Content Warning: Racism, Racist Stepparent
When two people come together and want to get married, it’s important that they be on the same page about some major issues, like money management, work-life balance, and of course, whether or not to have children and how to raise them.
This is a conversation that couples with children from previous relationships should also have, and it’s glaringly obvious when they skip this step, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor BallAcrobatic2709 thought that everything at home was okay, but he noticed issues developing between his new wife and his seventeen-year-old son, who she repeatedly reprimanded and grounded.
When he finally told her that she couldn’t ground him, the Original Poster (OP) was surprised by how she lashed out and accused him of undermining her authority in the household.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH because I told my wife she isn’t allowed to ground my son?”
The OP and his new wife shared a household with four sons.
“My son is seventeen.”
“My wife and I also have three more boys. Two are from before our marriage in her previous relationship, but I’m legally their father now. They are all much younger than my son.”
“My son is starting his senior year of high school next year and hoping to get an athletic scholarship. My son plans to spend all summer practicing.”
The OP’s wife and oldest son had a disagreement about chores.
“Yesterday, my wife asked him to tidy up the living room, and he said he was already on the way to the gym.”
“She told him that he could go after tidying.”
“He said he would do it when he got back and left without giving her time to reply.”
“She sent him a text saying he is grounded and then called me to let me know.”
“I told her I would talk to him, but he wasn’t grounded.”
“She said he disrespected her, and I said we could and would have a conversation about that, but there would be no grounding.”
“This is my last summer with my oldest child, and an important summer because he’s trying to achieve something that can make or break his future. I’m not going to risk ruining either of those things unless it’s something really serious.”
“She was very upset. I texted my son that he wasn’t grounded but that we wanted to talk to him when he came home. He said okay and texted me when he was leaving the gym to let us know he was on the way.”
“When he got back, we sat down and talked. He said he didn’t mind helping out but that he was a busy person with a busy schedule and wasn’t at our beck and call. He said if he is asked in advance to do something, he will, but he isn’t available to us at the drop of a hat.”
“My wife didn’t like that, but I said that was fine. I asked him if he would be willing to clean the living room, and he said he would after taking a shower.”
The OP’s wife lashed out at him for “undermining her authority.”
“While he was in the shower, my wife and I got into a big fight. She said I undermined her, and all the kids will respect her less.”
“I said she isn’t my oldest’s mother, and the final say goes to me with him. Any of our other kids and I wouldn’t do what I did, but she’s not his mom.”
“She was very angry I said that and said she needed space from me.”
“We have only talked as much as necessary today, and I’m getting worried.”
“We are supposed to be at a Memorial Day barbecue in an hour, and she just asked me if I could stay home while she took the boys without me (my oldest has plans with friends and has already left).”
“I am wondering if I’m the a**hole here. My son always said that he would respect my wife, but she’s not his mother. He’s never cussed her, shouted at her, or what have you. I think it’s fair that we stay consistent with her not being his mom. Maybe I’m being a bad husband.”
The OP later updated the post after his wife returned from the Memorial Day barbecue.
“My wife and the kids got home about an hour ago. After we put the kids to bed, we talked. I asked her, after five years of never even attempting to be any sort of mother to my oldest, why she all of a sudden wanted to step into that role.”
“She said she wasn’t trying to parent him, that she was just trying to manage the household, and he wasn’t cooperating.”
“I said that wasn’t a reason to react the way she did, and he was cooperating by offering to do it later.”
“She said she was overwhelmed and needed it done then so she didn’t have to think about it.”
Their conversation then took a concerning turn.
“I told her it’s very important to me that this last summer be a good one, because I don’t know when I’ll see him again after this. I mentioned how I’m anxious that I won’t be able to attend his big events because he might not want her there, and I can’t abandon my wife to travel without her.”
“As I was talking, really rambling more than anything, her eyes lit up. She smiled at me. I thought it was so weird because I hadn’t said anything positive, and a moment ago, she’d been upset.”
“I asked what was going on. She said nothing. She then asked me if I meant that.”
“I was confused and asked which part. She asked if I’d choose her over my son.”
“I said I’d never choose anything over my children. She said, but if he invited you to visit him and not me, you wouldn’t go?”
“I said I couldn’t do that to her, it wouldn’t be right. As a husband, I can’t just abandon her unless it’s an emergency or something. Obviously, I don’t want an emergency, so you can see why I’m stressed about this possible future where I go years without seeing my son.”
The OP became increasingly concerned about what was happening.
“She said she understood and it wouldn’t happen again, but the whole interaction was so strange. One moment, she was upset and defensive. The next moment, she was kissing me and telling me I was going to have a great summer and everything would be okay. The whole thing was so, so odd.”
“I asked her how the barbecue was and she said it was alright, but it would have been better if I were there, which I had no idea how to respond to.”
“I don’t know what to make of this situation. Half of me thinks this is a resolution and I can put it behind me, and maybe the other half is too paranoid from reading so many comments, but that half thinks this is just a symptom of a bigger problem. Either way, my wife is happy, so I’m better off than I was before, I suppose.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the OP and his wife needed to more clearly define their boundaries and approaches when parenting.
“When OP and his wife got together, the eldest son was not on the verge of being a man; he was very much still a boy. I have a hard time believing they had some grown-up relationship when he was 12.”
“Either the wife has ‘mom’ authority, or she doesn’t. Same with him and her kids. If they don’t have that authority, fine, make it clear. If they do, you need to back them up when they exercise that authority.”
“The worst possible thing is to send mixed messages depending on whether you agree with how she’s exercising that authority. That’s a conversation to have between the two adults in private.” – Dynamo_Ham
“So your wife doesn’t currently, nor has ever previously, exercised any kind of parental responsibility or control over your son for the entire duration of your relationship with her?”
“Because the way the initial convo about cleaning is described, she sounds like she’s very much approaching it from the perspective of a parental/adult figure who is accustomed to and expecting respectful obedience from a child in her charge.”
“But at the same time, the text and tone of your comment replies almost make it sound like you’re the only parental figure for him in your household, and your son and wife have a roommate-like relationship, where requests for help cleaning are not commands, but subject to discussion between the two people, as equals.”
“If this is the case, then why would her expectations be so far off with the cleaning/gym conversation? Why would she think she could ground him? Has she grounded him in the past?”
“So which perspective on their relationship is correct? Is she his stepmother, or his roommate who happens to be married to his father?” – kindofana**hole17
“A 17-year-old is almost an adult and should be treated in that hybrid manner, not the same as a younger child. Establish household chores that are his responsibility and guide him in managing his time.”
“For example, you could tell him going forward, it’s his responsibility to maintain the family room daily. He can decide on any given day when that task works with his schedule. The reason telling a young child WHEN to do something is acceptable is because you know/made their schedule and because they’re too young to be self-directed.”
“An older teenager who’s making time commitments and goals on their own should be told WHAT to do as a member of the household and how often, but not when to do that, especially when it conflicts with other commitments they’ve made.”
“Stepmom needs to realize this situation is not because of the step relationship but because of the age of the (almost) adult child.” – Diligent-Variation51
“Basic chores like that I would have told my kids to have done by the end of X day, and then they could have fit it into their schedule as they saw fit.”
“No point demanding something be done that minute that really didn’t have to be done that exact moment just to exert control. This is about her having control. A 17-year-old has the right to have some say over his existence.”
“I’m the parent of a teen myself. I’ve been a stepchild, and my son is a stepchild. It’s tricky, but the wife here needs to work on the relationship and connection and respect his development. At this age, he should have some autonomy.”
“It is absolutely reasonable to do the chore (that is not urgent) after his gym time. You’re not required to back up poor parenting, in my humble opinion. I’m glad I’m single. I got tired of people other than my son’s parents telling me how to parent him.” – Ivy-Moss-3298
“The OP wrote, ‘Her eyes lit up. She smiled at me. I thought it was so weird, because I hadn’t said anything positive, and a moment ago she’d been upset. l asked what was going on. She said nothing. She then asked me if I meant that. I was confused and asked which part. She asked if I’d choose her over my son.'”
“This is a huge red flag. she intentionally antagonized the one son who views her as step-mom, demanded respect and power over him with something trivial, then got overly excited over the knowledge that you would possibly choose her over him.”
“She does not like him, and you seriously need to pay attention to other signs of her getting in between the two of you.”
“As someone who grew up with a stepmother like this, it killed me when my dad didn’t believe me or see the manipulation, and it drove a huge wedge between us. It sounds like you’re doing great in terms of having his back so far, keep doing that.” – Glittering-Battle444
Others hoped that the OP would consider what his son’s wishes actually meant for his relationship with his stepmother.
“I think you should really ask yourself: Why wouldn’t your son want her to attend life events after he moves out?”
“Why is she happy and accepting that you wouldn’t travel to see your son if she couldn’t go along? And that you would ‘choose’ her over your son?”
“It sounds like there are major issues between them that you’ve been ignoring (intentionally or not), and this doesn’t sound resolved at all to me.” – PJ-putitonmyluggage
“Her reaction was really weird. Sound like she is planning to make a big scene every time OP is going to make plans with his son, preventing him from seeing his son.” – i_m_ignoring_u
“I wouldn’t be surprised if she makes home a hard place to come back to for the son, as well.”
“Also, thinking on this more, its s**tty when parents don’t think their teenagers (especially near-adult teens) don’t have obligations and schedules outside the home they need to prioritize. It was also s**tty of OP to undermine the wife in that way, but mainly, it is bad that they’ve built this expectation that they aren’t a united family to begin with.”
“A step-parent should still be a co-parent who helps run the home. The fact that for this many years the wife has seen herself in competition with OP’s son is unhinged on her part, but also the fact that it’s always been his kid vs her kids vs their kid, and not just ‘their kids’ shows there are so many problems here that the OP has helped foster.”
“I know every post ends with saying the OP needs therapy, but OP, y’all need some family therapy.” – kitkatnicito
“I didn’t particularly care for my stepdad. And while I would have never told my mom, ‘Don’t bring him to my events,’ if I did make that choice, I’d hope she’d respect it.”
“The fact that she is HAPPY that he would choose not to go as opposed to letting him go without her, says a lot about this woman. And the fact that OP is willing to miss these events isn’t making him look great either.” – illini02
“Everyone is focusing on the mess or being told to clean a room when the last conversation is where the stuff that truly matters is. Op’s wife thinks OP would choose her over his son because he pretty much said so. She probably expects OP to drop most of the contact with his son when he turns 18, and she will be happy not to have to deal with the son anymore.”
“Does OP really think that even if his son invites her along with op that she will actually go?”
“I’d bet that something comes up where she can’t travel during those events (suddenly falls ill, has appointments, visiting parents, etc), and she tries to keep OP away from his kid, and if she manages to do this a few times, then there’s a good chance the son stops inviting them and is out of their lives for good. She’s happy because she thinks it’s only another year or two before the son is out of their lives.”
“Seriously, OP better show up to his son’s events regardless of if she is invited/able to go if he wants a relationship with his son.” – psychocoptor
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“I talked to my son today. I asked him if something had happened between the two of them prior to the above incident. I said I wasn’t looking for someone to blame, just to figure out the reason for the sudden shift.”
“He said there was one weird incident, but he didn’t know if it was related and wasn’t sure how I would react to hearing about it.”
“I asked him to tell me and promised I wouldn’t have a negative reaction.”
“Here, I have to provide context I didn’t think was relevant in the original post, but it turns out, it is. My ex-wife and I both grew up in bilingual homes as members of a minority culture and when we got married, our plan was to eventually move to our homeland once we were more stable financially. As I grew in my career, I felt less and less connected to our culture. I realized I didn’t want to go anywhere. I like it in America.”
“When my father died, my ex thought it was the perfect time to leave and that we should sell the house I inherited from him and use the proceeds to fund the move. I said I didn’t want to go anymore. That’s why we divorced and why she moved overseas.”
“Four years later, I met my current wife. By that time, I wasn’t engaging with the community I grew up with in any way other than facilitating my son’s involvement with it. My wife knows my heritage, but it’s never been an issue because I’ve essentially abandoned it.”
It seemed that the OP’s wife had more issues with her stepson’s upbringing than she’d previously let on.
“So here’s what my son told me happened last week. He was sitting with my four-year-old (my wife and I’s shared biological child) and teaching him a few words of our language.”
“My wife came into the room, saw him, called over the four-year-old, took him by the hand, and led him out of the room without a single word to my son. He said he could see the anger in her, even though she didn’t say anything to him.”
“I had trouble seeing the connection between the two events, but I decided to talk to her about it. She’d been in a great mood all day since we made up last night, so I thought she’d be okay with talking.”
“When I asked about the incident, she took a long time to answer. Finally, she said that she never agreed to marry a (word for someone of my background) and that when she saw that, she became afraid that our son, who is only four, would grow up thinking he was a (same word) because (oldest son) is and that’s confusing for a child.”
The OP was shocked by his wife’s impassioned response.
“I was kind of thrown, to be honest. I said I understood her point, but what is the harm in him learning a few words of another language? It’s doubtful he’ll remember them, and if he does, that’s just a sweet connection between him and his grandparents.”
“She said absolutely not. She said our kids are American, and they’re going to speak Englis,h and she won’t stand for my son teaching them ‘that crap.'”
“I was really hurt by this response, but I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. After all, this all started because she didn’t keep our agreement not to try to parent my son. So she’s entitled to expect me not to teach our kids about my background because I explicitly told her I didn’t care about that stuff anymore and wasn’t a part of that community anymore.”
“So I said okay. I said I just wish she had talked to me instead of lashing out at my son.”
“She said she was sorry for doing that, and in the future, if there was an issue like that, she’d come tell me.”
“I thanked her, and she said she was glad it all got resolved. I guess I am, too, but I feel a little disappointed that she feels so strongly about our son never learning about his heritage. His great-grandparents were immigrants with interesting stories, and maybe he won’t ever care about that, but maybe one day he will care and want to know.”
“I don’t think that’s so bad, but it isn’t worth another fight.”
Fellow Redditors were infuriated by how racist the OP’s wife was toward him and his son.
“Umm, well… this is certainly an update. And not one that I was expecting at all… Like dude, your wife is being RACIST towards you.” – Uncomfort-able-teach
“Dude, your wife is a MASSIVE GAPING RACIST! You’re an id**t and thinking with your d**k to see otherwise.” – Advanced-Pear-8988
“She is teaching your kids (perhaps unconsciously) to be ashamed of their heritage. Not cool. You are NTA for un-grounding your son, but it is incumbent on you to root out this weird xenophobic? Racist? streak in your wife’s parenting.” – Old_Check1076
“Holy s**t, ‘she never agreed to marry a (word for someone of my background).’ But she kind of did when she married him! Just because he isn’t deep into the community he comes from doesn’t change that. OP is crazy for subjecting his son and himself to that and doing a big disservice to his youngest.”
“‘So she’s entitled to expect me not to teach our kids about my background.’ No, no she isn’t. OP, you’re being a doormat.” – 0011002
“Your wife just told you that she’s racist and views your oldest Son as less than because of his race/heritage, and you’re just… OKAY with this? OMG.”
“But you’re okay because you chose to leave your heritage behind AND, of course, adopt her two boys and give her and them a better life! Please think about that!”
“Don’t you realize that you’ve now given your wife carte blanche to SABOTAGE any future visits with your Son when he goes away to University? All she has to do is make up a reason SHE can’t/won’t go, and you told her you won’t travel WITHOUT her, basically telling her that SHE means more than your Son. THAT’S why she’s so happy all of a sudden!” – JipC1963
The subReddit was shocked by the way the conversations between the OP and his wife progressed between the two posts.
They were genuinely concerned for his seventeen-year-old son and his future relationship with him.
Since the OP had “abandoned” his roots, it seemed to the subReddit that he was more “palatable” to his wife, while his seventeen-year-old son, still observing his heritage, was not and more than likely would not be welcome back in the house after he departed for college.
It seemed that if the OP wanted to maintain a relationship with his son, he’d have to do so in ways other than expecting his son to visit at home, because if his wife had anything to do with it, she’d keep coming up with more and more outlandish reasons for why it was actually a bad idea.