Some would consider finding the perfect roommate a fool's errand.
Ideally, one hopes to find someone reliable, easy to talk to, respectful of boundaries and shared spaces, who shares your hobbies and interests.
But in reality, it's hard not to find a roommate with whom you don't share at least one major point of contention.
Redditor Beingbtchy initially hit it off quite well with her roommate.
But things took a turn when this roommate made a major lifestyle change, and expected the original poster (OP) to follow suit.
But the OP was not on board with this request, leading to a major strain on their friendship.
Worried that she was at fault for their estrangement, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for flipping out on my roommate when she tried to ban drinking and alcohol from our apartment?"
The OP first explained how her roommate tended to make shifts reflecting her current boyfriends, and this time she expected the OP to join her in this lifestyle change.
"I (26 F[emale]) have lived with my friend, we will call her A (27 f[emale]) for a few years now."
"We have always had fun and typically get along super well."
"A has a tendency to be what I like to call a relationship chameleon."
"Whoever she is currently dating she starts to mimic their likes and behaviors."
"This guy she has been dating for maybe two months apparently went through rehab for alcoholism and has been in recovery for a few years now."
"I know getting sober isn't easy and I respect the strength that it takes to work through that."
"Well a couple of weeks ago A announced she is giving up alcohol in solidarity with him."
"Okay cool, she's never been a big drinker so no big deal."
"She became a vegan for the last guy because he was, she went right back to meat as soon as he ended things."
"The time before she talked about converting to Judaism because 'when they have kids' the mother had to be Jewish etc .etc."
"None of her other relationship trends have ever effected me or my lifestyle."
"Right after announcing her newly sober lifestyle she starts being judgmental and pushy."
"We have a bar cart that was pretty pricey that's well stocked, she told me we need to get rid of it."
"I said absolutely not."
"She then said I can keep it but it needs to go in my room."
"Once again no, we live in the city bedrooms are small."
"I only drink on weekends because my work is intense & wake early."
"A bunch of us were out to dinner and she complained we were making her uncomfortable for having drinks and said we should respect her."
"The final straw was last night."
"My boyfriend (bf) came over, A was out with her bf, and I made us a super nice meal he brought over nice wine."
"A and her bf came home early, he goes into her room and she freaks out saying how she told me she has banned alcohol from our apartment."
"I snapped and told her she is ridiculous this is my apartment and that when this guy eventually gets sick of her she will be drinking again."
"I also told her I was sick of her sh*t and that the apartment was in my name only, I lived here with another friends prior and she needs to move out."
"She grabbed sober bf and stormed out."
"I can't keep living like this."
"AITA for snapping on her and telling her to move out?"
"I can afford my place solo the stress she is causing isn't worth it."
"She apparently started a group text with all of our mutual friends with a distorted version of what happened saying I went crazy and kicked her out."
"My phone blew up with messages with people mad at me and I had to tell people what actually happened."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for losing her temper with her roommate.
Everyone agreed that the OP's roommate was being completely unreasonable, particularly as it was the OP's apartment, and that she had no right to tell the OP how she had to live her life.
"She either needs to live alone or understand she doesn't run the world."
"This is not like you are renting a room from her house."
"NTA."
"She needed a reality check."-NiteGrimwood
"Absolutely NTA."
"She was acting like she herself was in recovery, which is bullsh*t."
"She doesn't have a drinking problem so there's no reason for her to ban it from YOUR home."-ToastylilToast
"NTA."
"Like you said, this is your apartment also."
"Any decisions like that need to be made between the two of you, not just made by decree from one."
"It's fine for her to stop drinking in solidarity with her boyfriend."
"What isn't fine is when she tries to force it on everyone around her."- bamf1701
"NTA, and I'm stealing the term relationship chameleon."
"I have a former friend that acts the same way and it's exhausting."-HoenessRaus
"NTA you have outgrown this roommate."- hippychick1111
"NTA."
"There isn't a universe in which you're the a**hole."
"If it was something you agreed on when moving in the same apartment, it would be a different situation."
"People can't just make rules up as they go."
"I always get a bit sad when I see women who think they need to completely emulate their partner."
"Girl, no."- MiruTheSloth
"NTA, she can't just expect you to change your whole way of living because she has decided to mirror this new boyfriend like she has others before him, sounds like she is quite the follower."
"What if her next boyfriend is some type of neo- nazi?"
"Enough is enough, you don't need this type of immaturity."
"Clearly she has very low self esteem and puts whomever she is sleeping with or dating before you, showing you no respect."- jibbergirl26
"NTA."
"Tell everyone the story of her crazy self, and if they feel they can deal with her, they can offer her a place to stay."- GroundbreakingPhoto4
"NTA."
"If he can't handle seeing a bottle of wine nearby, his recovery is not very strong."
"Alcohol is everywhere."
"Recovery is an internal commitment, not changing your environment to never see a triggering thing again."
"I gave up drinking and my spouse has bottles of wine and sometimes drinks at home."
"It's fine, my recovery is about me and my own commitment to myself, not about never seeing a cocktail again."- chzsteak-in-paradise
"NTA."
"The 'relationship chameleon' is an excellent way to phrase what A. and so many others I've known, do when dating."
"It is frustrating as hell, especially when they push these new behaviors onto others for the short term, and, as you point out, they go right back to their previous behavior when the relationship ends."
"NTA at all for just being done with A trying to dictate what you can and can't do in your home."-voluntold9276
"NTA."
"There's are very few people who would be willing to put up with her BS of changing for each new bf, what's she going to do if she gets a short bf , cut her legs off to be short too."
"She's ridiculous in her demands and needs her own place, so she can live by whatever standards her bfs desire at any given moment."- bertiebastard
"I know someone like this! "
"Although she has never forced her revolving door personalities on anyone else."
"We dated in high school and she became a metal head to fit in."
"Started practicing bass guitar."
"Next was a Chinese actor."
"She started shopping for agents, redecorated the bathroom with Chinese letters and deco, started wearing Chinese dresses."
"Next guy was a costume vampire for scare parks, but maintained his vamp persona and look most of the time."
"She of course also became a vampire."
"So many uniforms over time, it's wild."
"Anyway... NTA."- SanguumRides
The OP eventually gave an update to where her relationship with her roommate currently stood.
"So I have texted her twice since this morning, I haven't seen her after our argument and her leaving."
"I am thinking she blocked me because none of the iMessages are showing 'read' like they typically do but I am not tech savvy so I am not sure."
"I went to send her a message through FB messenger because I want to sit down tonight and talk and she unfriended and blocked me apparently."
"What the f*ck does this accomplish?"
"I am fortunate that I am WFH today so I mean she has to come back at some point."
"You know that wine she was so mad about?"
"I wish I wasn't working because I would like a glass right now."
"The level of immaturity here is insane."
One never wants to see two friends become estranged.
But maybe a little time apart from each other might be the best thing for the OP and this roommate.
Where hopefully the OP's roommate can see what her controlling behavior might lead to.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.