We've all struggled with setting and maintaining boundaries at some point.
And sometimes the results of boundaries that get crossed are pretty strange.
One woman on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit recently received a surprise because of overstepped boundaries.
Redditor CSPhCT immediately put the boundary back in place, however.
But because of the backlash she received, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was too harsh.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for kicking my roommate's girlfriend's kid out of my bed?"
The OP came home to a surprise in her bedroom.
"I came home from work tonight to find my roommate's girlfriend's kid in my bed."
"I don't care that he has guests over, but my one rule is to respect my stuff and my space."
"There was another bed free in the kid's room so I told her to go sleep in that one and give mine back."
The OP's roommate didn't appreciate how she reacted.
"My roommate is p**sed, saying I should've slept in the kid's bed myself (lol (laughing out loud)) and left a child to sleep."
"I told him he knew I was going to be back tonight and where my bed was, he shouldn't be putting his guests up in my space."
"So, AITA?"
The OP also added a few clarifying details.
"The kid didn't sneak into the wrong room or anything, they put her there on purpose."
"My roommate's girlfriend's kid is 5."
"My roommate and I share a kid (no romantic strings for over a decade, this is absolutely not the issue, I've never had issues with him bringing his girls around here until it's started putting me out of my own space), and our son is 10."
"There's a kids room with 3 beds, 2 free. My roommate's room is downstairs, and my and the kids' room are upstairs across the house right next to each other, so it wasn't so they could get privacy to bang."
"I wasn't rude or mean to the kids, just said, 'Hey, go sleep in the kids' room, I don't think your mom knew it was my bed (she did).'"
"This living arrangement is temporary and trust me, I'm trying to move out ASAP, but this market is not forgiving though."
"The fact that I was yelled at for wanting my own bed is purely what brought me to this subReddit, because my roommate has zero awareness of when he's possibly in the wrong, so petty me would like to show him how 500 strangers disagree."
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned the roommate's manners and suggested the OP move out.
"I'd find a new roommate also, the entitled attitude says it all, really." - sehns
"It sounds like a blatant disregard for your privacy from an entitled a**."
"Is this the first time something like this has happened? Do you think they're possibly trying to make what seems to be a really uncomfortable living arrangement even more uncomfortable on purpose to get you to move more quickly?"
"I've actually had that happen with a roommate before. Nothing happened between us, she just had zero ability to be direct with me and ended up being a total a** to urge me to move."
"Either way, you're so NTA. I would personally be beyond livid that someone was not only allowed to invade my one modicum of privacy in my own home, but was clearly encouraged to do so by an adult who d**n well knows better." - logicisperplexing
"They need to keep themselves AND that kid out of your room. They had no business going in there. Its YOUR room. Period. Your bed, your stuff, your privacy. Such nerve. NTA" - falconstears
Others suggested at least getting a lock for the bedroom door and establishing new boundaries.
"NTA. I'd get a lock for my door that only I have the key for, for in the future. That's rude AF (as f**k)." - AmethysstFire
"NTA."
"Secure your room until you have roommates with better manners." - Here_for_tea_
"NTA and I second that, get a lock." - Edenwxp
"I bet it was [the girlfriend's] idea, and he's defending the decision because having you in the house is causing problems with her."
"I would just reeaally stress that he's teaching your son to mistreat women and mistreat partners, and you need that to stop."
"And definitely change that door lock, especially since he's got a psycho GF (girlfriend) who thinks her kid belongs in your personal space." - Andromeda081
"It's like having your roommate's girlfriend putting her dog to sleep in your bedroom in your bed and they f**king expect you to take the dog bed. LIKE F**K NO. She knew exactly what she was doing."
"It's a f**king power move for sure, like let's imagine my imaginary life coming true by just erasing X and pretending we live here as a family. Why doesn't she play house with a man without roommates who are paying rent?" - Powerful_Mixtape
Some questioned why the roommate and girlfriend thought this was a good idea to begin with.
"NTA, but why would they ever think it's ok to put their kid to sleep in your bed? That's weird." - Knitty_Cat
"Exactly! Why was your bed so special? I can't imagine why the OP is even questioning his position!" - QCr8onQ
"Is there another kid that sleeps in the 'kids room'? Because I can't imagine any other reason for them to give the kid your bed. WTF" - Step_me
"NTA!"
"My ONLY guess would be that another kid was playing/studying/reading/whatever in the kids' bedroom, so it was bright and not quiet. So they put the 5-year-old in your bed instead."
"BUT - that's me reaching for an explanation that makes sense? Since it makes NO sense at all to put the kid in the bed of someone not related to the kid at all, when there is a kids' bedroom with a free bed available."
"Even then, it would only be kind of reasonable to do that until you got home, then pick up the sleeping kid and transfer them to their proper bed."
"(WTF saying YOU should sleep in the kids' room and not disturb the sleeping child???? They're a sleeping child! You can often pick them up, put them in a car, get home, and take them out of a car and into the house to their bed, and they won't wake up at all; and if they do, they go right back to sleep instantly!)"
"Again, BUT - it would only be ACTUALLY reasonable if this was something they had asked you if they could do, beforehand. 'You know the older kid likes to still play in their room, can we put the 5 year old down on your bed temporarily, until we can transfer them?'"
"Doing it without asking you? MAJOR boundary violation." - eregyrn
The subReddit was very confused and concerned about this particular situation, and recommendations came pouring in for the OP to either move out or to add a lock to her door to create a physical boundary. It's unclear if this is an issue with the new girlfriend or if the roommate secretly wants the OP to move out, but either way, this was a serious boundary violation.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.