence.”
“If he’s able to go out to the world and work and make money, then he’s able to unload a dishwasher or do laundry. He just doesn’t want to.”
“He isn’t ignorant; he’s lazy and entitled. And he’s not going to change. This is who he is. He’s been showing it to you this whole time. It’s time you believe him.” – Gennevieve1
“He’s mad because it’s not done, but says he never asked you to do it. He’s made his choice not to do anything. You have no responsibility to be his unpaid maid, etc. Do not feel guilty. It’s not easy, but you must do what you need for yourself.” – uniquelymeudv
Shared chores in the home may not seem dealbreaker-worthy to someone on the outside looking in, but years of doing all of the labor for two people and having nothing reciprocated can really wear down a relationship.
It’s especially jarring that the OP’s husband wanted her to quit her job to focus on hobbies, only to later hold that against her. When a relationship isn’t working, it’s often the signs like this that tell the true story.