When we’re preparing for a special event, something that can make it even more special is feeling the support of our loved ones.
If they’re against what we’re doing, it can be disheartening, confided the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Any-Description-2013 decided to stand up for herself for her wedding day by selecting the same venue that her grandparents had been married in.
But when she was accused of taking the venue from her sister, who also wanted to use it, the Original Poster (OP) began to question if she was being petty.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for purposefully booking the same wedding venue as my sister (but earlier), so I could get married there first?”
The OP wasn’t close to her sister.
“I can admit that my viewpoint is pretty one-sided, but my actions have divided my family so I figured I could get some outside perspective.”
“My sister and I don’t get along. I can be honest and admit that she’s much prettier than me, and that’s something she’s never let me forget.”
“Both of my parents are pretty shallow and they’ve always given her the best and put her first (i.e. if we both had a school event at the same time, they’d both go to hers).”
“This has left me pretty bitter and distant from my family.”
When the OP announced she was getting married, her sister wasn’t far behind.
“My boyfriend of five years recently proposed, and I was super over-the-moon.”
“And straight out of a bad rom-com script, my sister got engaged right afterward.”
“It didn’t really faze me other than serving as a slight nuisance since my parents were more happy and involved with her engagement.”
“My mom’s been helping her plan, but couldn’t help me because my sister ‘needed more help’ and she couldn’t ‘devote me the time I deserved.'”
“Don’t feel bad for me though, because my MIL (Mother-in-Law) is a godsend and super sweet/genuinely treats me with so much love.”
But then the OP’s sister did the unthinkable.
“Anyways, what really pushed me over the edge was when my sister told me that she booked her wedding at my dream venue.”
“I know it sounds SO annoying and cheesy, but I really cared about this location. It was sentimental to me (my grandparents got married there), and I’ve talked about wanting to get married there as far back as high school when I was just daydreaming.”
“I swear to god my sister doesn’t give a f**k about my grandparents, but when I brought it up my parents, they told me to stop being so petty.”
“In a fit of actual pettiness, I ended up booking the same venue a month before my sister’s wedding. I checked with the venue and there’s no way my sister can move the wedding up (they’re booked up) and if she changes venues she’ll lose her deposit.”
The family called the OP out on the arrangement.
“My mother recently reached out to me and implored me to talk to my sister (I blocked her after the first call where she tried to ream me out).”
“Apparently, my sister’s really distraught, and my mom said the least I could do was try and work something out with my sister, especially over such a huge event.”
“I said no, but my mom said I was an AH for not even trying to hear her out and for being so stubborn and petty.”
The OP felt conflicted.
“I’m wondering if I’m being the AH for ignoring my sister, not really for booking the venue.”
“My sister flat out told my cousin that she couldn’t care less about the venue and booked it because it was convenient. But suddenly when I want to get married there too, it ‘means the world to her’? I think not.”
“My grandparents practically raised me since my parents were always missing out on my life events so it was g-ma and g-pa who came to support me. I was always going to get married there one way or another.”
“I know my mom is biased, but it got me thinking because I’ve been pretty staunch about ignoring her calls.”
“Some of my cousins have told me that she seems genuinely upset.”
“I’m not sure whether or not I was right or if I am being a giant AH by being so stubborn.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were sure the sister was the golden child.
“It sounds like to me that sis was unhappy with playing second fiddle for a while to OP’s wedding plans and decided to get engaged to cut that off right away as she knew she’d get top billing.”
“That and the whole booking the venue OP had always wanted to use stinks of nastiness. OP you should feel zero guilt for getting in first.” – scubaian
“OP isn’t saying no one else can use it. She just made sure she got to it first. She has spent her whole life playing second fiddle to her sister, so no doubt she didn’t want to be accused of copying her sister by getting married there later.”
“It’s the sister demanding she changes the venue. Besides she was engaged first, and it has been important to her to get married there since she was a child.” – BeagleMom2008
“It was the grandparents’ venue.”
“Is no other child, grandchild or great-grandchild, or great-great-grandchild, or etc. free to use it now because the sister has laid claim?” – vicki_chicki
“If it’s a nice venue with family significance, why couldn’t both of them use it?”
“NTA. But I think OP is letting her perspective that her sister is a golden child get to her. Don’t buy into any of these bridezilla games.”
“I recommend naive and kind enthusiasm toward sister and drag queen levels of shade toward mom:”
“OP has always wanted that venue and booked it per her plan since she was little. Her attitude and message should be that she understands why her sister would love it, since she always has, and isn’t it cool how they are both carrying on the family tradition in a fun and unifying way that will bring them together as they each start this new chapter in their lives.”
“If only mom could find the time to help them both equally, but it’s okay because OP is blessed with a mother-in-law to be who truly loves her as a daughter and has stepped up to fill that role out of love for OP.”
“And to be clear: there’s nothing to work out. You’re using that venue. Your sister is using that venue. You both have your dates picked out and reserved so they do not conflict. See, it’s already worked out.”
“But since your wedding is first, you’re in an ideal place to identify any issues with the venue and give her a heads up so she can avoid them because that is just the kind of supportive sister you are.” – Curious-One4595
Others said the OP deserved to have this moment.
“Jesus, if OP is even considering this, she should just not invite her family to her wedding. F**k the whole ‘but they’re family’ mentality.”
“These people, as OP describes, are nothing but toxic. Screw the optics. Weddings are expensive, OP deserves to enjoy her wedding day and remember it fondly.”
“Why would you pay thousands of dollars to have people present if you’re worried they’ll deliberately sabotage the event??” – kidenraikou
“NTA. I see how you would be wrong to book the venue once you knew she had. But she booked ‘your’ venue first.”
“She knew you wanted to get married there. So why would she book it in the first place? She seems very self-involved and your parents are encouraging her.”
“If I was you, I would just cut my losses. Don’t engage with your sister anymore. I would just say the truth when people ask or yell at you. That you had dreamed of that venue for your whole life and she decided to book it.”
“Why would you give up your dream for someone? Let alone someone you don’t even like.”
“Go be happy with your husband and his family. Toxic is toxic and NOT YOUR PROBLEM.”
“Also, I know this is gonna be an unpopular opinion, I just think everyone should do what they always dreamed of, in spite of someone you literally have no relationship but blood with anyways.” – Princess_Pygmy_Puff
“I would go with NTA. You got engaged first, you had been talking about getting married there, so she knew you wanted to, and try to call it first. You are trying to salvage your dream wedding the best you can.”
“If you want your extended family to come and support you, I’m not sure if this is going to end up being a good thing. Others will see if differently. Some may feel forced to take sides. Your sister and parents are going to be causing all sorts of drama over it.”
“Is it fair to your husband to center HIS wedding around all of that? If I was the groom, I would want our wedding to be about US as a couple, and not have all that background drama. The wedding is not about your sister or your parent’s favoritism of her. Don’t lose sight of that.” – Snoo_41753
“OP, go on the offensive. You are going to start your own PR campaign on social media. Tonight, find photos of your grandparents getting married there. Over the next week, you start with:”
“I am SO excited – on (name your date) the love of my life and I are getting married at X location. As friends and family know, I’ve dreamed of getting married there since I was little. My sister and parents have had to hear me wax rhapsodically about the location since I first saw photos of my grandparents’ wedding as a small child. I even visited it a number of years ago.”
“So, when fiancé asked me to marry him on x date, OF COURSE, this was the first place I called. I feel so blessed to be following in the footsteps of my amazing grandparents, who have loved me and supported me my entire life. (Then post a photo of your grandparents at the venue).”
“Get save the date cards out ASAP to family and friends on your side of the family.”
“But get YOUR story out on social media asap. It will be much harder for your sister and parents to spin this as petty when you have your story out there.”
“Most importantly, go live your best life and don’t worry about the haters. And lick down the venue and all vendors.” – Avoidingthecrap
Some also encouraged the OP to password-protect everything.
“OP, make sure the venue and your caterer, photographer, DJ, florist, and everyone you hire has a code word in place to confirm you and your fiance’s identity in case your sister or mom decides to pretend to be you and calls up and cancels the venue or something else on you. Make it something they would NEVER guess in a thousand years.”
“My former coworker had to do this with her wedding cause her fiancé’s stepsister tried to stop their wedding and actually managed to cancel the first order for the wedding dress.”
“Luckily, the shop called my coworker to ask if she wanted another appointment to look at dresses so she was able to straighten everything out and got the dress.” – ScarlettSparrow
“My stylist’s daughter got married in February and the groom’s mother called to cancel all of the dresses, Bridal, bridesmaids, MOB (Mother of the Bride), and flower girls.”
“Thank goodness for small towns because they called her to confirm since she had paid. I gave her that same advice the next day when I saw her.”
“Lo and behold later that week, MoG (Mother of the Groom) tried to cancel the cake and caterer too. Passwords saved the wedding. MoG refused to attend.”
“OP is NTA.” – DanyeIN
“I trained as an event planner years ago and I’ve seen so many family members do this. Password everything.”
“Also if you have an event planner/coordinator, make sure they are aware of the situation so they can run interference on the day.”
“I know one MIL who actually ran off with the wedding cake and hid it in the disabled loo (restroom).” – so_yeah87
“What does it say about our society that having secret code words to protect your wedding from being canceled by your loved ones behind your back is such a common thing?”
“Wedding culture certainly carries its own unique brand of drama.” – waitingfordeathhbu
The subReddit could understand why the venue was important to the OP, so important that she felt the need to use the venue first. But since she was often in the shadow of her sister’s life, it was also clear what an opportunity this was for her to shine.