Relationships have evolved considerably over time.
And thankfully, the world we live in today is much more tolerant and understanding than it once was.
Even so, some people have a hard time grasping certain lifestyles.
Even coming from people who have faced adversity and discrimination.
Redditor poly-sendhelp had a hard time adjusting to his sister's current relationship, despite her saying it was "part of her sexuality."
As a result, the original poster (OP) set a boundary regarding her attendance at his son's upcoming birthday party.
A boundary that his sister did not appreciate, resulting in a tense exchange of words between them.
Fearing he may have overstepped, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for not allowing my sister's 'polycule' around my children?"
The OP explained why his sister was not happy with the stipulation that came with her invitation to her nephew's birthday party:
"I (33 M[ale]) have always been decently close with my sister (35 F[emale]), but over the past 5-ish years, we've grown apart significantly."
"The driving force of that has been the way she handles her newfound relationship preferences."
"She is polyamorous, and that's fine."
"I'm a gay man, I've been around plenty of unconventional relationship dynamics, what consenting adults do doesn't bother me, etc."
"The problem lies in the fact that she insists that polyamory is 'part of her sexuality'."
"We have had the discussion many times about how polyamory might be her preferred relationship structure, but it's not an integral, built-in part of her like sexuality is."
"She disagrees, and that makes me uncomfortable."
"My husband and I have two children."
"Our youngest is about to turn one, and we're planning a small birthday get-together."
"My sister is currently dating two men."
"My mom is attempting to be supportive and has been encouraging me to invite all three of them."
"I ended up inviting my sister alone."
"My sister told me that was ridiculous, that they've been together for a year and a half, and that her boyfriends should be included in family events."
"I told her when she decides which one she's marrying, an invitation to all future events will be extended to that boyfriend."
"I know that last comment might've been too far, but I'm just not particularly interested in involving my sister's threesome partners in my children's lives."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community.
Just about everyone found the OP's behavior somewhat insulting, and despite claiming otherwise, it's clear that he was "bothered" by his sister's polyamorous relationship, even if some still agreed with him that polyamory was not part of his sister's sexuality:
"I need more details: are her boyfriends a**holes or do you not know?"
"If you haven't met the boyfriends, then they don't belong at YOUR family events until YOU decide otherwise."
"The marriage comment was a d*ck thing to say."
"It implies she has to pick one."
"Bouncing off someone else's comment, as a gay man, you should know better than to gatekeep relationships."
"While Polyamory is definitely part of someone's identity, it's a lifestyle, not a sexuality."-Flaky_Process8495
"TBH, what you've said here reads to me basically as you not wanting them to be around your kids because of a 'perversion' that you don't want near your kids."
"Here's sort of my thought process on this."
"Having a small party with core family alone is fine, but it doesn't sound like this was your motivation."
"Setting boundaries in general isn't a problem; they are your kids."
"You have the right to be a jerk to others to protect your kids if need be."
"Restricting people who give you the creeps from your kids isn't a problem, but you didn't mention anything specific about their behavior."
"Questions to ask yourself:"
"Can we safely presume that your sister and her partners know how to act like grown folk at a child's birthday party?"
"Has your sister said or done anything weird about her sexuality to kids before?"
"Do her partners make you uncomfortable for any other reason than being part of a polycule?"
"If the answers are all no, making the sole reason they aren't invited because of their lifestyle, then YTA."
"Like, I'm presuming that these are normal people who wouldn't be there just licking each other or something in front of a bunch of toddlers."
"You can fully have objections to her discourse around polyam, but this is targeted exclusion of close family and you are TA here."
"I'm not saying you should change your mind or actions."
"You are allowed to be an a** to protect your kids, but you asked for feedback about your choice."-snakesarecool
"If it's been more than a year and they are living together, it goes beyond being a mere threesome."-tropicalelectronics
"'I told her when she decides which one she's marrying."
"Whoa, why would you need her to commit to marrying one after a year and a half?"
"That's weird."- shyfidelity
"YTA."
"I came here expecting to read that your polyamorous sister had some ridiculous demand that involved talking to your one-year-old about ethical non-monogamy or somehow making everything about her."
"Nope."
"She wants to bring two partners to a kids' birthday party, presumably requiring two extra chairs and two extra slices of cake."
"Possibly bringing two extra presents for the kid?"
"Speaking as somebody who finds the entire social institution of polyamory to be incredibly shady and tiresome, your sister was asking very little of you, and was right to point out that these two partners have both been around for ~18 months."
"It's not like she met them at some drum circle four weeks ago and wants to bring them around her nieces/nephews."
"These men have both been with her for long enough that monogamous couples probably WOULD be discussing marriage, if that were something they wanted."
"The way you framed your challenge delegitimized her relationship."
"And as somebody who, himself, has GRAVE doubts about the legitimacy of most polyamorous practices, that was hurtful and unnecessary."
"There is a conversation to have here about how to handle questions raised at impressionable ages."
"When your kids are aged 8-13 and start noticing their aunt has two partners, how ready is she for them to ask WTF the deal is?"
"What are your boundaries around candid discussion of sexual topics at young and impressionable ages?"
"For a one-year-old's birthday party, none of that is relevant yet."
"And your objections had nothing to do with your child, and everything to do with excluding your sister's family for not conforming to your own beliefs."- Alert-Artichoke-2743
"'She is polyamorous, and that's fine'."
"The entire rest of your post is you detailing how you behave in a way that demonstrates you do not think it's fine."
"You're a gay man."
"Imagine someone behaved this way to you & your partner."
"Would you think they thought your relationship was 'fine'?"
"Or would you think they were a bigoted a**?"
"YTA, and you know why."- abritinthebay
"YTA."
"I was with you until 'when she decides which one she's marrying'."
"Calling them 'her threesome partners' is reducing their romantic relationship to the sexual aspect, which is a sh*tty thing you KNOW has been done to gay people for many years."
"I'm not comparing overall discrimination or anything, of course, I'm just saying that you're being disrespectful and dismissive of your sister's meaningful relationships in a way that you should know better than to do."- teenagedemonbaby
A somewhat contrite OP later returned with an update, acknowledging some poor choices on his part, and what he intended to do:
"I appreciate your explanations."
"And I agree, I did let my judgments about the overall concept of polyamory cloud my thinking when making this decision."
"I'm going to apologize to my sister."
"I think this will just have to be a topic we steer clear of."
"I've been heavily involved with queer advocacy since I was in college, and I think I get a little too defensive sometimes."
"This current political climate has me jumpy and worried about the possible rolling back of my community's rights."
"That obviously doesn't make it right to take it out on someone else for their choices, though, so."
"Apologies are in order, like I said."
Not everyone is accustomed to polyamory, and it will take longer for some people to get used to it than others.
Even so, by his own admission, the OP didn't need to take quite as low a blow as he did.
Hopefully, he will be able to make amends with his sister and will start being a little more open-minded and accepting of her relationship.
