A couple was progressing in their relationship, but then a revelation from the beginning threw things into chaos. The man, age 27, was left wondering if or how he could past something his girlfriend, age 22, did.
Needing a different perspective, he turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit.
Redditor throwra-hugf posted:
"My girlfriend of a year slept with another guy while we were 'taking it slow' a month into dating me."
He explained:
"I have been with this girl I'll call Jess for close to a year now. Since specifics matter here, we started dating around last Thanksgiving, but it was only about a month later when we said were in an official relationship."
"I really liked this girl from the get-go and we've gotten very close since then, and were actually planning on moving [in] together soon."
"Here's a problem, recently Jess and I ran into a guy at a small get-together with mutual friends. They exchanged a weird look like there was something between them but I didn't think too much of it at the time."
"During the party something came up about the place Jess went to for a date (the time was clear since it was a Christmas market in my town) and again I thought something was off about the guy. Well later that night I actually get a text from him (he got my number from one of the mutual friends), but said 'hey I don't know you but I thought you should know that Jess and I hooked up right after Christmas'."
"I confronted Jess about this and I could tell she tensed up right away. She got this sad look on her face, but confessed right away."
"She said she had met this guy on Tinder and hooked up a couple of times but stopped any contact before we became official."
"She said she wasn't sure we would get into a relationship at that time but she still felt bad that I found out this way. She said she considered telling me but was afraid it would ruin things between us."
"I told her I needed some time to think and proceeded to get drunk that night and ignored her texts. The thing is I feel very betrayed and I am really considering ending things."
"Sure we weren't 'official' when this happened, but we had already been on multiple dates at that time, and I thought it was pretty clear that we were moving towards a full fledged relationship. On my side, I had no interest in pursuing other girls at that point because I only wanted to be with Jess."
"And on her end she was definitely hinting at us evolving into a couple and strongly hinting at exclusivity."
"The other part that kills me is that during this early stage, Jess specifically said she wanted to take things slow physically until we knew each other better. But during this same time she hooks up with a guy she barely knew from Tinder?"
"When I asked her this she said it's different because she took it slow with me specifically because she thought we would get into a relationship, but it was somehow different with a casual hookup. That logic makes ZERO sense to me."
"I don't really want to talk about [this] with my friends because I think they would hate Jess if [we] end up staying together. But I would like to hear opinions on here."
Finally, the Original Poster (OP) asked for advice.
"Would you stay in a relationship like this if things were going well but the beginning was so shady?"
Redditors offered their insights.
"All other things aside, it does make sense (for me) to take things slow with someone I'm pursuing a relationship with, but it doesn't matter for casual sex/flings."
"I am thoroughly not into dating multiple people, though." ~ Ancient-Party
"Not that it matters here but it's a common thing. While I never talk to more than one person at a time. I know there a plenty of people, men and women, who do."
"To them, if it's not an official relationship it's not a problem or issue. For me, I literally can't do it because that's just not who I am." ~ MaySangriaTwenty
"To add to this, my opinion why people 'talk to' more than one person at a time is because any given person may not work out, so committing to one person without having a specific conversation with them that you are mutually willing to commit, is setting yourself up for heartbreak."
"I think it's a consequence of modern communication methods and OLD, but to be clear I'm not sure it's a definitely positive thing. I sympathize with your position, I share it myself, but unless you've agreed with someone that you're not going to have any kind of sexual/flirtatious relationship with anyone else, you can't expect them to be exclusive to you." ~ StructuralEngineer16
"In my opinion, if you're dating someone and moving towards a serious relationship you DON'T FREAKING BANG OTHER PEOPLE!"
"This would be a deal breaker for me, but you do you man. If you can't get past it then end it." ~ Hardline61
The Original Poster responded to this comment.
"Yea that's how I feel as well. It would have been one thing if she was just talking to other guys in the early stages while we where still defining things. Of course that's fine and normal."
"But it feels like a slap in the fact that she found another guy to sleep with after we had already gone on quite a few dates and I made it clear I thought we were moving towards a serious relationship, which she seemed to also acknowledge. There is no way she didn't know I would feel hurt that she did that."
He came back over three weeks later to update everyone on how he handled the situation.
"I broke up with her."
He then gave Redditors the details.
"As the title says, I decided to break up with Jess. I kept going back and forth because I was worried I was throwing away a great thing over something that happened in the past."
"But the problem is I thought I really wouldn't [be] able to get past it."
"I can't help what she did was really sh*tty. Yes, I know that technically she did not cheat. But she knew that I wanted a real relationship and that we were potentially moving in that direction.
"But, meanwhile she expected me to plan (and pay for) interesting dates, court her and prove that I was 'worthy' of her while she happily hooked up with randos who basically did nothing but show an interest in f'king. F'k that."
"In a follow up conversation it also came up that her friends sort of guided her to act like this. That she should basically allow herself to have fun and to keep her casual options open but with me to 'make me work for it' and show that I wasn't just looking for sex but was capable of being a committed partner."
"The whole thing just seems so manipulative and ugly, and these were also mutual friends who I considered to be nice girls and now my friends as well. Now I never want to see any of those pieces of sh*t ever again."
"Anyway, I know this is starting to sound a bit like a rant, but I felt pretty pissed off and basically called it quits. The actual breakup was actually quite unpleasant."
"No harsh words were exchanged, but Jess cried and we kind of talked about some happy times."
"I guess that's the hardest part about this, like I don't think she is a bad girl and maybe we could have had a nice future together like we did over the past few months."
"But in the end, I do think I made the right decision, I want to be with someone who treats me well from the get-go, not someone who manipulates me while playing games just so she can have her cake and eat it too."
Crowdsourced advice can give people a lot of options and perspectives they may not have thought of. But what a person does needs to feel comfortable for them, whether it's the popular choice or not.
After all, only the OP has to live with his decision, not the anonymous people of Reddit.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.