Giving someone weight loss "advice" is tricky.
Even when people ask for it, it's never easy to give.
Weight is a personal and sometimes emotionally volatile subject.
Oftentimes, advice can feel like shame.
Redditor u/hanamaria777 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for giving my girlfriend the harsh weight loss motivation she asked for who is now upset that I gave it?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My G[irl]F[riend] has been wanting to lose weight for a while."
"She's not even overweight at all; she just doesn’t eat healthy or take care of herself, which I don’t mind, but it’s important to her, and I want her to be healthy."
"I couldn’t care less about how she looks, and she looks completely normal."
"She took up a routine for two weeks, then gave up and told me to leave it whenever I brought it up again."
"I respected her wishes."
"Today, she was complaining about her weight again and said she doesn’t know why she’s not losing any, and I said, 'Can I be honest?'”
"Which she replied to with, 'Yes, please be harsh; I need you to be mean and bully me into this.'”
"The following is what I sent her in a text message..."
”Okay, well then, if you want me to be honest, then here: you have taken no initiative even to lose weight; you quite literally just gave up after three weeks, calling every single day a cheat day.'"
"'I tell you all the time to work out for at least thirty minutes, 5 or more days a week, but I am a little confused if, when you DO work out, you’re even doing anything because you can barely speed-walk for one minute to my car in the mall parking lot- but somehow you can do an effective workout 'easy,' as you say?'"
"That shouldn’t be happening if you’re doing them long enough and correctly.'"
"There’s no such thing as cheat meals every day; it’s all just excuses and justifications your brain makes to make you feel less bad about not doing what you said you were going to do, because honestly, you’re not even on a diet, even though you claim to be.'"
"'You order fast food almost every day despite me saying that I will be cooking dinner most days."'
"'You gave up on yourself but are complaining about it.'"
"'And I know you’re busy with work, and so am I, but I still find an hour to go to the gym every day despite working 10 hours daily.'"
"'With the amount of time I see you spend scrolling on social media and complaining about food, you could be going to the gym.'"
"'I know this sounds harsh, but I am giving you exactly what you asked from me.'"
"You know I love you more than anything and love you exactly how you are.'"
"'I’m doing this so YOU can feel more confident and healthy.'"
"She is now very upset with me and says I was being too harsh despite her asking me to 'borderline bully her' for motivation."
"I am so confused right now."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Was I being an a**hole in that message?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the a**hole.
"That was a character assassination; how could you read that before sending it and think it was motivational?"
"You didn't say one positive thing. YTA." ~ Secret_Manager8161
"Yeah, most people only know 'discipline motivation' from coaches who were just aholes and used that as a deflection."
"Harsh but fair is an art, and OP basically just used it as cover for a diatribe."
"Positives and direction are essential, and OP seemingly gave neither." ~ juanzy
"I agree, this was not motivating at all; he just aired out the laundry list of every single negative thing he's noticed (and apparently memorized) that she's done or not done."
"She sounds like a real lazy piece of work and thinks talking about and acting are the same thing, and yes, I would get sick of listening to her, but no way he had to go down the checklist of every single thing she's tried and failed at since the dawn of time."
"He could have dipped his toe into the shallow end of the pool by mentioning one or two things, but noooooo... he had to go nuclear option right off the bat." ~ jasperjonns
"YTA. Next question."
"Why would you, in your right mind, accept any request to be disrespectful to your girlfriend?" ~ ichigopomu
"YTA... because that should have been an in-person conversation, not a text message."
"Voice, tone, emotion, and compassion are all lost over text."
"If you had made this a conversation, you probably would have been cut off after the third sentence, and you could then reel in the intensity a bit."
"Just because someone thinks they want 'the brutal truth' doesn't mean that's what they actually want." ~ Loshi777
"I mean, what did you think was going to happen when you hit send?"
"If you truly want to help her, offer criticism constructively and give some positive encouragement along with it."
"For someone who says his GF isn’t carrying any extra weight and you don’t care if she diets, you sure do have a laundry list of critical observations to unload on her, though." ~ shrimpandshooflypie
"YTA. You can be honest."
"This is literally my field at work."
"When people ask me to be honest, I don’t just go straight for the throat."
"It’s a simple 'You aren’t being consistent with your diet and exercise. You need to start by changing one small thing: 15 minutes of bodyweight exercises and walking a day, and one less day of takeout, and slowly pile on the victories,' which addresses the same issues but doesn’t feel like a character assassination."
"You make it sound like you 'Don’t care,' but based on the tone there’s some obvious pent-up feelings here."
"So yes, you’re T A."
"When someone wants your honest opinion, you don’t need to write a thesis." ~ basroil
"Gonna say YTA."
"'I’m doing this so YOU can feel more confident and healthy.'
"I don't see how that message could possibly make anyone feel motivated or positive towards their health."
"You just sent her a rant."
"If someone tells you to 'bully' them... just don't. It's never needed."
"You basically just took out all your frustrations with her in one message."
"And the way you worded some of it comes across pretty nasty..."
'I am a little confused: if, when you DO work out, you’re even doing anything because u can barely speed-walk for one minute to my car in the mall parking lot- but somehow you can do an effective workout 'easy' as you say?'"
"Was this needed?"
"Could you not just have said, 'maybe you need a more effective workout, such as seeing a PT or going to some exercise classes.'"
"Did you need to insult her because she doesn't 'speed walk'?"
"Also... 2-3 weeks might simply not be long enough to see a weight shift."
"Women get some mad fluctuations." ~ happybanana134
"YTA. 1st of all, dumb to send it in a text message, which she can read for months or the rest of her life, even instead of having b*lls to just say it to her face where she can get over it quickly."
"Then you sent her a long-as* essay bashing her instead of the 2-3 sentences max that was needed."
"Why the hell did you need to go on so long?" ~ Proper_Hunter_9641
"YTA because nothing you said was actually helpful or motivating."
"It sounds like you heard your GF give you a pass to be cruel, and you couldn't wait to use it."
"Also, 'I don't care about her looks, I just want her to be healthy' is almost always bullsh*t."
"Maybe you should give yourself a dose of this brutal honesty you're so eager to serve to her." ~ Sad-Contribution2134
"Never be honestly harsh with someone you care about, even when they insist on it."
"99% of the time, it will backfire on you, and you’ll end up with a foot in your mouth." ~ rainbowchid
"Also, why are you doing this through text, where she can read this over and over, share it with her friends, and ruminate about it?"
"YTA. Communicate like an adult." ~ MarsupialsRule
OP had some updates...
"Yes, I am autistic, yes I truly think she is beautiful just the way she is."
"She was asking me to be mean after months of me being softly 'motivational' about it and it not working, so I thought if I was mean, maybe I was finally giving her what she needed."
"No, I do not think this is low of her; I just tried to be extra rude, given it is exactly what she asked me to do."
"In the past, she has gotten upset at me for not doing enough or being harsh enough when mentioning she wants to lose weight."
"I have refused to say anything of this sort up until today because I do not want to hurt her."
"She would constantly tell me that she needs someone to be mean to her about it, and I LITERALLY have said: 'I’m not going to be that person.'"
Reddit has some issues with your choices, OP.
Hard truths can still be delivered with some grace.
Maybe next time try to ease her into your thoughts.
Good Luck.
