A division of labor in your household might look different to different people. One spouse might do all of a task, while in another household, the responsibility is split between the two people.
But what happens when you don't feel like the other spouse is doing their part equally? Redditor frank_the_bean is enduring that exact situation at the moment.
The original poster (OP) explains the issue he's having with his wife and their division of cooking duties. OP thinks she's not putting in enough effort, and especially not as much as he puts in.
To figure out if he said something wrong, he decided to ask the "Am I the A**hole" subReddit the titular question.
And he needs to explain exactly what's going on.
"AITA for getting mad that my wife wanted to serve me plain pasta for dinner"
How is the labor divided between the two adults?
"I (husband) usually make all the meals in the household. I told my wife I was going to make dinner tonight, but she said she was planning to - ok, that's fine."
"So, I go back to work on my laptop. She comes into the room and I ask her what she's making and she says leftover roast chicken and spaghetti."
"Me: Oh, you're going to make it with sauce?"
"Her: No, she says just plain spaghetti."
"Me: Ok, so, why wouldn't you make some sauce for it? No one eats just plain spaghetti."
"Her: Sure you can, just eat it. What's wrong with eating plain spaghetti?"
"I told her to do whatever, but I wouldn't serve her just plain spaghetti noodles. So, I know it seems like maybe a dumb thing to get upset about, but she insisted on making dinner."
"By making dinner, she intended to warm up the roast chicken, which we got from Costco, and warm up the noodles, which were actually leftover when I made us chicken carbonara."
"I was further frustrated because a few days ago she agreed to make dinner while I spent the afternoon and early evening cleaning out the garage."
"The task wouldn't have allowed me time to prepare dinner. I entered the house tired and extremely hungry."
"It turns out she made food for herself and the kids, but she had planned for me to eat the leftover spaghetti (with sauce and chicken) I had made the day before."
"It was still in the fridge and in the container, and I opened it to heat it up, and there was like barely any pasta in there for a kids' meal, which meant I had to now prepare dinner for myself when I was already tired and hungry."
"She said she thought there had been more in the container."
"I did get upset and told her I wouldn't serve her plain noodles, because when I make meals for her, I try my best to make something she'd like to eat - all the time, because I take pride in that."
"I told her it was insulting because it's like telling someone you'll make them pizza, but just serve them the crust. I dunno ... that's not pizza, is it?"
"I tried to have her see she wouldn't serve her own sister plain spaghetti, but she insisted she would and have no problem with that. I honestly don't believe that. I told her that would be embarrassing."
"I can't tell whether she is being serious that she believes it's acceptable to serve people plain spaghetti, or she's digging in her heels because she won't admit she was just being lazy."
"To add:"
"1. I got mad at my wife for serving me plain spaghetti noodles for dinner."
"2. Not sure if I should accept her belief that it is okay and socially acceptable to serve people plain spaghetti noodles for dinner or if she is just being lazy and I should take it to be insulting behaviour on her part. Do I need to be more understanding?"
OP is justifying his frustration because he believes he puts more effort into cooking when he does it. But just because he didn't like what she cooked, does it mean she actually did a bad job?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for what he said to his wife by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
After OP's post, some commenters still couldn't decide who was in the wrong. The situation was more complex than OP was making it out to be.
So they asked for a little more information.
"INFO By plain spaghetti noodles do you maybe mean spaghetti without spaghetti like sauce? For instance I use spaghetti noodles sometimes, and will add olive oil, garlic, sautéed squash maybe add some grape tomatoes and top it with parmesan."
"I don't think that's what you are saying, you probably mean just the noodles, but I wanted some clarification there"
"If it's really just the noodles then obviously NTA and she is being very rude and inconsiderate." - RNwashington
"Literally dry, stuck together noodles, leftover from when I made chicken carbonara a few days ago. And, I should add she does know how to make spaghetti with sauce as she's done it before." - frank_the_bean (OP)
After the update and some debate, people agreed that OP was NTA. OP's wife agreed to make dinner, and in one instance just reheated plain noodles, and in another, left OP to make his own food.
This is especially egregious because OP normally makes all the meals, and OP's wife volunteered to make dinner this time.
"NTA and I'm surprised so many people think OP is TA… did no one else read the part about how she also agreed to cook dinner while he cleaned the garage, then proceeds to cook herself and the kids dinner and leave him with less than a serve of leftovers?"
"Anyway, if he makes an effort to regularly cook decent meals for her, I'd be pissed too if my partner presented me with plain f***ing noodles and called it dinner." - pigeoncatdog
"NTA."
"Your wife didn't make a meal, she boiled some noodles."
"Sounds like your wife has a bad case of learned incompetence. She must be absolutely desperate to never make dinner again." - frogger_mcdogger
"Just plain dry cooked spaghetti??? NTA. I throw stuff like that together to use up leftovers but I at least toss the noodles with butter and parmesan."
"Weaponized incompetence is not gender specific as you are learning." - Secret-Werewolf1942
"NTA and I'm shocked at anyone who says you are."
"Just add blah blah blah. That's making dinner. Wife insisted on making dinner. Reminds me of the story 'Stone Soup'."
"As for heating up the leftovers, if she said she was going to make dinner, she should have."
"When my gf and I started dating, we had very different ideas of what dinner actually was. She'd be happy with popcorn most nights, I insist on a full meal. I would never consider plain noodles as dinner." - NotHisRealName
"This is a valid point. I remember my brother's friend coming over for dinner one night in high school. My mom had cooked a full meal (meat, veg, salad, potato)."
"It was normal for us. The friend was amazed."
"When my mom asked what she usually did for dinner her reply was 'well last night I had ham' my mom asked 'with what?' And the answer was 'ketchup.'"
"Depending on how somebody grew up words like 'cooking' and 'meal' are wildly subjective." - supergeek921
"NTA - Who eats plain spaghetti??? (Excluding those with sensory issues) At the very least she could've gotten some passata, onions, bit of garlic, and some veg & mushrooms- thrown it all together for like a chicken pasta bake."
"No one eats plain pasta… no no no. I'd of been upset too OP and I wouldn't of eaten it as a result." - redreadyredress
However, for some, this led to a deeper debate about the relationship. Is OP biased because he feels he puts more into the relationship? Is there context we might be missing?
We can't be entirely sure.
"There's more to this than this meal. You feel like you pull more weight than her in the relationship."
"It's impossible for us to know based on this spaghetti-specific post whether that's true." - catzrob89
"Not really. OP cooks for his wife all the time, and the two times she wanted to cook she did not make anything for her husband, who worked all day."
"The second time she did not cook at all. She made straight noodles and warmed up chicken."
"OP doesn't think he pulls more weight, OP thinks he cares more than his wife. And he's right. He puts effort into meals, does things for his family. His wife warms up chicken." - ShaggyUI44
"That's an absurd accusation to make without knowing anything else about their division of labor. Cooking is not the only way 'do things for your family'." - Temporary_Badger
"I have to concur this is a really dangerous line to cross when you start painting your own picture of things based solely on this one example of less than a handful of interaction. It's definitely indicative of more information being needed as far as I can tell." - boomerangthrowaway
OP and his wife need to have a talk and set expectations with each other. Maybe OP is being too demanding, and maybe the wife is being a little lazy.
But they won't be able to get on the same page without communicating.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.