Smoking is a very difficult habit to kick.
Incentives go a long way for many.
But not for everyone, though.
Case in point…
Redditor a_nannymous wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for denying my boyfriend a ‘once in a lifetime’ experience just to be stubborn?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I get free tickets to events in the U[nited] S[tates] each year.”
“Keeping it vague for privacy, but box seats at popular sports games, and up close seats at well-known concerts.”
“Each year I get X amount of tickets.”
“My boyfriend wanted to quit smoking, and I told him if he did, we could celebrate with tickets to X event.”
“He was excited for that and came up with a plan to quit.”
“A month later, I saw that he’d made no progress, and said, ‘I guess I’ll invite your sister to the Taylor Swift concert then since you’re not making an effort to quit anymore.'”
“He got upset and said that it’s not fair to tie the tickets to smoking.”
“And I should invite him to some of my free events just to be nice/ share the experience with my boyfriend.”
“I said we could discuss doing more than one a year when he quit smoking, but not before.”
“He got upset and said it was really rude of me to hold the tickets over his head, and instead of trying it to smoking, we should just go together.”
“I’m holding my ground, and he’s holding his.”
“I’ve never smoked cigarettes, so maybe I’m just unsympathetic.”
“AITA for denying him these experiences until he quits smoking?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, you made the terms clear at the beginning, it’s his own fault for starting smoking in the first place, and the longer he carries on, the harder quitting will be.”
“Stick to your guns, OP.” ~ TheForgottenAdvocate
“As an ex-smoker, he’s just blowing smoke up your butt. Hold him accountable for the deal he agreed to. NTA.” ~ trustytip
“As an ex-smoker, I find it weird how non-smokers excuse the addiction.”
“Any smoker who really WANTS to quit, can.”
“If you are a smoker trying and failing, you don’t really mean it.”
“Neither does OP’s boyfriend.” ~ jezhayes
“I don’t know I smoked for ten years, and quitting was probably the hardest thing I’ve done in my life.”
“The third time I quit, I knew I was not strong enough to be able to quit again, so I’d better do everything in my power to stay quit.”
“Even knowing that I had to lock myself in my room for two weeks and I had the most horrible nightmares.”
“I couldn’t talk to anyone bc I was in the foulest mood of all time.”
“It was truly awful.”
“Now, many years later, there are still times I smell a cigarette and get a passing craving.”
“There’s still a cigarette-shaped void in my brain, and if I knew I was terminal in the immediate future, I might start smoking again.”
“But only if I was gonna croak because literally, I could never do that again.” ~ Electrical_Bed_
“I smoked for 41 years and recently (January- into my fifth month completely smoke-free) decided I had to quit.”
“So that my remaining years wouldn’t be taken up with horrible health consequences, so as not to ruin the value of the house I’m leaving my children when I croak, and it’s expensive now.”
“Still, given all that, if it weren’t FOR all that, I’d go right back to it.”
“Some of us are/were truly hooked.”
“OP needs to figure out if her boyfriend is, and whether she can live with that.” ~ InterabangSmoose
“I quit smoking 12 years ago, and I’m still miserable without my cigarettes.”
“I think about smoking constantly, all day, every day.”
“I made an agreement with my husband that if I’m ever diagnosed with a terminal illness or if I make it to 75 years old, then I’m allowed to start smoking again.”
“And as shi**y and dramatic as it sounds, sometimes I do secretly hope that I’ll get diagnosed with a terminal illness because I’m honestly not always sure that life is worth living if I can’t smoke.”
“Yeah, I know, yikes.”
“And look, I don’t want to demoralize anyone looking to quit.”
“I know, intellectually, that it was the right decision, and I do try to remind myself that I breathe easier now and (hopefully) have a longer life ahead of me.”
“But it’s been 12 years, and I’m still white-knuckling it through every single day.”
“I’m filled with rage and jealousy when other ex-smokers say that they don’t miss it or never think about it.”
“I think about it constantly.”
“So if anyone has any tips for how to move on after quitting, please share because I’m fighting for my life here.” ~ elizabearao3
“You’re not the AH because it was a deal you both made.”
“But, to be honest, he’s not going to quit smoking to have a reward.”
“It’s not something that will work, so if that’s your intention, just quit because you will get tired.”
“The point where I think YTA (but so many people do it, so I don’t know if it’s just me), your boyfriend/partner is not a child nor a dog that you can reward for good behavior and punish if he misbehaves.” ~ Inevitable_Block_144
“NTA. My dad quit after smoking for 40 years.”
“It’s really hard to do it without some help.”
“There are medical ways that can help (prescriptions, etc.) that may make it easier for him to quit.”
“I don’t think you’re wrong for trying to help him get healthier (and save your own lungs, too!), but it’s an addiction and it’s hard to quit – he may just need a little help from a doctor.” ~ blackcrowblue
“Addiction isn’t a choice.”
“Cigarettes are more addictive psychologically than heroin.”
“The physical withdrawals are nothing compared to opioids, yet the hold nicotine has is intense.”
“OP is totally NTA for their boundaries, yet if healing from addictions were simple and easy, I would be out of a job.”
“Lecturing addicts never works.”
“They know the risks and the damage. They know they are doing something that causes harm to themselves and others.”
“Compassion and support is key, but it is not OP’s responsibility at all.”
“Every addict has to do the work and make the necessary steps to healing for themselves, and that is done in their own time and in their own capacities.”
“It is not easy loving an addict of any substance.” ~ HedyHarlowe
“Yes – it’s so hard!”
“Exactly why I think it’s naive of the OP to say they want to quit, so she expects they will and stay that way.”
“The truth is that they may be a smoker for the rest of their life, and if that is a deal breaker, then it’s something that needs to be discussed.”
“I don’t care about the tickets thing, but long term, there is no guarantee he will ACTUALLY stop smoking no matter whether he promised or not.” ~ Emma_Aus_85
“NTA. You had a clear deal.”
“Giving up smoking isn’t easy (I know, I’ve done it), but it is impossible if you don’t even TRY.”
“I’m sure if he was making the attempt, you’d reconsider, but he isn’t.”
“When trying to get a loved one to give up an unhealthy habit, you’ve got the carrot (reward if happens) or stick (whinge until they do it) option.”
“Him not getting to go to something he wants is a bit of both.”
“But he still wants to smoke more.” ~ Express-Zucchini6177
“NTA. Y’all made an agreement.”
“HE reneged after he made no effort towards his end of the deal.”
“However, I wouldn’t say it’s fair to hold all future events against him.”
“Either way, he’s going to need your support to quit.”
“Maybe try to come up with a rewards system together with manageable benchmarks instead of one big reward sometime down the road.” ~ agutema
“ESH. It was clear to him that he got the tickets if he followed your terms and conditions.”
“He didn’t follow your terms and conditions. He doesn’t get the tickets.”
“But the whole ‘if you do this, you get a reward’ reminds me of how you would train a dog.”
“And also, you can never control how someone acts or the decisions they make, which is what you are trying to do, and the results are just you treating him like a child.” ~ Favourite_Bookmark
“NTA. Sounds like you should have already dumped him.”
“Ant YTA judgments are bizarrely missing the point that he agreed to this arrangement enthusiastically, and you aren’t being manipulative by enforcing smoking being a deal breaker.” ~ IamblichusSneezed
OP came back with an Update…
“He wants to quit, but he’s been saying that for years.”
“I’m not forcing him into anything.”
“A lot of the votes so far are YTA, so if that continues to be the consensus, BF has lots of events ahead of him and a heartfelt apology from me.”
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You both agreed to the deal.
He has to figure out what he is capable of.
Keep making the choices you’re comfortable with.
Enjoy Taylor… whomever you go with.