In Catholic catechism, you're taught about "lies of omission." Catholic lessons for kids are full of instructions on the many ways to sin and feel guilty.
Ask me how I know...
Anyway, according to Catholicism, anything but full, immediate disclosure is a sin. But what if immediate delivery of a devastating truth serves no purpose?
Is it OK to wait?
A boyfriend dealing with that question turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ThrowRA_495848 asked:
"WIBTA if I hid my girlfriend’s pet snake’s death from her for a day?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (22, male) really need help here. My girlfriend (26, female) has a really rocky relationship with her family that’s she’s been desperate to repair."
"There have been some improvements, and she was invited to her brother’s birthday party over three days in another country. His birthday party is tomorrow, which technically is only a few hours from now since it’s so late at night for me in the moment, but I found out her old hognose snake is no longer alive."
"We knew he’d pass soon anyways, but it’s still heartbreaking. I cried for a while; I only stopped crying a little bit ago."
"Would it be wrong for me to not tell her? She’s had this snake since she was eight, so 18 years, and has broken down for hours at a time thinking of losing him."
"I’m afraid if she finds out tomorrow she might be inconsolable and wouldn’t be able to enjoy her brother’s birthday, and I don’t want this to affect her relationship with her family or make amends more difficult if she doesn’t attend his party or causes a scene there."
"I’m not planning on hiding his death forever or anything, just letting her know after the celebrations are fully done. I feel conflicted on it."
"If I’m wrong, please let me know. I don’t want to be a bad boyfriend here, but I don’t want to ruin her reunion with her brother."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"YWNBTA. Holding off for a day so she can enjoy her brother's event without spiraling is valid, especially since she is out of the country and cannot do anything about it right now anyway. Just tell her gently as soon as the celebrations are done." ~ sucrebloom
"When I was a teenager, my childhood dog died suddenly when I was on a school trip abroad. My first words to my parents when they picked me up was 'I can’t wait to see [dog]!’ and they immediately broke down telling me the news."
"The vet had actually been kind enough to let my parents keep her in their morgue(?) so we could drive straight there after they picked me up and I could say my goodbyes."
"I initially felt angry that they’d ‘kept’ it from me. But I wasn’t really angry at them, I was upset and angry at the world in general. Given a few days, I completely understood why they didn’t tell me until I was at home."
"There was nothing I could have done to change the situation, and it would have definitely been worse for me to find out by telephone / text, away from home and family support." ~ OrganOMegaly
"This. My sister-in-law let slip that my dog died while I was on vacation in Vietnam, and my husband had to call, wake me up, and tell me before I read her text, when he had originally been waiting to tell me until I got home."
"I would have much rather found out from him in person when I got home than have found out like that while I was on vacation. I also had to suck it up and act fine for the rest of the trip so my kids wouldn't find out while we were on vacation." ~ GrumpierTurtle
"I lost my old Arab mare this spring. She and I were together her entire life."
"My spouse and I went on a long-planned vacation at the end of winter, and I warned my family NOT to tell me if something happened to her while we were gone. We were literally on the opposite side of the planet and I did not want my vacation ruined for something I had no way to do anything about."
"Better to grieve at home." ~ TwoCentsWorth2021
"A similar thing happened to me while on an international vacation. Our family dog passed away quite suddenly halfway through my trip."
"This was around 2001 so cell phones weren't common. My parents debated calling the hotel to tell me, but instead chose to wait until I returned about a week later."
"I'm glad I found out in person and not while I was in a foreign hotel room." ~ canadian_maplesyrup
"YWNBTA, but be prepared that you'll probably be "the bad guy" in this situation, whatever you do. FWIW I think you're right to prioritise the living family relationships for the sake of 36 hours or whatever. ~ Mellifluous-Squirrel
"Yeah, this is a real 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation. Tell her now and ruin a crucial family milestone; tell her later and risk getting hurt. He kept it from her."
"OP just needs to go into it knowing he's calling on his sword for her long term well being." ~ goldenfield_core
"It does depend on the situation. Something very similar happened to a friend of mine. Her childhood dog died when she was away competing in a national competition."
"Her parents didn't tell her so she could focus on it and told her as soon as the results were in, and while she was devastated about her dog, she did get it and was glad they didn't tell her." ~ TheNightTerror1987
"NTA, as Yzma said 'well, he’s not getting any deader.' Jokes aside, I really am deeply sorry for your loss."
"If it were me, I’d be grateful to my partner for handling all the hard bits of taking care of the body, dismantling the setup, and just braking it to me smoothly when I got back from my trip. Best of luck." ~ Key-Product-99
"For some people, taking care of the body and dismantling the set up is an important part of saying goodbye. There's a lot of grief and pain to it, but every pet I've lost, I've done my best to be as involved in the after care as possible."
"It gives an element of closure, and the comfort of knowing I did everything my pet needed me too, even when it hurt. Just another perspective— I don't think it's wrong to postpone on telling until after the festivities."
"I would definitely discuss before dismantling anything though." ~ Aidisnotapotato
OP provided an update:
"I took into consideration what you people all said, and I decided I’d tell her when he had passed, and I’d tell her I kept it from her. I didn’t want to say my reasons for doing it because I didn’t want her to internalize any responsibility for this."
"I was afraid she’d take some responsibility mentally for like giving me a reason I felt I had to do it even though she shouldn’t, so I avoided it all together."
"So, I told her when I picked her up from the airport. I decided she should hear it in person, and while I was there. I explained he had passed already, and I had kept it from her. The ride home was completely silent, and when we got home, we put him in a box we had for this situation and buried him."
"The only thing she said to me was that she still loved me, but she didn’t like me right now. I told her I understood, and if this was too far and she didn’t want me around temporarily or permanently, I would understand."
"She nodded, and we didn’t do anything for a while until I made dinner and we both broke down at the table. Gus was a grumpy little dude, but I miss him, and it’s still hurting."
"I asked if I should sleep on the couch or something, and she just told me I’m a dead man if I sleep anywhere but in bed with her, so hopefully I can comfort her more. I don’t regret what I did, and if that means she hates me tomorrow morning and we’re done, I can live with that, as long as she got to connect with her family again."
"I’m not sure what else I can say, so thank you for all the advice. Sorry to any of you who have advice I didn’t take; thank you for spending time to help a stranger out either way. All love for you all, you’re sweet people. Stay helpful as ever."
Later OP added:
"Yes, we’re together; no, we’re not strained; no, we didn’t 'replace' Gus with a new snake. Yes, we’re sad; yes, we’re getting through it together."
OP was trying to do what was best in a bad situation. It will ultimately be up to his girlfriend if his choice is a forgivable offense.
