We are often encouraged - even commended - for helping others.
We take out the landlord's garbage or help a coworker with an important task.
The trouble is that sometimes helping another person opens you up to critiques that you might otherwise have been safe from.
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) throwawaymahnstuh when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to help my classmate after she accused me of mansplaining?"
OP began by giving some backstory.
"I (M15) sit at my table group in physics class along with two girls, Ellie (F15) and Mia (F16.)"
"Ellie often asks me for help while we are working on practice problems after lectures."
"She doesn't really ask specific questions despite me prompting her to, and instead just says general stuff like 'I don't get it."'
"So I usually explain the concept to her from a more fundamental level to make sure I'm covering whatever she doesn't understand."
"It also helps me to give her a comprehensive explanation, because verbalizing the material helps me solidify it in my brain too so it's a win-win situation."
Everything was fine, until...
"Yesterday, I was explaining a problem to Ellie when Mia interrupted and told me 'you don't need to mansplain every single detail, stop speaking to her like she's an idiot.'"
"I was really baffled, because I never have tried to condescend Ellie and Ellie has never told me that she feels like I'm being rude."
"I mumbled 'sorry' to Mia because I didn't want to escalate the situation and I wasn't sure what to say."
"Today, we had an exam, and our teacher allows to have ten minutes of review before tests."
"Mia pulled up her chair next to me like nothing had happened yesterday, and asked me to explain this one concept to her."
"I told her that it's probably best if she asks the teacher, because I don't want to seem like I'm 'mansplaining' her either. She called me a jack*ss and then went to ask another table group for help."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the issue, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses were very direct.
"NTA."
"Also she's using the word wrong." ~ Eadiacara
"Agreed."
"OP, you did right by sticking up for yourself. She can't expect to be rude to you for helping someone else and then turn around and ask for your help."
"Apparently, she doesn't know what 'natural consequences' means anymore than she understands the concept of mansplaining." ~ formidable-opponent
Others explained...mansplaining.
"Yes."
"Mansplaining is explaining something to a woman who already knows it."
"Not helping someone asking for help. Good lord nta. I've been Mansplained to this is not it" ~ Cat_o_meter
"I once stopped at a car dealership on a whim because I saw a used car that caught my eye."
"I was kind of in the market, but not actively searching."
"The salesman was telling me about their 183838 point inspection, or whatever it was, for all their used cars."
'"We put it on a lift. That's something that takes it waaaay up into the air so we can see underneath."'
"Usually I just let things roll off my back, but this was ridiculous."
"I told him 'my vagina doesn't make me r-slurred.' (Sorry, it was many years ago and I didn't know any differently! I don't use that term now!) And I stormed off."
"I went home and told my husband, and it's become one of our ongoing jokes for almost 20 years."
"I'll ask how to do something, or how something technical works, and he'll say 'well honey, we put the generator (or whatever we're fixing) on a lift. That takes it waaaay up into the air.' 😂" ~ IWantALargeFarva
"I once had a male veterinarian, while explaining the instructions for my cat's medicine, say 'Your husband can use the syringe to measure out 0.5mL of medicine."'
"So not only do I not have a husband, I also have a PhD in chemistry and have used hundreds of syringes in my work."
"He was an elderly man and I didn't want to be rude but was also totally caught off guard. All I said was, 'And if I don't have a husband, is this something that I can do?' 🤣" ~ carkcoll
Some pointed out that Ellie asked for the help.
"Yup my thought exactly. Mansplaining is real, but it's not what does, he is just helping a girl who asked for his help." ~ Jed08
"This is the big thing."
"It was requested by Ellie."
"If Ellie has always been happy with the way OP explains things then Mia needs to STFU and keep her opinions to herself and just ask someone else for help if she doesn't like the way OP explains it."
"There's literally a sub here called 'Explain like I'm 5' because sometimes even adults need someone to break it down to be so easy even a 5yo can understand it before they get the concept." ~ littlebitfunny21
Commenters felt Mia was out of line.
"NTA."
"She had it coming."
"The conversation was between you and Ellie, and Mia decided to take offence."
"Mia needs help and suddenly you're ok. You dodged a bullet, as she can use the same mansplaining card AFTER you help her." ~ Far_Opening2859
"'as she can use the same mansplaining card AFTER you help her.'"
"Exactly."
"If you had asked what her doubt was, and she was vague about the issue."
"So you decide to go against your instincts to help her out, then she would have just turned around and said something like 'I didn't ask you for all that, just explain this"'.
"Also you are all still teens."
"She's at a perfect age to learn about the consequences of her actions, especially on these low stakes issues." ~ Material-Paint6281
"NTA."
"Accusing someone of mansplaining when their help was requested is a dick move."
"It's hard to know the appropriate level of detail to share when teaching something because you don't know how much the other person already knows."
"It's better not to leave steps out or skip details."
"I also would've referred her to the teacher. He's paid to mansplain that stuff." ~ Roll-Roll-Roll
"NTA she's toxic."
"You were doing nothing wrong helping Ellie and Ellie is obviously okay with coming to you for help and how you explain it to her."
"Mia stuck her nose in other people's business and you have no obligation to then help her after she's attacked you." ~ herdingcats2020
Some wondered what Ellie thought.
"NTA."
"You don't HAVE to help other people."
"I would ask Ellie if she was okay with how you were explaining things to her, if you'd like to keep helping her/if she's your friend." ~ Duckieshoes101
"NTA."
"If Ellie didn't have an issue with how you were explaining things, she would have let you know by either telling you directly or no longer asking you."
"Assuming you're not automatically explaining everything to E before she requests your help, you're not mansplaining."
"Mansplaining is explaining something with a condescending attitude to a woman/girl unprompted and regardless of their understanding of the subject."
"It doesn't sound like that's what you were doing." ~ BoundPrincess84
This particular comment really hit on all the points.
"Came here to say this! NTA."
"Mia put her nose where it didn't belong, was rude about it, and suffered the consequences."
"Some people are mad at Ellie for not speaking up but maybe Mia is just an annoying bully and Ellie didn't want to get into it."
"We don't know."
"I agree to ask Ellie how she feels about it all and go from there, and if she does feel like it was mansplaining at all explain to her your perspective and how you need more specific questions, but you're happy to help her if she needs it."
"Communication really resolves so many things."
"As an aside, many have said Mia is using the term mansplaining incorrectly and I have to agree."
"Here's a better example (IMO):"
"I was a bartender in college."
"Had been for several years at the time of the story at the same pub and waited tables for many years before that."
"Suffice to say, I was very familiar with restaurant basics."
"A guy at the bar orders a drink, I make it, and he goes, 'Can I get a coaster? Ya know one of those little cardboard squares that goes under my drink to soak up condensation?'"
"As if I've never heard of a coaster before 🙄 and honestly it wasn't even that dramatic and as I write it out it's a pretty small offense, just annoying."
"Also, he already had a coaster in front of him, the drink just wasn't on it."
"Maybe not the best example, but you explaining a concept to someone who asked for an explanation isn't mansplaining, plain and simple." ~ br_h_w
We all need help sometimes.
The thing that surprised me most in this article was how few people wanted to know whether Ellie actually felt mansplained to.
Isn't that the whole point?
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.