A lot of people in relationships complain about something their significant other doesn’t do that they wish they did. But if their partner does try to fulfill their request imperfectly, is there an obligation to show appreciation for the effort?
Is it reasonable to refuse the gesture?
Who gets to decide?
A man who broke up with his girlfriend for refusing what he felt was a grand romantic gesture turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Unlikely_Light4863 asked:
“AITAH for breaking up with my girlfriend after she refused to go on a nice date I planned because it was on a Wednesday?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (27, male) recently hit a small gambling win and decided to do something special for my girlfriend (25, female).
“We have been together for almost a year and things have been good, but she always says she wants me to plan more thoughtful dates. So I booked us a reservation at this really nice restaurant she always talks about: hard to get into, amazing chef.”
“I spent $800 total on the reservation, drinks included. It was for a Wednesday night because that was the only time I could get a table.”
“I told her it would be a surprise, and when I finally revealed the plan, she looked disappointed. She said Wednesday was a bad day for her. She has work early the next morning, and she would rather do something on a Friday or Saturday.”
“She said she would rather do ‘a multi-event thing’ like dinner then a show or bar hopping, and asked if I could cancel and reschedule.”
“I explained that this was a special reservation and the timing could not be moved. Also, that I could not afford to do something like this without the recent gambling windfall.”
“She said she appreciated the gesture but still would rather do something else on a weekend. No compromise, no let’s make it work, just flat out no.”
“That made me feel like nothing I did would ever be enough. Like it was more about the vibe than the effort.”
“So I told her if this is how she reacts when I try to do something special, then maybe we’re not right for each other. And I ended it.”
“Now my friends are saying I overreacted, and I’m lowkey thinking I might have.”
“AITAH for walking away over this?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were divided on their opinions about the OP’s situation.
“ESH, you not asking what her schedule is like for the week. I understand it was a surprise, but I still could have seen what she had going on. Her, for not making an effort to try to comprise.” ~ ilikesalad
“NTA. I get people have work, but for schedule occasions, you compromise. I’ve gotten reservations to exclusive restaurants and the WORST times and my girlfriend was always happy we were able to get a table.” ~ Cartwheels500
“YTA—why didn’t you just ask her for a time that worked for her? You spent $800 on a reservation without consulting with the person it was for? Also, did you get the money from gambling?”
“Expensive gifts do not equal thoughtful gifts. Thoughtful is being considerate of the other person’s needs and wants. You didn’t consider her needs to be at work and you didn’t ask her when she would be available.”
“Spending $800 on a dinner reservation is also not a very smart thing to do. You would’ve been better off planning a cheap picnic on a day that actually works for her. Instead, you’re blaming her for losing money when all you had to do was ask if she was available.” ~ unwaveringwish
“Take your Mom or Grandma or favorite Auntie out and Queen them for an evening.” ~ Severe-Tradition-183
“ESH. I feel like after a year, you should kinda have a good feel for each other’s schedule, but also maybe check to see if she would be free ahead of time, too?” ~ mrdumbazcanb
“My friends and family know I don’t want to do anything if I have work the next day. I’m not going out then getting up at 4 AM.”
“I’m going to bed around 8, non-negotiable unless I have a sick kid or something.”
“It’s weird to me that you’re with this person and don’t know their preferences on this kind of thing. It sounds like you’re just not compatible socially. NTA, necessarily, but neither is she, really, so NAH.” ~ nifterific
“Did you tell her you had a surprise for Wednesday? Or did you surprise her with the news and day together? How much notice did she have when she found out the plans?”
“Hard to say if it’s an overreaction or if you’re an a**hole, without more details. But, I’m leaning towards YTA.”
“But, even so, you are allowed to break up with someone regardless of what we think. If it’s not working for you, moving on is the thing to do.” ~ authorinthesunset
“Yeah, I hate gifts and surprises because I don’t like disappointing people or feeling like I owe them. I’d be so pissed if someone locked in an $800 reservation and made it my fault if we didn’t go without any warning.”
“You haven’t given them a choice. You forced them into something and made sure the blame is on them when it was their investment and mistake to be made in the first place.” ~ Staveoffsue
“The argument is that girlfriend should have been consulted. I don’t know, people have to be warned that they’re going to get surprises?”
“I understand she has to do stuff on Thursday, but you weren’t just going to eat dinner, right? Not partying or having sex all night, right?”
“If people were having dinner night out only on weekends, restaurants wouldn’t be open during the weekdays. In cities, people go out whatever day of the week, young people/students go out whatever days too.”
“I feel that your girlfriend is a bit controlling and doesn’t want to spend time with you alone. But I got that the money came from gambling, and the overreaction to break up on the spot, it sounds rather immature, so ESH to me.” ~ Cannie5
“Short answer, NTA. My husband has made plans for us in the past that wouldn’t have been my first choice, but I saw how much effort was put in & how excited he was to do something with me.”
“You suck it up & enjoy the quality time with them (especially if you could not reschedule).”
“Now… fully breaking up with her. It feels a little harsh, but at the same time, for this to be reason enough for you, it seems like you’ve had underlying experiences that have made you feel unappreciated.” ~ that_saltyblonde
“YTA for making an unbreakable expensive reservation without checking with her. That’s just stupid, man.” ~ Blathermouth
“The scheduling part is driving me crazy about this post. I’m very particular about planning and my calendar so maybe my view here is skewed, but like… why the f*ck would you not check if she works early the next day?”
“Literally all he had to say was, ‘Hey, Wednesday night I’m planning a surprise for us, 6-10ish, is that OK for you?’.”
“Either she has a consistent schedule and works early every weekday, in which case it’s foolish to book a weeknight to begin with without consulting her about the time. Or she has a mutable schedule which is also something OP should’ve looked into first so she has time to ask for it off or get someone to cover her shift if needed.”
“Worst case, she says it’s not gonna work and he has to book another night. If he booked it before she had time to figure that out, why the f*ck would he spend $800 on a whim like that? That’s just irresponsible in my opinion.”
“This feels like an insane overreaction. From her ‘I’d like if you planned more stuff for us’ to his ‘hey, I booked an $800 night for us without checking if you’d be available/OK with the date and time and it’s non-refundable, can’t reschedule’ is ridiculous.”
“She asked for a very small change, and he took it to an extreme degree, and is now saying sh*t like, ‘Wow, nothing I do will ever be good enough, I guess’. Then broke up with her over it.”
“Coming here asking if he’s overreacting implies he might consider asking her to get back together. Personally I think she’s better off with someone who understands at least the basic concept of a calendar.”
“A 27-year-old should be mature enough for that. Good riddance.” ~ EveryConvolution
“He won the money gambling (I assume), so he is impulsive. Which is why he booked everything ASAP with his win money without consulting her on her availability.”
“Just like he impulsively broke up with her when his expectations weren’t met.”
“She would probably do better with someone more stable and less prone to making rash decisions they end up regretting all the time (and this seems to all have happened within 24 hrs or less).” ~ Sufficient_Tune_2638
Regardless of the opinion of Redditors, it sounds like the best thing for this relationship was to end it.