When we try to shop for gifts for another person, sometimes it can feel impossible to decide. So how do you normally figure out what to get someone for their birthday?
If you're Redditor SidIc3, you just ask your girlfriend what she wants. However, the original poster (OP) didn't like the suggestion given and decided she should pick something else.
Now OP's girlfriend is upset and OP isn't sure what he did wrong. To find out, he decided to ask the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subreddit about his situation.
OP asked the Reddit board about what happened:
"AITA for not buying my GF the gift she asked for b-day?"
He gave a little bit more context to what happened:
"This is throwaway account."
"I (30M[ale]) have girlfriend (28F[emale]) of 6 years. It's always a problem to get her something for b-day so I asked her what she wants."
"At first she said she does not know and that some nice dinner would do. But yesterday she came home from work and told me she saw very nice set of japanese knives she would like but it's a bit expensive gift."
"The knives were 254$ which I think is nonsense to pay for knives since she is not professional cook, she cooks as a hobby. I told her I think it's unreasonable and that I won't buy it for her."
"She said ok, but was quiet the whole evening. When I asked her what happened she told me I shouldn't ask her what she wants if I don't want to take it in consideration."
"I think it's a bit childish, she gave me one suggestion and I said no. It shouldn't be such a big deal."
"Also money is not the problem we have both nice salaries and are childfree with reasonable monthly expenses. We don't have any limit for the price of the gifts."
"For my last b-day she got me summer trip to Turkey (paid by some benefits from her job)."
"So am I the a**hole?"
OP seems insistent that the knives would be a waste, and his girlfriend should pick something else. He even said that she can pick most anything, as money isn't an issue.
But then, shouldn't he have just gotten her the knives?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The board focused on the contrast between OP's girlfriend taking him on a trip to Turkey and his refusal to get the knives she wanted.
On top of the fact OP asked his girlfriend what she wanted and then shot it down, she got him a very big and thoughtful gift. How difficult would it be to indulge her in her hobby and get some decent knives?
The board voted that OP was absolutely wrong for what he did.
"YTA. She got you a TRIP TO TURKEY and you can't cough up $250 for a nice set of knives?"
"Boy, you had better get those knives delivered TODAY if you ever want to enjoy the results of your girlfriend's cooking hobby again. You don't need to be a professional to enjoy nice knives ffs." - Temporary_Badger
"YTA. Normally I'd say 'NAH', but the fact that you stated that 'money is not the problem' changes everything."
"The only reason why you don't even want to give her those knives is because you think it's 'nonsense' because she is not a professional."
"You asked her what she wanted for her birthday since it's 'always a problem' and she answered it and you just... immediately denied her request without even considering it."
"Just buy her the damn knives already." - Yourslongisntaverage
"YTA big time"
"You asked, she answered - you don't get to decide if it's 'legitimate'. It's her hobby! If she was into bird watching would you scoff at buying decent binoculars?"
"As it happens, $250 is a really good price for a nice hobbyist set. Not a great set, just a decent set. You know nothing about cooking knives, clearly, based on the fact you think that's expensive for knives."
"Also? Having good knives makes a huge difference in the kitchen. It's a genuine pleasure to work with quality knives - something I'm sure she knows."
"You messed up not only by belittling her choice, but also by ignoring her after she finally answered. Guess what - she's never gonna tell you what she wants again because she won't want to be disappointed by you." - EwokCafe
"YTA. To begin with, why even ask if you didn't care about the answer?"
"Second, it feels like you didn't really say no in a very nice way."
"Third, she got you a friggin trip to Turkey! And you can't even give her something she asks for because YOU have decided that it's nonsense."
"D*ck move bro, buy her the knives and support her hobby. I mean, I'm pretty sure you also benefit from it." - johemer
"YTA. You can afford the gift, you just don't want to give it to her because she 'cooks as a hobby' and you think it's 'nonsense.'"
"She was absolutely right, there was no point asking her what she wanted if you weren't going to consider it."
"Some good knives would actually be a great investment, especially since you probably benefit from her cooking." - WebbieVanderquack
After some comments agreed that OP was YTA, OP responded, updating on the situation:
"Edit: everybody is very fixated on the trip to Turkey.. Yes it was awesome gift."
"I just wanted to say I finally got her weekend getaway to Italy (We live in Europe) she will definitely love because she is in love with Italian food and culture in general."
"I ordered the knives directly from Japan delivered for her in black design that will fit with our kitchen we made few months ago. And I will give it to her when we get back from Italy, I am not willing to risk my luck and carry it with me."
However, the comments didn't stop. Some people were wondering if OP's girlfriend is really that difficult to shop for.
Maybe he's just really bad at thinking of others.
"I wonder if she's 'so hard to shop for' because he always disregards what she wants" - LeatherHog
"My brother told me once that my mother had asked him for advice on stuff to buy me for Christmas or a birthday or something because I'm 'so hard to shop for'."
"He, surprised, rattled off a large number of things I like and which are easily obtained: cookbooks, kitchen things, theatre tickets, bath stuff, liquor, comics, board games, chocolate...the list goes on. She brushed off all suggestions as 'not being things Egg really needs'."
"My brother was baffled by this until I clued him in: my mother doesn't want suggestions, she wants a way to make me like the things she thinks I *should* want. Mostly it's the kind of clothes she thinks I should wear." - MiddleEgg4848
"YTA"
"1. For not listening to her when she answered the question you asked"
"2. For assuming her hobby isn't important enough to buy a gift for"
"3. For declining to reciprocate her amazing extremely generous gift"
"And FINALLY YTA for continuing to ignore her request, not getting her the gift she requested even after being told YTA AND then buying her something else entirely while saying you'll 'know' she'll love it."
"If you insist on ignoring what she says, stop asking her questions like you care about her response." - Woooahnellie
And some comments couldn't help but make a few jokes.
"OMG! DON'T GIVE AN ANGRY WOMAN KNIVES!!!! /S" - Maddie215
"This is probably the one scenario in which you should GIVE THE ANGRY WOMAN KNIVES IMMEDIATELY." - Temporary_Badger
"YTA. Are you a professional traveler or tour guide, is that why she bought you a trip to Turkey?"
"You wrote off what she wanted because you were condescending in saying what she enjoys is a childish hobby. I could understand if money was the issue, because $245 isn't exactly pocket change."
"But you've clarified that you're not on a tight budget- you just don't care about what you're partner is interested in." - theoddstends
"Let me explain... A gift (no matter what your opinion of it) is for the reciever."
"She could want a rock painted with a sunflower that cost 350, stupid we know but if that is what she wants then you go buy her that rock." - ArtichokeOk1669
OP came back with some more updates, though not all happy.
"Edit 2: I get it I messed up... but life threatening messages and messages about how I should commit suicide are really unwelcome and I will ignore them"
"Edit 3: link for the knives according to some redditors its a scam. --> This is getting really complicated (to pick the correct knives)"
Lastly, he provided another update to the first 'Edit' and what he's going to do about the knives.
"I finally canceled the order and I am gonna take her to store With japanese knives I found I my country."
It only took the entire internet yelling at him, but he finally got the point across. If you don't know what to get someone for their birthday, ask them, and listen when they tell you.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.