Nicknames come in two flavors.
Endearing nicknames are earned through time and are typically related to a special event or a quirk of your personality.
Then there are the other type: pejorative names that are used intentionally to harm someone.
The trick, of course, is that some nicknames can have either connotation.
I walk with a cane often and was once known as "Doctor House" at a previous job, but the same nickname was used to mock my limp.
So, what happens when someone uses a nickname and you aren't as comfortable with it as they may have hoped?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) NotJezzFRabbit when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for reporting my boss, over a nickname?"
OP began with a little history.
"I'm 31yo, female, and recently started a new job."
"(Well, a few months ago). It's a 5 guys office, plus the boss."
"The boss is one of those guys who think has a natural charm that ladies would instantly fall for, but he looks like a thumb, and has a lot of dumb confidence for making inappropriate comments."
"Even when talking to me about work issues."
"I keep him at arms length, and I'm very professional with my workmates."
She then got to the situation at hand.
"Some days ago I was chasing after some workmate, because was procrastinating sending me a document."
"I went to him to make him send it, and he said 'Ok"' Took his phone, opened the messages' app, and sent me the file, but looking at it, I noticed that he saved my number as 'Jessica Rabbit"'.
"I asked him about it, confused, and looked at me, shocked, eyes wide opened."
"Just said 'Im sorry'. I didn't let him go, and interrogating him until he confessed that the boss always calls me 'Jessica Rabbit"'.
OP felt it necessary to add a disclaimer here.
"To be clear, I'm naturally a redhead, got it from mom, and dye my hair red when it gets darker, but I dont look like 'Jessica Rabbit' I'm flat as a table, yes, I had trust issues about it, and worked very hard to like my body."
"I despise the thought of being compared to a hyper-sexualized cartoon character."
"I talked to my boss when he came into the office, and asked about the nickname."
"He just said 'Because you both are sexy redheads', I told him to stop it, because I don't feel safe, he just said 'why are you so angry? It's a compliment' I said it's not and stormed out."
"I went to HR to do a formal complaint, the HR lady said that she'll process the complaint, but that it was worthless, because 'Boss is just like that'. I told her that I dont like my boss' attitude, and need a warrant to stop."
"Since then, my boss stopped talking to me, and my workmates say that I'm way too dramatic, and don't know how to take a compliment."
"They also complained that don't feel safe around me, because they don't know if I will twist their words somehow."
OP was left to wonder,
"Am I TA here?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some found Boss's response troubling.
"'why are you so angry? Its a compliment"'
"NTA. This makes me nauseous." ~ Aggravating_Start411
“'It’s a compliment.'"
'It’s just a joke.”'
"The same excuses sh*tty people have used to excuse their sh*tty behavior for millennia" ~ blackbirdbluebird17
"This mindset is disgusting. It’s not a compliment if it makes the other person feel bad or uncomfortable." ~ Substantial-Bee122
Others wondered about the legality of it all.
"NTA."
"F*ck those victim blamers and enablers."
"This is literally illegal." ~ MySuperLove
"In the US of A, this unfortunately is not illegal because it was not an ongoing or pervasive thing."
"Unfortunately nicknames behind your back that you are unaware of isn't considered sexual harassment."
"However, them retaliating for her complaint is in and of itself not allowed."
"Now that she knows about it if they call her that again, in front of her it starts to add to the pattern and becomes closer and closer to officially being considered sexual harassment." ~ EnvironmentalFuckwit
"And then creating a hostile work environment after she complained."
"OP at the very least has cause to talk to an attorney and start documenting everything that transpires from now on." ~ Sklibba
"He's said this consistently to others, and they refer to her this way behind her back."
"This results in a loss of respect for her from her peers, which detrimentally affects her ability to work in this job."
"Sounds like it qualifies to me." ~ goodevilgenius
Several HR professionals had to put in their opinions.
"HR Manager here -"
"in total agreement with this comment."
"If an employee came to me with this complaint and explanation of how she tried to handle it professionally, I'd be all over that 'boss' like white on rice."
"The problem is probably that the boss is the owner, not someone answering to anyone else."
"If talking to him and insisting on sexual harassment training for the group didn't work, I'd have a very detailed file (which is discoverable, OP) on the situation and if the DOL came knocking, I'd have no choice but to turn it over to them."
"Wink wink nudge nudge, OP. Just sayin'...."
"You're NTA and may have an actionable complaint depending on your state/country."
"If you're in CA, HI, or NY, DM me and I'll give you some free guidance."
"ETA: THANK YOU all for the totally unexpected awards! It's the first time being an HR professional on Reddit has garnered praise for me instead of derision. LOL!" ~ geckotatgirl
"I'm also in HR."
"The number of comments here saying this isn't sexual harassment is insane."
"And just goes to show why sexual harassment is so hard to stamp out."
"Because how many male colleagues are sitting there thinking, 'I don't like when my boss talks about my female coworker that way, but it isn't sexual harassment so I guess I can't say anything."
"Guys, this situation is ABSOLUTELY sexual harassment."
"OP is in a situation where her very identity as a worker has been reduced to her gender, hair color, and perceived sex appeal."
"This isn't a casual nickname thrown out once and stopped when OP spoke up."
"It's so pervasive that her name is stored this way in a colleagues phone, used for work."
"With HR doing nothing about it except advising to suck it up, OP would not be wasting her money on an attorney." ~ EatAPotatoOrSeven
Some even pointed out that this is a standard problem for small businesses.
"A lot of times, especially at smaller companies, HR is pretty ineffective."
"Because someone gets hired with the main duties of hiring, payroll, benefits, etc --which are all HR-related duties --
"But they have no training in the other aspects of HR, when it comes to things like a company's legal obligations against harassment and discrimination, or handling complex personnel issues."
"But they're still expected to handle those functions anyway, so predictably they are totally useless because they don't know what they're doing."
"Absolutely NTA."
"HR is sh*tty and your boss is sh*ttier. 'He's just like that' is not an excuse, especially not when it comes to accepting sexual harassment."
"Until and unless there is someone above both you and your boss who has the good judgment and the authority to shut this down, I think you need to accept the fact that Your Boss Sucks And Isn't Going To Change."
"And then decide if this is something you're able to live with as a 'cost of doing business' to stay in this job. Or if you want to go somewhere else."
"(My two cents --- there's no harm in looking around to see what else is out there, even if the end result is you stay where you are!)" ~ sarita_sy07
OP did return for some final thoughts.
EDIT:
"I didnt expect that many comments."
"Thank you, but now is very hard to read them all, but I've been taking notes, and I'll try my best, even tho, I can afford to be jobless for a few months, so I'm not scared of quitting if it goes nowhere."
"To be clear, I did not snoop on the phone, I was standing, and my coworker has sitting in his chair, so I had a clear view of his phone, and then I saw that he saved my number as 'Jessica Rabbit'".
"Oh, and the guys who called me horrible names in my Dm's and wished for horrible things to happen to me, I hope you get help, or otherwise, you never work with or be in a relationship with any women."
"Since you seem to hate women so much."
Of course the issue isn't nearly as complicated as some might hope.
A nickname is wonderful when it makes someone feel good.
I felt respected and accepted when my co-workers called me "Doctor House" so this was an excellent nickname.
When it was used against me it was a terrible nickname.
The difference of course, as in so many things, is consent.
Remember to be open to feedback about the names you give people, and also remember that they can give - or take - consent at any time.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.