Navigating workplace relationships is difficult enough under normal circumstances. But when your boss starts hitting on you, things can get real weird, real fast.
A Redditor found himself in this situation when his boss put the moves on him during a business trip. Unsure about how he handled it, he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for some perspective and input.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by snackmaster2000 on the site, asked:
"AITA for going to HR?"
He explained:
"my boss (46F[emale]) asked me (36m[ale]) to join her for a meeting In a city three hours away. I had done one of these trips with her before, however it was on my schedule week prior."
"In this case I was given less than one days notice and was a little annoyed since I had not planned on this, and I'd be missing a day of work. However since she's my boss, I didn't really look at it as an option and I joined her on the trip."
"As we were chatting on the drive down, she mentioned that she will have to manage a different team at some point because she has a conflict of interest with our team. I wasn't sure what it meant but I didn't ask and we moved on."
"The meeting went fine, however on the drive home she said 'remember when I said I had a conflict of interest in managing this team? I'm not sure if it's just the lock down making me crazy, but since we've been working together I've started to feel a really strong connection towards you and very strong attraction, And I wonder if you are feeling it too or if it's just me?'"
"I nervously laughed and told her that's flattering but I have a girlfriend (she's also married) and she then told me 'thanks for giving me the answers I needed'. We sat in extremely awkward silence for a while, and she said y'ou know what, forget I said anything, erase it from your memory'."
"I told her 'I'm not gonna lie, this is very uncomfortable, and we still have to sit in this car for an hour' She said she could cancel our one on one meetings moving forward if that would make me more comfortable, and asked me what we should do. I told her 'do what you need to do, but I'm not a part of this conversation.'"
"She ask me again please not to tell anyone we work with, and said if I decide to go to HR to let her know so she can be ready. I said I didn't want to do that because I don't want drama at work. We sat in very awkward silence for an hour, until we finally got back to her place and I got my car and drove home."
"I wasn't sure how to move forward, how I was going to face her the following week and pretend nothing happened? I got lots of advice over the weekend, consensus was go to HR on Monday. Monday morning, before I even spoke to HR, she sent a message to our team saying 'something came up, and I will need to take a week off to adres personal matters'."
"She's never done this, I assumed it was about me. At that point I went to HR and told everything that happened."
"My boss was placed on leave for 3 weeks while I was transitioned to a new team."
"Am I the a**hole here? I feel like I turned in a friend because we had a really great working relationship prior to this."
"EDIT: when she was contacted by HR she denied everything I told them."
Other Redditors were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And as you'd probably guess, virtually no one was on the side of OP's boss.
"NTA - your boss has zero right to hit on you, and she will be 100% clear on that point now that she's on another team. You did exactly the right thing." --inzillah
"She also hit on OP in a situation with zero exits, in which she was in full control (literally behind the wheel). Another person might have felt compelled to 'agree' to a relationship out of fear for their safety and then "changed their mind" later, which then sets them up to be accused of 'sending mixed signals'." --saucynoodlelover
"NTA. She took you out, alone, in a car hours away from where you live. Then, in the confines of said car, she confesses her feelings for you. While you're relying on her for a ride home. Where you're basically at her mercy. Like idk why she would think that it was an okay time to do that." --jumpyropes
"NTA"
"What she did and said was inappropriate, and you did the right thing to go to HR. Everyone knows if you swap the sexes here, a male boss telling a younger female subordinate that he finds her attractive and a strong connection is definitely committing sexual harassment, especially in a confined environment like a car. There shouldn't be double standards where it's OK for a woman to do it but not for a man - it's wrong either way."
"Your working relationship prior to it is irrelevant because as you said, this encounter was awkward and uncomfortable and you never know if your relationship will truly go back to normal. You shouldn't have to worry about that every time you go to work, have a performance review, or hope for a promotion." --Weaverfan420
"NTA."
"That's called sexual harassment, and should be reported. She didn't come out and say "sleep with me or else you're fired," but it could so easily have been interpreted that way. It put you in a very vulnerable position." --Osolemia
Hopefully OP has a better experience with his next boss.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.