Being bullied online has become a sad fact about life on the internet for many, but no one expects that bullying to come from the person whom you trust most in the world.
On an anonymous account created specifically to tell this story, a woman approached Reddit's "Relationship Advice" forum to ask what she should do after discovering her boyfriend had been secretly bullying her on the internet for months.
She titled her post "My boyfriend (19M) has been bullying me online. I feel sick to my stomach"
"This is obviously an alt, but on my real account, I post pictures on a few makeup subs. I get nice comments but I always get rude messages about how my makeup is looking disgusting and I'm ugly and makeup can't help an ugly face."
"That I should kill my self and looking at my photo made them wanna throw up. I even got some scary messages saying they knew where I lived and they sent me my full name and birthday and college I go to. That was really terrifying."
"Every comment of mine was also downvoted. Someone was doing this to me and it really hurt my feelings."
"I tried not to take it personally because I thought they didn't even know anything about me. I tried deleting and making new accounts but they always found me."
"Well my boyfriend was asleep and I saw the Reddit app so I wanted to see his profile so I could stalk him. I found his real account and I found a couple other accounts too."
"He was sending me the messages and down voting everything I'd post."
"I feel so horrified. I've gone to him so many times crying about these messages, especially the ones saying they knew my personal info and telling me they vomited after seeing my photos."
"He'd comfort me and all that. I feel so scared."
"I don't know what to do. And Alex if you find this, I hate you."
DollFace knew exactly what OP should do.
"Don't even f***ing tell him you know, just bounce! Leave and never look back. Block on all platforms, change your number the whole 9. This is some next level emotional abuse and I wouldnt give him the opportunity to manipulate me and gaslight me any further by confronting him. Scary."
iWarnock thought all the people calling the boyfriend's behavior a "red flag" were understating things a bit.
"Boy the red flags were gone a long time ago, this is full volume blasting horn impending nuclear armageddon throw the bannana you were having for breakfast pick up the dog while yelling incomprehensible languages while running to a shelter. RUN OP."
wigglebuttbiscuits agreed.
"Seriously, calling this a red flag is like watching your house burn down and going 'oh I think I hear the smoke detector'"
sam_neil felt like he had heard something like this before...
"Yeah, this is literally the D.E.N.N.I.S. System."
rapunzel2018's message was clear: GET. OUT.
"Move out, dump him immediately. I would not confront him in private about it. He has some deep underlying psychological issues."
utack hoped no one else would have to deal with this boyfriend ever again.
"Please put a orange warning sticker on him too, so anyone in the future can avoid him. I am seriously afraid he might one day find someone who accepts this"
loring96 tried to understand what might drive a person to act the way the boyfirend did.
"Regarding those deep issues; he likely feels that by attacking you anonymously, you'll find comfort in him and vice versa, however it's still incredibly manipulative and shows a level of either emotional immaturity that won't work in a relationship or worse sociopathy in which he doesn't care about you at all and is using this as entertainment"
JordanArsenalfc1 came up with a similar motivation.
"I think in a sick/twisted way your boyfriend enjoyed it when you were vulnerable and went to him for help?? This is definitely a situation you need to get out of ASAP."
caramelpinapple has been somewhere similar.
"I had a boyfriend who was "turned on by emotional intimacy." To him, this meant trying to have sex with me when I was crying after a fight. Or when I was hungover and feeling s***ty. Crying and feeling upset and getting felt up at the same time is one of the worst feelings ever. F*** guys who get turned on by hurt women."
marmalade has had enough of toxic behavior from figures that are supposed to support you.
"People poison their kids over years because they like the attention they get by being the parent of a chronically sick child. I'd say this is in a similar boat, but I bet if you outed the boyfriend he'd have a litany of excuses as to how online stuff doesn't matter. OP: unsubscribe."
dlukz knew exactly what the boyfriend would say once he was confronted.
"'How dare you go through my phone. You are in the wrong for breaking our trust. How can I ever trust you for what you did! Everything that was said online was a joke babe. If you leave me I'll slash your tires and key your car!'"
Infrastation summed the situation up pretty succinctly.
"It's called Hero Syndrome: putting people in harm's way in a manner you know you can diffuse and later help. Criminally there's about a couple dozen cases a year, but it's possible that uncaught or non-criminal Hero Syndrome might be more common."
The book Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People is available here to offer advice on healing after an emotionally abusive relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.