Despite what so many companies like to say, coworkers are not (usually) a family.
There are plenty of coworkers that form friendly, even familial bonds but just because you work with or next to someone does not mean they are your bosom compatriot.
So, what do you do when a coworker not only assumes things about their relationship with you but also about your relationship with others?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Moxxies_Thigh_Tattoo when they came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
She asked:
"AITA for not telling my coworkers that I'm polyamorous and laughing at them?"
OP got the background out of the way quickly.
"I (32 Female) am in a poly relationship with Ruby, my GF of 11 years and Louie, my BF of 10 years."
"The three of us all date each other and are 'closed off' to dating anyone outside of our current relationship."
"I never mentioned this to my coworkers because I never cared to, I don't tend to talk about my life while at work."
Before explaining the specifics of the problem.
"A few weeks ago my coworker Ken, who was aware I had a boyfriend, saw me making out with Ruby at a bar and took some pictures."
"He, apparently, started telling everyone that I was cheating on Louie and showed the pictures of Ruby and I."
"I had noticed that some people were giving me the cold shoulder but I just figured it was something to do with my recent promotion."
"A few days ago I was talking to my friend in the break room about her ex and mentioned how much I hate cheaters, which prompted Ken and a few of my other coworkers to start 'calling me out' and tell me that I was a hypocrite."
"When I said that I never cheated Ken 'confronted' me with the pictures of Ruby and I at the bar and a picture of Louie and I on a date from last week."
"Ken kept asking 'So who are you dating?!' while shoving his phone in my face, so I just brushed his arm aside and told him, 'both of them'."
"That only seemed to see him and others off worse and he started nagging me again and I started laughing."
"I wasn't trying to be rude I just actually found it funny how upset everyone was getting over my relationship that they had no idea about."
"He stopped talking after laughed and I took that time to explain my relationship and showed pictures of all three of us including ones of Ruby and Louie kissing and I joked about him taking pictures 'like a stalker'."
"Now a bunch of my coworkers are pissed that I 'hid' my polyamory from them and are now saying that it's 'my fault' that they now look like jerks for talking bad about me behind my back."
OP was left to wonder.
"AITA for not telling my coworkers that I'm poly and subsequently laughing in their faces?"
She did edit for clarity.
"Just to clear up some things."
"1) Ken does not know either of my partners, he only knew about Louie and had no reasonable way of knowing if I was still with him at the time."
"2) I was unaware of any of the pictures being taken until Ken showed me them."
"3) Ken was definitely stalking me and I've been in contact with the police so thank you to my coworkers who reached out with some info about that."
Having laid out the issue and made the situation as clear as she could, OP turned to Reddit for some outside opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some encouraged OP to consider other work environments.
"Holy sh*t, 10000% NTA and this workplace sounds toxic af."
"Your personal life is none of their business."
"You owe them nothing. If they want to pry, snoop, jump to conclusions, and spread rumors, it's not your job to disabuse them of their unfair conclusions."
"It's their job to not draw those sh*tty conclusions in the first place."
"It's a job-seeker's market right now. Get out of this workplace if you can." ~ Most_Poet
Others were very direct about their feelings toward OP's coworker.
"Get him fired. That's harassment" ~ Material_Positive_76
And,
"Definitely report Ken to the HR Department for sexual harassment and workplace bullying. (Retired EEO Manager)." ~ Gomaith23
Commenters were quick to point out Ken's creepy behavior.
"So NTA -"
"I just can't imagine a situation in which I see a coworker (that I'm not even close enough to know much about their private life) kissing somebody who isn't their partner and me doing anything other than going 'hmm' and maybe telling their partner if I know them."
"If we're not close enough for me to actually know somebody is poly, why would I care about this, furthermore it's so none of my business?"
"If they want colleagues to feel comfortable enough to share their lives, maybe they shouldn't gossip about them behind their backs?" ~ haleorshine
Some went back to the importance of privacy.
"Exactly."
"The actions of Ken and the other coworker's was highly inappropriate."
"There is so much wrong here - harassment, gossip, invasion of OP's privacy, sharing details about someone's personal life at work, and then blaming OP when their unprofessional behaviour came to light....."
"Ken was the ringleader but this is a trash workplace."
"I have seen so many stories on reddit that imply that people have the right and duty to confront cheaters and put them on blast regardless of the person's relationship with the cheater/person being cheated on."
"But, the reality is that if you don't know the person well or they are a coworker, their personal life is none of your business."
"If you don't know the relationship dynamics, stay out of it. And, it is certainly not your place to tell others." ~ Electrical-Date-3951
OP did return later with a final update that put a darker tone on the events.
"I just got home so here's an update of what's happened so far."
"Yesterday a few of my coworkers saw my post and decided to let me know he had been showing them more pictures than the ones I saw."
"A coworker in IT who was working last night read it and looked in his company computer for any possible pictures and.... there were a lot."
"When I talked to HR this morning they were aware of both issues as IT had alerted them when they found the pictures and sent them a link to my post."
"And my friend who works here had also told HR the day it happened even though I had told her originally not to worry about it but they couldn't do anything until I made a report, the pictures obviously changed that."
"Ken was definitely stalking me."
"He was immediately fired and we ended up having to get police involved because it was determined that I was in immediate danger."
"I do have a temporary restraining order before the court date but he is currently with the police."
"HR had me go home early today and honestly I'm exhausted. A lot more stuff is happening right now but some of it I can't talk about right now and others I don't really want to."
"Sorry this is kind of disjointed I didn't sleep much last night and my heads kind of spinning from everything."
"When I originally posted this I didn't really take this situation seriously, I just figured it was a coworker just wanting some drama to spread and I just happened to be the prime candidate."
"Ken had always been a bit of a creepy 'nice guy' but never thought much of it and when I laughed and called him a stalker I never would have expected that to be true."
"Louie and Ruby were able to take some time off and are spending the day with me at home cuddling and watching movies so if anyone has any good movies recommendations please let me know!"
"I'm exhausted and ready for all of this to be over."
"Thank you all so much for everything, you all made me open my eyes to the real situation when I was laughing it all off as weird coworkers."
"I'll update if anything else happens and I'll update once we go to court, as long as I'm allowed."
"Also Ruby and Louie told me to tell you all thanks from them too, they're reading over my shoulders as I type."
"I forgot to add that my coworker in IT did let me know about the pictures last night after he found them."
This article began as a simple question of a coworker being kind of a jerk.
After OP"s updates I feel compelled to remind you that "being kind of a jerk" can actually be someone trying to push your boundaries.
Be cautious of anyone who puts effort into making you feel small, or weak, or less-than.
We do not tolerate bullies.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.