Couples adopt for a number of reasons, but in some cases it’s the result of infertility. After struggling to conceive, a couple may choose to adopt a child.
But sometimes, after the stress and pressure to conceive have lifted, the adoptive parents end up conceiving. Some even go on to have more than one successful pregnancy.
But what about the adopted child in these situations? One would hope nothing would change in their relationship with their adoptive parents.
A teen that was adopted by parents struggling was infertility turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after an incident with his father.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Coiiuid asked:
“AITAH for storming out of my dad’s wedding because he mentioned my brother and sister and his stepdaughters, but not me?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (16, male) am adopted. My siblings are my parents bio kids. They’re 13 and 11.”
“Seven years ago my parents divorced. It was never explained why, but I always noticed that dad was bitter toward mom while mom hid how she felt really well.”
“I did hear a fight between them once where she called him a POS who didn’t deserve his kids. At the time it didn’t make sense, but it makes more sense now.”
“My dad got remarried a month ago. His wife has two daughters (5 and 6) with her first husband who died.”
“When everyone was eating, dad got up and started to make this long speech about how happy he was with his wife and how blessed they were with their family. He called her an amazing mom and woman and all that fluffy stuff.”
“Then he thanked her daughters for being amazing and he told them he couldn’t wait to be their dad for real and how much he already loved them. Then he thanked his kids, but only named my brother and sister.”
“He didn’t say a single thing about me.”
“He gushed about my siblings, about his wife’s girls. Then he told everyone how the family, and named everyone except me, was starting fresh from that day forward.”
“How they were lucky to have such great kids. His speech wasn’t over before I stormed out of the wedding.”
“I called mom and told her I needed her to come and pick me up and not ask questions, because I just needed her. My brother followed me out and so did some of dad’s family.”
“My brother asked me if I was okay.”
“The rest of the family asked why I made a scene and when I pointed out the speech, they said it was an oversight and I was included every time he said kids, and so what if he left out my name, it wasn’t the end of the world.”
“I told them it was only my name he left out. My brother tried to say something to dad’s family, but they told him to go back inside and celebrate and not to make more of a scene at the wedding.”
“They tried to make me go back in, too, but I told them I was going home with mom.”
“When I told mom what happened, I got so upset. She did her best to calm me down and distract me.”
“It was a few days later when she talked to me about what happened more. I told her missing my name once in that speech was maybe understandable, but he wrote a long a** book and still didn’t mention my name even once.”
“I told him he couldn’t have made it clearer that I’m not his real kid. She told me she was so sorry.”
“I mentioned what I heard before and she told me the biggest reason they divorced is he wanted to give me up because they had their own kids.”
“But he fought for me in the divorce with my siblings, so she hoped he’d grow to love me eventually. I said he probably didn’t want to pay child support.”
“I heard nothing from dad since. His family have tried to yell at me for making a scene at the wedding, but mom shut them down.”
“My siblings still go to his house, but he doesn’t ask about me or seem to care that I don’t go with them. And even with that, his family still wants to say I’m the a**hole.”
“Which pisses me off, but makes me doubt myself.”
“AITA?”
The OP later added:
“I used to see people talk about being adopted and they were regretted once their adoptive parents had ‘their own’ kids and I never thought it would be me. But it was and I had no idea for so many years.”
“Mum loves me just as much as my siblings and I know she’d never treat me this way. That’s really helpful right now.”
“I think I was just the consolation prize until he had his real kids. Because wanting to give me up and then this says he never really cared or loved me.”
“I haven’t talked to his wife. But we weren’t close before. My siblings aren’t close to her either. She was more focused on her girls than us.”
“My brother’s so mad at dad. He was upset at first, because he saw what it did to me.”
“But now he’s mad. He tried to get dad to talk to me and apologize, but he wouldn’t and I felt bad that my little brother tried that for me. He shouldn’t have to.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP had not done anything wrong (NTA).
“NTA. You did the right thing to leave where you were being abused. Your dad is a real POS. You deserve a parent who shows you kindness and love. I hope his wife leaves him after seeing his disgusting behavior.”
“Anyone getting mad at you is just afraid to look at how sh*tty he really is. I’m glad you can stay with your mom. I hope your siblings wise up and refuse to go see him. Sending an internet hug.” ~ wishingforarainyday
“When little brother is old enough, he may go No Contact (NC) with his dad. But even if not, you two can have your own relationship without the a**hole’s interference.” ~ SeaworthinessKey3654
“True, your little brother shouldn’t have to do that. But see it as your bro loves you and is loyal to you.”
“Stay close to him and continue to nurture your relationship with him. He understands that blood doesn’t make you two brothers; love does. See the treasure you have in him and, hopefully, your other sibling.”
“In fact, nurture your relationship with both of them. Let that comfort your heart as you deal with the pain your father has caused.” ~ ABCBDMomma
“Maybe you think your brother didn’t have to, but he IS your brother so to him, he did have to. Accept his love and loyalty without guilt, you don’t have to earn it.”
“Your sister is still so young and is probably scared and confused, so if you don’t see similar behavior from her right away don’t take it personally. Just keep showing up as her big brother like you always have and she’ll figure it out eventually.” ~ OverallInitiative406
“I doubt your brother will forget this. Same with your father’s disgusting family telling him to celebrate.” ~ Snoo_90160
“NTA. Kid, I’m sorry to say, but your a**hole of a father doesn’t care about you and the only reason his family are mad is because you make it CRYSTAL clear how much of a POS he is.” ~ HUNGWHITEBOI25
“Exactly, the fact that his family tried to make you feel like you were in the wrong angers me so much. I’m so glad mom is there for support and by your side. Stay strong and stay close to those who actually care and show love to you.” ~ NightFlowerss
“There was probably a sh*t ton of blowback after that storm out that they had to deal with and instead of forcing the POS to take accountability for it, they’re going to blame the kid. I can’t imagine the whispers throughout the rest of the night after something like that.” ~ GnomesinBlankets
“God, sweetie, I am so sorry. As an adoptive mom this breaks my heart. You do realize how much your mom loves you right?”
“This situation says everything about your dad, not you. HE is the one who is lacking, not you.”
“Ask your mom to get you a therapist, it will help you work through all this and heal. Focus on you and your wonderful mom.” ~ ButterscotchIll1523
“Tell his family in a group chat, ‘Do you know why mom and dad got divorced? It was over me. He wanted to send me back because he had kids of his own now. Then at the wedding, he refused to mention me’.”
“‘He still hasn’t even tried to reach out to me, he says he doesn’t give a damn about me. He’s such a horrible person. Stop harassing me. He’s the problem’.”
“I never assumed to be born or be adopted by him. It’s funny how he’s going to adopt his wife’s kids and accept them into the family, but threw me away. His wife better be careful that he doesn’t get rid of her kids’.” ~ rocketmn69_
“NTA. If I was his wife, bringing two young kids into the relationship, I’d seriously think twice about marrying him.”
“He adopted a kid, then threw said kid away when he had ‘his own real kids’. Hi, stepchildren? How are those girls going to be treated when the dust settles and the honeymoon is over?” ~ Same-Kangaroo-3981
As many pointed out, the OP is nearly an adult and has no reason to interact with his adoptive father again. He should excise him from his life and enjoy his time with the people who love him.