Smoking is a very difficult habit to kick.
Incentives go a long way for many.
But not for everyone, though.
Case in point...
Redditor a_nannymous wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for denying my boyfriend a 'once in a lifetime' experience just to be stubborn?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I get free tickets to events in the U[nited] S[tates] each year."
"Keeping it vague for privacy, but box seats at popular sports games, and up close seats at well-known concerts."
"Each year I get X amount of tickets."
"My boyfriend wanted to quit smoking, and I told him if he did, we could celebrate with tickets to X event."
"He was excited for that and came up with a plan to quit."
"A month later, I saw that he'd made no progress, and said, 'I guess I'll invite your sister to the Taylor Swift concert then since you're not making an effort to quit anymore.'"
"He got upset and said that it's not fair to tie the tickets to smoking."
"And I should invite him to some of my free events just to be nice/ share the experience with my boyfriend."
"I said we could discuss doing more than one a year when he quit smoking, but not before."
"He got upset and said it was really rude of me to hold the tickets over his head, and instead of trying it to smoking, we should just go together."
"I'm holding my ground, and he's holding his."
"I've never smoked cigarettes, so maybe I'm just unsympathetic."
"AITA for denying him these experiences until he quits smoking?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, you made the terms clear at the beginning, it's his own fault for starting smoking in the first place, and the longer he carries on, the harder quitting will be."
"Stick to your guns, OP." ~ TheForgottenAdvocate
"As an ex-smoker, he's just blowing smoke up your butt. Hold him accountable for the deal he agreed to. NTA." ~ trustytip
"As an ex-smoker, I find it weird how non-smokers excuse the addiction."
"Any smoker who really WANTS to quit, can."
"If you are a smoker trying and failing, you don't really mean it."
"Neither does OP's boyfriend." ~ jezhayes
"I don't know I smoked for ten years, and quitting was probably the hardest thing I've done in my life."
"The third time I quit, I knew I was not strong enough to be able to quit again, so I'd better do everything in my power to stay quit."
"Even knowing that I had to lock myself in my room for two weeks and I had the most horrible nightmares."
"I couldn't talk to anyone bc I was in the foulest mood of all time."
"It was truly awful."
"Now, many years later, there are still times I smell a cigarette and get a passing craving."
"There's still a cigarette-shaped void in my brain, and if I knew I was terminal in the immediate future, I might start smoking again."
"But only if I was gonna croak because literally, I could never do that again." ~ Electrical_Bed_
"I smoked for 41 years and recently (January- into my fifth month completely smoke-free) decided I had to quit."
"So that my remaining years wouldn't be taken up with horrible health consequences, so as not to ruin the value of the house I'm leaving my children when I croak, and it's expensive now."
"Still, given all that, if it weren't FOR all that, I'd go right back to it."
"Some of us are/were truly hooked."
"OP needs to figure out if her boyfriend is, and whether she can live with that." ~ InterabangSmoose
"I quit smoking 12 years ago, and I'm still miserable without my cigarettes."
"I think about smoking constantly, all day, every day."
"I made an agreement with my husband that if I'm ever diagnosed with a terminal illness or if I make it to 75 years old, then I'm allowed to start smoking again."
"And as shi**y and dramatic as it sounds, sometimes I do secretly hope that I'll get diagnosed with a terminal illness because I'm honestly not always sure that life is worth living if I can't smoke."
"Yeah, I know, yikes."
"And look, I don't want to demoralize anyone looking to quit."
"I know, intellectually, that it was the right decision, and I do try to remind myself that I breathe easier now and (hopefully) have a longer life ahead of me."
"But it's been 12 years, and I'm still white-knuckling it through every single day."
"I'm filled with rage and jealousy when other ex-smokers say that they don't miss it or never think about it."
"I think about it constantly."
"So if anyone has any tips for how to move on after quitting, please share because I'm fighting for my life here." ~ elizabearao3
"You're not the AH because it was a deal you both made."
"But, to be honest, he's not going to quit smoking to have a reward."
"It's not something that will work, so if that's your intention, just quit because you will get tired."
"The point where I think YTA (but so many people do it, so I don't know if it's just me), your boyfriend/partner is not a child nor a dog that you can reward for good behavior and punish if he misbehaves." ~ Inevitable_Block_144
"NTA. My dad quit after smoking for 40 years."
"It's really hard to do it without some help."
"There are medical ways that can help (prescriptions, etc.) that may make it easier for him to quit."
"I don't think you're wrong for trying to help him get healthier (and save your own lungs, too!), but it's an addiction and it's hard to quit - he may just need a little help from a doctor." ~ blackcrowblue
"Addiction isn't a choice."
"Cigarettes are more addictive psychologically than heroin."
"The physical withdrawals are nothing compared to opioids, yet the hold nicotine has is intense."
"OP is totally NTA for their boundaries, yet if healing from addictions were simple and easy, I would be out of a job."
"Lecturing addicts never works."
"They know the risks and the damage. They know they are doing something that causes harm to themselves and others."
"Compassion and support is key, but it is not OP's responsibility at all."
"Every addict has to do the work and make the necessary steps to healing for themselves, and that is done in their own time and in their own capacities."
"It is not easy loving an addict of any substance." ~ HedyHarlowe
"Yes - it's so hard!"
"Exactly why I think it's naive of the OP to say they want to quit, so she expects they will and stay that way."
"The truth is that they may be a smoker for the rest of their life, and if that is a deal breaker, then it's something that needs to be discussed."
"I don't care about the tickets thing, but long term, there is no guarantee he will ACTUALLY stop smoking no matter whether he promised or not." ~ Emma_Aus_85
"NTA. You had a clear deal."
"Giving up smoking isn't easy (I know, I've done it), but it is impossible if you don't even TRY."
"I'm sure if he was making the attempt, you'd reconsider, but he isn't."
"When trying to get a loved one to give up an unhealthy habit, you've got the carrot (reward if happens) or stick (whinge until they do it) option."
"Him not getting to go to something he wants is a bit of both."
"But he still wants to smoke more." ~ Express-Zucchini6177
"NTA. Y'all made an agreement."
"HE reneged after he made no effort towards his end of the deal."
"However, I wouldn't say it's fair to hold all future events against him."
"Either way, he's going to need your support to quit."
"Maybe try to come up with a rewards system together with manageable benchmarks instead of one big reward sometime down the road." ~ agutema
"ESH. It was clear to him that he got the tickets if he followed your terms and conditions."
"He didn't follow your terms and conditions. He doesn't get the tickets."
"But the whole 'if you do this, you get a reward' reminds me of how you would train a dog."
"And also, you can never control how someone acts or the decisions they make, which is what you are trying to do, and the results are just you treating him like a child." ~ Favourite_Bookmark
"NTA. Sounds like you should have already dumped him."
"Ant YTA judgments are bizarrely missing the point that he agreed to this arrangement enthusiastically, and you aren't being manipulative by enforcing smoking being a deal breaker." ~ IamblichusSneezed
OP came back with an Update...
"He wants to quit, but he's been saying that for years."
"I'm not forcing him into anything."
"A lot of the votes so far are YTA, so if that continues to be the consensus, BF has lots of events ahead of him and a heartfelt apology from me."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You both agreed to the deal.
He has to figure out what he is capable of.
Keep making the choices you're comfortable with.
Enjoy Taylor... whomever you go with.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.