A lot of people in relationships complain about something their significant other doesn't do that they wish they did. But if their partner does try to fulfill their request imperfectly, is there an obligation to show appreciation for the effort?
Is it reasonable to refuse the gesture?
Who gets to decide?
A man who broke up with his girlfriend for refusing what he felt was a grand romantic gesture turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Unlikely_Light4863 asked:
"AITAH for breaking up with my girlfriend after she refused to go on a nice date I planned because it was on a Wednesday?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (27, male) recently hit a small gambling win and decided to do something special for my girlfriend (25, female).
"We have been together for almost a year and things have been good, but she always says she wants me to plan more thoughtful dates. So I booked us a reservation at this really nice restaurant she always talks about: hard to get into, amazing chef."
"I spent $800 total on the reservation, drinks included. It was for a Wednesday night because that was the only time I could get a table."
"I told her it would be a surprise, and when I finally revealed the plan, she looked disappointed. She said Wednesday was a bad day for her. She has work early the next morning, and she would rather do something on a Friday or Saturday."
"She said she would rather do 'a multi-event thing' like dinner then a show or bar hopping, and asked if I could cancel and reschedule."
"I explained that this was a special reservation and the timing could not be moved. Also, that I could not afford to do something like this without the recent gambling windfall."
"She said she appreciated the gesture but still would rather do something else on a weekend. No compromise, no let's make it work, just flat out no."
"That made me feel like nothing I did would ever be enough. Like it was more about the vibe than the effort."
"So I told her if this is how she reacts when I try to do something special, then maybe we're not right for each other. And I ended it."
"Now my friends are saying I overreacted, and I'm lowkey thinking I might have."
"AITAH for walking away over this?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were divided on their opinions about the OP's situation.
"ESH, you not asking what her schedule is like for the week. I understand it was a surprise, but I still could have seen what she had going on. Her, for not making an effort to try to comprise." ~ ilikesalad
"NTA. I get people have work, but for schedule occasions, you compromise. I've gotten reservations to exclusive restaurants and the WORST times and my girlfriend was always happy we were able to get a table." ~ Cartwheels500
"YTA—why didn't you just ask her for a time that worked for her? You spent $800 on a reservation without consulting with the person it was for? Also, did you get the money from gambling?"
"Expensive gifts do not equal thoughtful gifts. Thoughtful is being considerate of the other person's needs and wants. You didn't consider her needs to be at work and you didn't ask her when she would be available."
"Spending $800 on a dinner reservation is also not a very smart thing to do. You would've been better off planning a cheap picnic on a day that actually works for her. Instead, you're blaming her for losing money when all you had to do was ask if she was available." ~ unwaveringwish
"Take your Mom or Grandma or favorite Auntie out and Queen them for an evening." ~ Severe-Tradition-183
"ESH. I feel like after a year, you should kinda have a good feel for each other's schedule, but also maybe check to see if she would be free ahead of time, too?" ~ mrdumbazcanb
"My friends and family know I don't want to do anything if I have work the next day. I'm not going out then getting up at 4 AM."
"I'm going to bed around 8, non-negotiable unless I have a sick kid or something."
"It's weird to me that you're with this person and don't know their preferences on this kind of thing. It sounds like you're just not compatible socially. NTA, necessarily, but neither is she, really, so NAH." ~ nifterific
"Did you tell her you had a surprise for Wednesday? Or did you surprise her with the news and day together? How much notice did she have when she found out the plans?"
"Hard to say if it's an overreaction or if you're an a**hole, without more details. But, I'm leaning towards YTA."
"But, even so, you are allowed to break up with someone regardless of what we think. If it's not working for you, moving on is the thing to do." ~ authorinthesunset
"Yeah, I hate gifts and surprises because I don't like disappointing people or feeling like I owe them. I'd be so pissed if someone locked in an $800 reservation and made it my fault if we didn't go without any warning."
"You haven't given them a choice. You forced them into something and made sure the blame is on them when it was their investment and mistake to be made in the first place." ~ Staveoffsue
"The argument is that girlfriend should have been consulted. I don't know, people have to be warned that they're going to get surprises?"
"I understand she has to do stuff on Thursday, but you weren't just going to eat dinner, right? Not partying or having sex all night, right?"
"If people were having dinner night out only on weekends, restaurants wouldn't be open during the weekdays. In cities, people go out whatever day of the week, young people/students go out whatever days too."
"I feel that your girlfriend is a bit controlling and doesn't want to spend time with you alone. But I got that the money came from gambling, and the overreaction to break up on the spot, it sounds rather immature, so ESH to me." ~ Cannie5
"Short answer, NTA. My husband has made plans for us in the past that wouldn't have been my first choice, but I saw how much effort was put in & how excited he was to do something with me."
"You suck it up & enjoy the quality time with them (especially if you could not reschedule)."
"Now... fully breaking up with her. It feels a little harsh, but at the same time, for this to be reason enough for you, it seems like you've had underlying experiences that have made you feel unappreciated." ~ that_saltyblonde
"YTA for making an unbreakable expensive reservation without checking with her. That's just stupid, man." ~ Blathermouth
"The scheduling part is driving me crazy about this post. I'm very particular about planning and my calendar so maybe my view here is skewed, but like… why the f*ck would you not check if she works early the next day?"
"Literally all he had to say was, 'Hey, Wednesday night I'm planning a surprise for us, 6-10ish, is that OK for you?'."
"Either she has a consistent schedule and works early every weekday, in which case it's foolish to book a weeknight to begin with without consulting her about the time. Or she has a mutable schedule which is also something OP should've looked into first so she has time to ask for it off or get someone to cover her shift if needed."
"Worst case, she says it's not gonna work and he has to book another night. If he booked it before she had time to figure that out, why the f*ck would he spend $800 on a whim like that? That's just irresponsible in my opinion."
"This feels like an insane overreaction. From her 'I'd like if you planned more stuff for us' to his 'hey, I booked an $800 night for us without checking if you'd be available/OK with the date and time and it's non-refundable, can't reschedule' is ridiculous."
"She asked for a very small change, and he took it to an extreme degree, and is now saying sh*t like, 'Wow, nothing I do will ever be good enough, I guess'. Then broke up with her over it."
"Coming here asking if he's overreacting implies he might consider asking her to get back together. Personally I think she's better off with someone who understands at least the basic concept of a calendar."
"A 27-year-old should be mature enough for that. Good riddance." ~ EveryConvolution
"He won the money gambling (I assume), so he is impulsive. Which is why he booked everything ASAP with his win money without consulting her on her availability."
"Just like he impulsively broke up with her when his expectations weren't met."
"She would probably do better with someone more stable and less prone to making rash decisions they end up regretting all the time (and this seems to all have happened within 24 hrs or less)." ~ Sufficient_Tune_2638
Regardless of the opinion of Redditors, it sounds like the best thing for this relationship was to end it.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.