It's nice to imagine that when two people are dating, they will care about each other enough to always hope that each other's needs are being met, including financially.
For some people, that concern even extends beyond a breakup, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ronrori was engaged to his girlfriend and was happy to support her while she was between jobs, and again when she struggled with balancing the responsibilities of work and home life after returning to work.
Even when she suddenly broke up with him, the Original Poster (OP) still hesitated, wondering if he should continue to help her or not.
He asked the sub:
"Am I the A**hole if I stop sending my girlfriend money since she broke up with me today?"
The OP was happy to support his girlfriend was she was staying at home.
"She (27 Female) was my (31 Male) girlfriend for the last three years, and we had been living together all that time up until three months ago when I was relocated temporarily for a set lapse of six months total (about four hours away)."
"We were engaged and had an otherwise normal and loving relationship. We slept together daily when I was home, had quality time together whenever I was off of work, and had sex frequently."
"For the last two years or so while she wasn't working, I have been paying her 56% of my salary for her to do groceries, cook, clean the house, do the laundry, and wash the dishes."
When the OP's girlfriend got a job, the financial support was adjusted.
"She got a job about two weeks ago and told me she didn't want to do all the housework anymore."
"I said it was fine but that I wouldn't pay her a salary anymore. I said I wouldn't make her pay any bills, but that I just wouldn't pay her anymore money since she was no longer 'working' for me."
"She said it was okay, and I even agreed to pay her for two more months nonetheless."
But then the OP's girlfriend did something he did not see coming.
"This weekend, I drove home, but before I could arrive at home, she broke up with me."
"She stated that I am an emotionally unavailable person and that she feels she cannot rely on me for emotional support."
"Before I could even offer a way to work it out, she said that my being a lot more logical, down-to-earth, and solution-oriented than her was something she liked."
"Then she offered an open-relationship in what felt to be out of the blue."
"I told her that she would have never offered that to me before and that it was a clear sign that she was over me already and was just looking for a way to smooth out the breakup. I said I wouldn't take an open relationship and that we should break up instead."
"And to be honest, her offering an open relationship to me really broke my heart. It was clear that she harbored no more respect or love for me. More so because she always had been the jealous and possessive type, it seemed very out of character for her to offer an open relationship."
The OP felt conflicted about offering future financial support.
"I agreed to let her stay at my apartment (it is my parents' property, we pay no rent) for the next three months while she looks for where to live."
"But now that I think of it, we didn't discuss the matter of the salary I've been paying her. I could really use the money I've been paying her, but I wonder if it would be too douchey of me to flat out stop paying her and not wait for her to move out beforehand."
"AITAH if I stop paying her?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some couldn't believe this was something the OP was actually concerned about.
"You broke up. Cut all expenses. Have some dignity, man." - Beginning-Raccoon-50
"She just broke up with you, and your way to thank her for this is let her live at your place and pay her for it…" - Poperama74
"Wait, you gave her 55% of your income for her to clean? What the f**k, you're the a**hole to yourself, dude." - Lordbazingtion
"She has a job and is living rent-free, she can buy her own groceries. And it's ridiculous to pay an ex-girlfriend to do her own cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. She's not even doing it for him, just for herself!"
"I just wish I could find someone willing to let me live in their apartment alone for free, buy my groceries, and pay me to do my own laundry and such." - Stock-Cell1556
"He is being an AH in a way, trampling all over any ounce of self-respect he could ever hope to have. NTA to her, YTA to himself." - Voiceofreason8787
Others agreed and thought the OP was being way too generous.
"Don't pay her anything. And evict her. I'm not sure why you're letting her stay for 3 months. End things cleanly is always the best option. NTA." - cthulularoo
"NTA. She needs to move out now. You owe her nothing, and she could do some damage to the place if she is mad at you. Sounds like she already has another bf so do you want them shagging in your bed at your apartment?" - ERVetSurgeon
"Mate, leaving her there is going to be bad. She can claim tenants' rights since you're not home. You need to evict her before you come home and find the locks changed." - Quiet-Hamster6509
"Letting her stay there three months rent-free is generous enough. NTA."
"You don't need to buy her groceries, or pay her to wash her laundry, cook her food, wash the dishes she is using, and clean the apartment she is living in."
"Dude. Come on. Self respect." - Curious-One4595
"She dumped you, she should have had all her ducks in a row, knowing what she was going to do, that means she should have had her own place AND a job set up."
"You are under no obligation to help her at all, call your parents and let her know that you broke up and she's still there… They need to protect their home, and you've set them up with a squatter. If you are an AH, it would be for the BS you are pulling on your parents…"
"Kick your ex to the curb." - Akira_is_coming7777
Some pointed out that the OP had given his ex the tools to give herself an exit, while now still wanting to use the OP as a backup plan.
"She's like, 'You're ONLY going to let me stay unemployed and pay my rent? I deserve a SALARY to be your girlfriend too!!!'"
"You can see how much she was using him, by the fact that she could have gotten a job anytime, but was happy to mooch off of him. But she knew ahead of time she was going to dump him, so she went out and got a job ahead of time."
"I do feel terrible for OP. Imagine giving a free place to live, and a salary for doing almost nothing (and doing the cooking/cleaning of an apartment for a couple without kids is pretty close to nothing), and STILL that's not enough for her to stay with him."
"I'm almost certain she found some other guy already, which triggered her giving up on her free ride." - BigMax
"Your budget sending money was perfectly sane if you asked her to use it to manage house bills and groceries for both of you while living together, but if you have split up, no. Let her manage her own affairs (not just household, but... affairs), but set up online ways to pay those bills yourself for the house NTA." - Remarkable_Ad2733
"She's cheating on you, man! She's probably f**king some other guy in your bed! No one requests an open relationship without already having someone in mind."
"She's probably already been cheating on you and just doesn't want to feel guilty, and wants to legitimize her cheating by you giving her permission. So not only has she been using you for a place to stay for free and 56% of your income, but she's probably got some other man sleeping in your bed!"
"You should have your parents evict her a** immediately! She can go live with her affair partner, you just know she's got another boyfriend!" - EnerGeTiX618
"Bro, she broke up with you, and it seems like you've done nothing but be good to her. Tell her to pack her stuff and get out right now. Block her on everything."
"Unless there is something you've been doing and didn't share, she likely is cheating on you and has already found someone else. Let her be his problem now. Stay up, fam." - Herc_onna_perc
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"Thank you all for your insights. As of now, I have let her know I will not be sending her anymore money, but I haven't changed the time period she is allowed to stay rent-free."
"I see now most of you think I am crazy and a simp, but honestly, I kind of see her as a dependent of mine, even if she has broken up with me."
"And I am genuinely worried that she might not be able to make it on her own since she has never been independent, and as it feels, she has taken a rash decision guided by feelings instead of being well thought out."
"Believe me, she has no money saved, she has nothing but debt, and I sincerely hope she is able to pull it through."
"I have absolutely no intentions of having her back, or of changing her mind in any way. I just kind of see her as a parent whose child is trying to be independent without the right toolset."
"Anyway, I'll keep you posted, and thank you all."
While the subReddit could appreciate a person wanting to care for their partner and make sure they were okay, even when they're not their partner anymore, they felt the OP was stretching himself too thin.
He'd already helped her be more financially independent while she wasn't working, and honored her work-life balance when she did go back to work. But she was basically living alone most of the time, living life however she wished, and getting paid to do so.
If she was no longer interested in that arrangement, she either wanted a boyfriend who'd be physically present all the time and not away working, or she'd already found someone else on the OP's dime.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.