When teens are preparing to go to college or trade school, one of the primary concerns is often how they will pay for their education and if there are scholarships available.
Having someone who can help support your endeavors certainly can take some weight off your shoulders.
But having this privilege isn't necessarily something you communicate to your friends, advised the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Bananascience97 recently discovered this when she shared some information about how she was planning to go to university with her best friend.
After seeing her friend's reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she overshared.
She asked the sub:
"AITA because I told my best friend she can't be mad at me for financial decisions my parents made?"
The OP and her friend were discussing college plans.
"So I (17 [female]) have been best friends with 'Kayla' (17 [female]) for about 2 years."
"We were casually having a discussion about post-secondary education and plans when she mentioned she would like to be a veterinarian but doesn't know how she will pay for university."
"I was surprised and asked if her parents had put aside money."
"For context, in Canada where I live, parents can contribute to a Registered Education Savings Plan (RESP) where the government will match your contribution up to $7500 or more based on income."
"She said no, her parents didn't do that."
The OP may have shared too much.
"She then asked how much my parents have for my education."
"I said about $75,000. My parents started saving when they found out my mom was pregnant."
"She then started saying I was spoiled and that I shouldn't flaunt my parents' wealth."
"(My parents are not wealthy in the slightest but have made good financial decisions.)"
The OP and Kayla didn't see eye-to-eye.
"I was getting the impression that Kayla was jealous, which is understandable."
"She was getting upset and mentioned other times my parents 'spoiled' me."
"I do realize I am privileged to have parents who set aside money."
"But I told her she can't get mad at me because of choices my parents made when I wasn't even born."
"AITA because I said that?"
"Kayla seems to think I am."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was NTA but she needed to be more sensitive in the future.
"NAH, this is just a case of you not seeing the privileged situation you were in. And having privilege does not make you an AH. Just know moving forward that your financial situation is better than a lot of your peers and you need to be sensitive to that fact." - FabricHound
"You never ever discuss finances with people. Especially when you have money. People will hate you for it and they usually try to get money out of you."
"So ok, you could say they saved for your education but you should have said you don't know how much. Let this be a lesson to you." - Defan3
"I'm from the US, where often, 'I'm not wealthy, I made good financial decisions' is code for 'I'm wealthy because I or my family profited from an unfair system, and I want to blame your poverty on your own moral failings instead of structural inequalities,' so that sentence alone raises my hackles a little, but maybe it's different where you are."
"Anyway, at your age, it's neither of your faults. She asked how much your parents had saved for your college, so answering isn't flaunting."
"NTA, but I would still caution you to be sensitive toward people who have less than you, if that's not something you're already aware of, because it can be a sore spot and often happens for reasons beyond the control of the person you're talking to (like in this case, where your friend couldn't control her parents' financial decisions either.)" - Broad_Journalist2264
Others said the OP was absolutely TA for not recognizing her privilege.
"ESH. You weren't an a**hole for answering the question, but you're a bit of an a**hole for thinking that having a fluid account with $75,000 set aside specifically for your education doesn't make your family wealthy."
"This is not something the average family is able to do, and you are implying that that is their fault for not making smart choices. Most people do t have those choices to make. She wasn't upset at you for having wealth, she's upset that you are blinded to it." - killingmequickly
"YTA. I am Canadian too and it isn't normal to have $75,000 saved for your education. You are extremely privileged."
"The program you mentioned was not always in place (and I believe isn't in place anymore). You being surprised that other people's parents haven't saved money for their education is ignorant as can be."
"You saying your parents made good financial decisions makes it seem like you are completely ignorant of how well-off you are. Kayla's parents might have made amazing financial decisions and yet been unable to save."
"I make good financial decisions and that means that we don't go in debt to eat and we have a roof over our heads. I put aside money in an RESP and haven't saved enough for one semester of college. You cannot save money you do not have. Have you looked at the cost of housing in Canada?"
"Stop making it seem like your parents were just smart and that anyone can save $75,000 in 17 years. That isn't the case."
"You shouldn't be surprised when others have less than you because you have a lot more than others. You made Kayla feel bad because you looked down upon her parents (and her by extension) and were frankly quite condescending and rude."
"Replace college fund with a beach house or some other luxury and you can see how rude it comes across. Like OMG I can't believe you don't have a beach house! If only your parents were smarter with money." - MiserableProperty
Some said NAH, though the situation was definitely hard.
"NAH. You learned a good lesson at a young age. Do not discuss specifics about money or future prospects with friends. Especially when you know you have much more than the friend you're speaking with."
"It probably did come off sounding like bragging whether you meant it to or not. She obviously took it that way and her reaction was based on jealousy, but she isn't the AH here. I don't think you were trying to brag, so you're not either."
"Don't ever forget this lesson because this kind of situation will definitely come up again and if you go into specifics again despite this situation and what you've learned from it, you will definitely be a jerk." - StewoftheShoe
"It's not fair or good but she likely was taking out her anger about her parents not doing the same then. She likely thought it would be the same for you, and when realizing she could have had the same help, got upset."
"I don't know her situation but when my mom was with my stepdad, he had a middle-class job and we lived in a nice house. He also didn't want to pay for our schooling, and in later stages, our food and possibly utilities."
"So my mom had to work low-paying jobs to pay for our stuff and I actually ended up unable to do things my friend, whose family made less than ours, did. It sucked but we both didn't take jealousy out on each other."
"They for whatever reason didn't help her any, and now seeing someone who has a similar home life get the help and realize her parents probably could've done the same is likely upsetting. And she needs to learn to handle it herself and direct any upset at her parents for their choice, not toward you because you were fortunate your parents wanted to make sure you didn't struggle" - Worried-Good-7952
"Give yourself and her some time to calm down if there's still a lot of tension. Having a discussion and apologizing will be more productive when you're both calm. You should apologize for bringing up such a sensitive topic, it was naive to think everyone had parents who could or would save up for their children's education."
"Being a bit naive is to be expected when you're 17 btw (by the way), so don't take people telling you that too hard, just use it as a learning experience and grow from it."
"Don't apologize for defending yourself when she started to take her feelings out on you though, that was uncalled for on her side."
"Her apologizing too would be the mature thing to do (but it might restart the fight if you ask for an apology while tensions are high. I would hope that she apologizes without you prompting her though)."
"I hope you're able to make up with your friend." - katelli
Though the OP didn't think she was wrong for answering her friend honestly, the subReddit was divided.
Sure, honesty is the best policy, but answering the question a little more vaguely, and simply saying she thought her parents had saved some money, might have been the better choice. Money has a way of ruining relationships, and not just romantic ones.
Hopefully, their friendship survives this conversation and straight through the college years.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.