It’s nice to imagine that when two people are dating, they will care about each other enough to always hope that each other’s needs are being met, including financially.
For some people, that concern even extends beyond a breakup, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ronrori was engaged to his girlfriend and was happy to support her while she was between jobs, and again when she struggled with balancing the responsibilities of work and home life after returning to work.
Even when she suddenly broke up with him, the Original Poster (OP) still hesitated, wondering if he should continue to help her or not.
He asked the sub:
“Am I the A**hole if I stop sending my girlfriend money since she broke up with me today?”
The OP was happy to support his girlfriend was she was staying at home.
“She (27 Female) was my (31 Male) girlfriend for the last three years, and we had been living together all that time up until three months ago when I was relocated temporarily for a set lapse of six months total (about four hours away).”
“We were engaged and had an otherwise normal and loving relationship. We slept together daily when I was home, had quality time together whenever I was off of work, and had sex frequently.”
“For the last two years or so while she wasn’t working, I have been paying her 56% of my salary for her to do groceries, cook, clean the house, do the laundry, and wash the dishes.”
When the OP’s girlfriend got a job, the financial support was adjusted.
“She got a job about two weeks ago and told me she didn’t want to do all the housework anymore.”
“I said it was fine but that I wouldn’t pay her a salary anymore. I said I wouldn’t make her pay any bills, but that I just wouldn’t pay her anymore money since she was no longer ‘working’ for me.”
“She said it was okay, and I even agreed to pay her for two more months nonetheless.”
But then the OP’s girlfriend did something he did not see coming.
“This weekend, I drove home, but before I could arrive at home, she broke up with me.”
“She stated that I am an emotionally unavailable person and that she feels she cannot rely on me for emotional support.”
“Before I could even offer a way to work it out, she said that my being a lot more logical, down-to-earth, and solution-oriented than her was something she liked.”
“Then she offered an open-relationship in what felt to be out of the blue.”
“I told her that she would have never offered that to me before and that it was a clear sign that she was over me already and was just looking for a way to smooth out the breakup. I said I wouldn’t take an open relationship and that we should break up instead.”
“And to be honest, her offering an open relationship to me really broke my heart. It was clear that she harbored no more respect or love for me. More so because she always had been the jealous and possessive type, it seemed very out of character for her to offer an open relationship.”
The OP felt conflicted about offering future financial support.
“I agreed to let her stay at my apartment (it is my parents’ property, we pay no rent) for the next three months while she looks for where to live.”
“But now that I think of it, we didn’t discuss the matter of the salary I’ve been paying her. I could really use the money I’ve been paying her, but I wonder if it would be too douchey of me to flat out stop paying her and not wait for her to move out beforehand.”
“AITAH if I stop paying her?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some couldn’t believe this was something the OP was actually concerned about.
“You broke up. Cut all expenses. Have some dignity, man.” – Beginning-Raccoon-50
“She just broke up with you, and your way to thank her for this is let her live at your place and pay her for it…” – Poperama74
“Wait, you gave her 55% of your income for her to clean? What the f**k, you’re the a**hole to yourself, dude.” – Lordbazingtion
“She has a job and is living rent-free, she can buy her own groceries. And it’s ridiculous to pay an ex-girlfriend to do her own cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. She’s not even doing it for him, just for herself!”
“I just wish I could find someone willing to let me live in their apartment alone for free, buy my groceries, and pay me to do my own laundry and such.” – Stock-Cell1556
“He is being an AH in a way, trampling all over any ounce of self-respect he could ever hope to have. NTA to her, YTA to himself.” – Voiceofreason8787
Others agreed and thought the OP was being way too generous.
“Don’t pay her anything. And evict her. I’m not sure why you’re letting her stay for 3 months. End things cleanly is always the best option. NTA.” – cthulularoo
“NTA. She needs to move out now. You owe her nothing, and she could do some damage to the place if she is mad at you. Sounds like she already has another bf so do you want them shagging in your bed at your apartment?” – ERVetSurgeon
“Mate, leaving her there is going to be bad. She can claim tenants’ rights since you’re not home. You need to evict her before you come home and find the locks changed.” – Quiet-Hamster6509
“Letting her stay there three months rent-free is generous enough. NTA.”
“You don’t need to buy her groceries, or pay her to wash her laundry, cook her food, wash the dishes she is using, and clean the apartment she is living in.”
“Dude. Come on. Self respect.” – Curious-One4595
“She dumped you, she should have had all her ducks in a row, knowing what she was going to do, that means she should have had her own place AND a job set up.”
“You are under no obligation to help her at all, call your parents and let her know that you broke up and she’s still there… They need to protect their home, and you’ve set them up with a squatter. If you are an AH, it would be for the BS you are pulling on your parents…”
“Kick your ex to the curb.” – Akira_is_coming7777
Some pointed out that the OP had given his ex the tools to give herself an exit, while now still wanting to use the OP as a backup plan.
“She’s like, ‘You’re ONLY going to let me stay unemployed and pay my rent? I deserve a SALARY to be your girlfriend too!!!'”
“You can see how much she was using him, by the fact that she could have gotten a job anytime, but was happy to mooch off of him. But she knew ahead of time she was going to dump him, so she went out and got a job ahead of time.”
“I do feel terrible for OP. Imagine giving a free place to live, and a salary for doing almost nothing (and doing the cooking/cleaning of an apartment for a couple without kids is pretty close to nothing), and STILL that’s not enough for her to stay with him.”
“I’m almost certain she found some other guy already, which triggered her giving up on her free ride.” – BigMax
“Your budget sending money was perfectly sane if you asked her to use it to manage house bills and groceries for both of you while living together, but if you have split up, no. Let her manage her own affairs (not just household, but… affairs), but set up online ways to pay those bills yourself for the house NTA.” – Remarkable_Ad2733
“She’s cheating on you, man! She’s probably f**king some other guy in your bed! No one requests an open relationship without already having someone in mind.”
“She’s probably already been cheating on you and just doesn’t want to feel guilty, and wants to legitimize her cheating by you giving her permission. So not only has she been using you for a place to stay for free and 56% of your income, but she’s probably got some other man sleeping in your bed!”
“You should have your parents evict her a** immediately! She can go live with her affair partner, you just know she’s got another boyfriend!” – EnerGeTiX618
“Bro, she broke up with you, and it seems like you’ve done nothing but be good to her. Tell her to pack her stuff and get out right now. Block her on everything.”
“Unless there is something you’ve been doing and didn’t share, she likely is cheating on you and has already found someone else. Let her be his problem now. Stay up, fam.” – Herc_onna_perc
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“Thank you all for your insights. As of now, I have let her know I will not be sending her anymore money, but I haven’t changed the time period she is allowed to stay rent-free.”
“I see now most of you think I am crazy and a simp, but honestly, I kind of see her as a dependent of mine, even if she has broken up with me.”
“And I am genuinely worried that she might not be able to make it on her own since she has never been independent, and as it feels, she has taken a rash decision guided by feelings instead of being well thought out.”
“Believe me, she has no money saved, she has nothing but debt, and I sincerely hope she is able to pull it through.”
“I have absolutely no intentions of having her back, or of changing her mind in any way. I just kind of see her as a parent whose child is trying to be independent without the right toolset.”
“Anyway, I’ll keep you posted, and thank you all.”
While the subReddit could appreciate a person wanting to care for their partner and make sure they were okay, even when they’re not their partner anymore, they felt the OP was stretching himself too thin.
He’d already helped her be more financially independent while she wasn’t working, and honored her work-life balance when she did go back to work. But she was basically living alone most of the time, living life however she wished, and getting paid to do so.
If she was no longer interested in that arrangement, she either wanted a boyfriend who’d be physically present all the time and not away working, or she’d already found someone else on the OP’s dime.