We've all known someone who would invite themselves or bully their way in when they heard about our plans.
Most of us just accepted it and took them along for the event, admitted the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor Defined_Figure_139 found a way to get revenge on her boyfriend for constantly crashing her girls' nights and ruining the vibe.
But when he gave her the silent treatment after, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she took it too far.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for making my boyfriend feel uncomfortable after he insisted on joining us on girls' night in?"
The OP was fed up with her boyfriend inviting himself to her events.
"My boyfriend (27 male) started asking to join me in my girls' nights in."
"Every time I tried to say no, he would be like, 'I have to join, or you'll have to cancel.'"
"It made me and the girls miserable having to sit there with him in the middle."
The OP thought of a way to make him not want to attend anymore.
"This past Friday, he insisted on joining us again. I had enough, so I came up with an idea to get him to hate hanging out with us, made a plan, and told the girls what we were going to do, and they were down for it."
"The girls came and my boyfriend immediately sat with us and started ruining our conversations by steering them towards him, his work, and his achievements."
"So here's what I did, I started bringing up gross and embarrassing subjects, and the girls were eating them up, talking about them in detail."
"We covered subjects like sex, periods (his most sensitive spot), cramps diarrhea, hairy legs, farts getting trapped in the vulva and coming out the front, squeezing s**t out of our faces, more cramp diarrhea, dirty underwear, and again...cramp diarrhea."
"We talked about this stuff in extreme detail, like...I could feel his discomfort without even looking at him."
"But God when I turned to see why he got quiet suddenly, he was getting red in the face and had sweat all over his forehead."
"I bet he found himself unable to relate to these subjects and thus couldn't take part in the conversation."
"He got up from the couch, ready to head out. I looked at him and asked where he was going."
"He was like, 'I just, uh... I just remembered that I have an important meeting with a guy in about 10 minutes and... uh... I have to go now.'"
"He rushed out, telling us to have fun. The girls and I started laughing hysterically."
The OP's boyfriend called her out on it later.
"He came home and berated me, saying I made him feel uncomfortable and sick with the horrible subjects I kept bringing up."
"I said, 'What are you talking about? This is the typical stuff girls talk about all the time.'"
"He insisted I made him upset and caused him to leave."
"He declined to speak to me and has been quiet since then."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned by the ultimatum at the beginning of the OP's post.
"NTA. I LOVE this. Good on you! Very calculated!"
"But really, 'I have to join or you'll have to cancel.'"
"That's... kind of scary... That doesn't sound off to you? I would rethink girls' night at y'all's home and try to go to another friend's house if this happens again." - GoFigBill
"NTA."
"'I have to join or you'll have to cancel.' This is not normal."
"Love the strategy too. That's some seriously gross stuff for guys to hear... And that's coming from a dad in an all-female household with a spouse and two daughters."
"He needs to get over you having time with girlfriends and away from him asap. Maybe remind him that he's your partner and not your parent." - Nerd_Law
"NTA, but I have to ask what on earth is this? 'I have to join or you'll have to cancel'? Oh heck no!"
"You have the right to time on your own with your friends."
"Is he controlling elsewhere? Please take some time to reflect on your relationship because this is completely unreasonable and inappropriate behavior from him." - sandvcrispsrock
"What the h**l is this guy who tries to insert himself in a GIRL'S Night or OP has to cancel? That's very controlling and worrying."
"He doesn't sound very mature either, not being able to understand that he should not ask to join or being uncomfortable at the thought of periods. Not boyfriend material much, OP should really rethink this relationship!" - B4cteria
"My ex pulled this s**t all the time. It was to make sure my friends weren't convincing me to leave him or trying to set me up with anyone new."
"You deserve alone time with your friends, OP. This is legit, no usual internet exaggeration, controlling behavior."
"Wanting to hangout for a bit occasionally is one thing, but 'do it my way or no way' is not." - Scanty_and_Kneesocks
"The big question is why are you choosing to be with a man that refuses to respect your right to hang out with other people without him?" - jlzania
"NTA, but you are missing the forest for the trees. You're congratulating yourself on grossing him out into leaving and ignoring the real problem."
"He has all the hallmarks of an abuser. Controlling you, attempting to isolate you, shaming you about basic functions of your body… You need to dump this guy." - Euphoric-Round-5182
Others also didn't appreciate the boyfriend's sensitivity around feminine subjects.
"NTA. Your BF is a brat."
"Everything y'all discussed is typical topics for all my girls' night ins." - SleepDangerous1074
"NTA. Here, sis, you dropped these red flags."
"1. He can't let you have alone time with your friends?"
"2. He can't handle period talk?"
"3. He gets ANGRY with you for talking about normal body functions with your friends??"
"Honey, throw the whole man out." - AlwaysPlaysAHealer
"Well. He wanted to be a part of girls' night. He finally was. NTA."
"Also, 'I have to join or you'll have to cancel'?"
"The f**k is wrong with your boyfriend?" - DogsReadingBooks
"If he shows up next time, she can double down and clue the girls into a plan to talk about the size of their partner's manhood. Maybe exaggerate a little bit..."
"But, seriously, OP, there are many red flags here. You should return him for a better model."
"NTA." - GloryIV
"Honestly, a man who gets the ickies from period talk isn't ready for a relationship with women."
"I am a man by the way." - BasicDesignAdvice
"Let's not forget trying to make every conversation about him him him. Making a whole bunch of your girlfriends go, 'Ohhhhh,' 'Nooo, really?!' about him, is just... weird." - Dangerous-Winter-Elf
"OP, NTA, it's literally a common thing girls talk about with each other. If he wanted to participate in girls' night, he should have been ready for that."
"Since he was just looking for an audience to brag to ('a group of girls I can show off for! What a dream'), the period talk totally derailed him, because he can't participate. He can't make it all about him."
"Your BF is TA, and a narcissist by the way this sounds. Get out now." - CarlSy15
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"Y'all wow, I just got home and left this post at 70ish comments, and here I am looking at hundreds of comments but only read a bunch, you guys... Thank you so much for your feedback and enlightening advice."
"Just to add context: this is his apartment, he tells me who is and isn't allowed to come in, and I thought this was fine since it's his place (though I help with the bills, but he makes so much more as the head of security in his company so that's that)."
"I just can't believe how dense and blind I've been to his negative ways."
"He's still giving me the silent treatment and I've decided it's just a lot to take, and so I'm temporarily moving in with one of the girls and will now be definitely reconsidering a few things."
While the OP thought she might have taken her revenge too far when her boyfriend continuously gave her the silent treatment after the fact, the subReddit thought his reactions at the girls' night were just the thing to help the OP wake up.
Not only was her boyfriend uncomfortable with basic, biological things, but he also wanted to be the center of attention and stay close by when she interacted with other people.
Fortunately, the OP listened to the subReddit and decided to take some time to reflect with one of her friends. She'll have a better chance of making the best decision for herself about her relationship while she isn't under her boyfriend's watchful eye or giving him the attention he craves.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.