Paternity testing used to be expensive and out of reach for most people. Desperation turned some people to tabloid talk shows and programs like paternity court to get answers.
But with the ever-increasing accessibility of home DNA testing, home paternity tests are available for less than $10 at your local drugstore.
But when should a person utilize such a test? Once that genie is out of the bottle, there's no putting it back in.
A husband with doubts based solely on his son's physical appearance accused his wife of cheating because of this.
The wife turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback. Similar to AITA, this subReddit doesn't set voting acronyms or issue an official judgment. However, it does allow topics banned on AITA, like relationship troubles.
Only_Injury8944 asked:
"AITAH for not stopping my husband from getting the paternity test?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband recently asked me for a paternity test. Why? Because our son looks nothing like him."
"I never cheated on him. I would never. He knows he was my first and only partner."
"I told him he can have the test. Who am I to stop him from it?"
"He took the test and found out our son is actually his, and he seemed very happy. I told him congrats."
"Now you are sure it's your own son you are paying child support for. He asked what that meant, and I told him if he thinks I cheat on him, then we truly shouldn't be married."
"I took my son and left, and we are currently staying in a hotel, and I'm going to get divorced."
"He keeps calling and texting and begging me to come back, but I don't want to."
"He said if I had such a problem with the test, then I should have stopped him instead of allowing it and then 'acting like a bratty child and ruining our lives'."
"I'm not sure how I'm the one ruining our lives. He is the one who thinks I'm a cheater."
"He should be happy he doesn't have to live with a cheater anymore."
Some Redditors used the voting acronyms from AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors who used the voting acronyms decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA—if you had stopped him, then his mind would have been made up, the baby isn't his. I don't blame you at all." ~ Sad-Country-9873
"You didn't fight him on the test. You let him do it, and now he's blaming you for not stopping him? That's backwards." ~ throwaway1234503
"NTA. He's a control freak and manipulator."
"She fights on the test, she cheated. She doesn't fight (because she knows the truth), and it's all her fault that he wanted a test."
"OP had three options. Fight the test and be continually accused, allow the test but let off partner for accusing her of cheating for no reason (which would only encourage his behaviour), or allow the test and give husband the consequences of his actions."
"OP picked the right one for her long-term health." ~ ChampionshipOne6259
"Don't forget projection. Oftentimes, these people project their own actions on the spouse."
"She made the right choice. The marriage isn't based on trust. I bet his mom or other family member is whispering things in his ear as they don't like her." ~ Mountain-Paper-8420
"Plus divorcing him is the only way men like this will learn that their stupid, immature actions have consequences."
"Want a paternity test? Sure. That comes with a divorce, by the way."
"Red pill podcasts aren't real life. Any man who thinks they are, deserves the divorce they will eventually get." ~ SunShineShady
"He couldn't possibly be at fault though, I mean who would mind being called a cheater who would lie through a whole pregnancy about the paternity of their baby?'' ~ Beth21286
"He's blaming her for his actions, just like he would have blamed her for everything else in their marriage. I'm glad OP got out now." ~ Minimum-Arachnid-190
"It's not even about the test. It's about the lack of trust that the test represents. Validly, OP has a problem with the fact that her husband did not trust her."
"Trust is one of the foundations of a healthy relationship. He has demonstrated that he doesn't have trust, therefore the foundation of the relationship is broken and it's over."
"I am not advocating that this response by OP was either constructive or non-constructive. We have no idea the content of the conversations."
"We have no idea about how the rest of their marriage or relationship is. All we know is that her trust was broken, and she feels that she needs to leave."
"Who knows, they might get back together next week or next year. Maybe they'll get couples therapy and work on their communication. I don't wanna make assumptions."
"I admire anyone who recognizes when they need to leave because there is a red line that's been crossed—for them—that they can't go back from."
"That means that her child will not grow up in a broken home. As someone who has experienced dysfunction myself as a child, it's so much better to be raised by two separate whole people (and potentially their partners) than two untrusting, dysfunctional people."
"The entire point is, trust is required. Foster trust, maintain trust, talk about your boundaries, check in with one another and try your best to communicate effectively and honestly."
"That was not done in this relationship—not sure how much by either party— and this is the result." ~ mrmoe198
"Exactly, that complete lack of trust is something you can't get over."
"Because, he will be thinking, 'well ok, this kid is mine, but what about the next one?' and of course 'did you really take your mother to buy groceries, or did you f*ck a hobo in the grocery store parking lot!"
"There is no way all the jealousy, wild accusations, and complete lack of trust went away with that test result." ~ Apprehensive-Care20z
"This is exactly it. There's no winning, there's no proving you are worthy of trust with a partner who thinks this way."
"I have a friend whose husband is constantly accusing her of cheating. Every time she is anywhere without him, gym, girls night out, if she stays late at work, anything."
"He's deeply insecure and misogynistic and pushes that onto her."
"He literally accused her of cheating on him while she was on a weekend trip with her mother to celebrate her mom's birthday. They were sharing a hotel room."
"I keep telling her I wouldn't stay married to someone who thought so little of me as to think I'd screw a stranger while my mom slept 5 feet away, but she's so beaten down by his constant mistreatment she thinks it's normal." ~ Unable_Pumpkin987
"It's amazing how many people don't understand that asking your spouse—that you have no reason not to trust—for a/getting a paternity test is the equivalent of saying that you believe your wife is a lying cheating whore that is baby trapping you."
"If you are of the opinion that no matter what, you want a paternity test and view it the same as getting a pre-nup, talk about it before getting pregnant. Have a discussion before it is an accusation of being a terrible person, and go from there."
"One night stand? Get a test. On a break? Get a test. In a non-monogamous relationship? Test. In the middle of a rough patch, and the dates don't line up? Test."
"Trying to conceive, and spend 90% of your time together? No test." ~ Dry_Prompt3182
"Blaming someone for being justifiably upset at you is typical bullying behavior. The first words out of their mouths are always 'get over it' or 'it's not a big deal' or 'why are you so sensitive?'."
"In his mind, he's the victim for her overreacting to his perfectly innocuous request." ~ jeffriestubesteak
"Either he thought you were cheating, in which case there is zero trust, and/or he's got paranoia and jealousy issues that make him a poor candidate for husband"
"Or he's got intrusive thoughts and anxiety he's failed to control, which would also make him an undesirable partner."
"Or he's been dipping his toe in the bad part of the internet, which again, renders him not-husband material."
"Tell him this has fundamentally altered how you see him and his stupidity and lack of respect have just turned you all the way off." ~ Apart_Insect_8859
"Exactly. No matter how you spin it, the trust is broken. You can't unring that bell, and she deserves better." ~ CleanPerspective2345
"Bro has issues and instead of dealing with them in a healthy way, he accuses her of infidelity and then expects her to go back to how things were before he had a third party deem her not a cheater."
"OP is not responsible for his emotional immaturity or his insecurities. He might be too stupid to realize how his behavior revealed so much about his character, but blaming her for his choices is insane." ~ thecathugger
"NTA. He clearly has trust issues, and honestly, even though the test came back with him as the daddy, that kinda doubt sticks."
"It's not about the test results, it's about him even thinking that way. Honestly, I'd stay gone."
"He needs to seriously reflect on his actions and maybe get some therapy because that's not healthy. And like, him calling you 'bratty' after he doubted you? Nah, girl. You deserve better." ~ Tatianaglow
The OP may not have had her husband's support regarding their child's paternity, but Reddit definitely had her back. Don't stay with someone who doesn't trust or respect you.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.