Bodies.
We all have one.
Our feelings on them vary wildly from person to person, and sometimes day to day, but we're all in the same boat.
What happens, though, when someone goes out of their way to shame you for how you choose to dress yours?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) faechiir when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for outside opinions.
She asked:
"AITA for wearing "revealing clothes" at the fitness center?"
OP began by restating the question and giving a bit of a history.
"AITA for running shirtless at the fitness center?"
"I (21 female) currently live in a complex that has it's own fitness center. It's not much, but it's got a bunch of treadmills and is perfect for when I go running."
"The issue is, I overheat incredibly easy when I run. I'll be perfectly fine, no struggling, and still look like a sweaty tomato."
"No big deal, but it does mean I tend to go shirtless."
"I know that sports bras and leggings/shorts are fairly standard at gyms, but this fitness center has a playground right out back so I double-checked with staff and they said it's fine."
"Usually, I'm the only one there so I run (haha) into zero issues, but sometimes later in the day people will come with their kids."
"This one woman in particular has given me a nasty glare a few times but I brush it off and keep doing my thing."
Everything was fine, until...
"But yesterday, she finally approached me while I was packing up and told me that I was being inappropriate and setting a bad example for the kids by running in such an outfit."
"For reference, I tend to run in a sports bra and running shorts."
"The sports bra covers my chest down to the bottom of my ribcage (no cleavage or anything, not that I have the chest for it to begin with) but I do wear the shorts about an inch or two below my belly button."
"Partially because I hate elastic on my stomach, partially because it gives me more length. Long story short, there's nothing showing. No boobs. no a*s, just some midriff and leg."
"I tried to tell her that I okayed it with staff and was just here to work out, but she told me that I needed to be more considerate of the fact that there are children around."
"While I get what she's saying, I feel like it's a bit ridiculous."
"My t*ts aren't hanging out, my a*s isn't bare, there's nothing inappropriate about it (not that any outfit should be grounds for harassment)."
"I don't know, I've tried to run in leggings and shirts made specifically for sweating, but I hate the feeling of sweaty fabric and still overheat like crazy."
OP just had to wonder.
"But if I really am the a**hole, I can consider dealing with it or finding another time. So, AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses were logical.
"NTA"
"Kids see more skin than that walking around any decent sized city. Or turning on the TV. Or opening a magazine. Shorts and a sports bra is fine." ~ poeadam
"NTA."
"1. Not her business what you wear."
"2. Even if I agreed with the sentiment that you could be scarring delicate young minds (and I don't), there shouldn't be young kids in the fitness center anyway and I wouldn't be surprised to find it's age restricted for liability purposes." ~ murdocjones
"NTA"
"What you're wearing is both legal, and appropriate for your activity."
"It's also fine for children to see — if there was a pool next to the playground, would that mom think people couldn't wear swimsuits there?"
"This sort of clothing policing is ridiculous." ~ AceyAceyAcey
Honestly, I'm just including this one for the use of 'butt lobes'.
"NTA."
"You asked the building and it sounds like you aren't running with your t*ts or ass out, so it is her problem."
"I wonder if she would have an issue with a man running in just shorts or is it just women?"
"I have seen far less while outside running (man just wearing a loin cloth which showed his butt lobes)."
"Don't feel ashamed for wearing what you do. It is her issue and she needs to not be so ashamed of the human body." ~ kitkatrue
Of course, there were personal stories.
"I lived in a similar situation to OP, also can lose 5 to 10 pounds when I go running from sweat so I ran shirtless at my apartments fitness center for years."
"Never had anyone mention it to me over like three years. Now I'm wondering if being a guy has anything to do with it." ~ Relevant_Analysis_63
"I live in a college town with an absolutely massive running culture."
"Your outfit is what about 60% of the female runners wear."
"The woman at the gym is unhinged."
"She'd have to lock her kids up at home to avoid seeing women in sports bras and running shorts around here."
"NTA" ~ Dennis_Ogre
"I have two kids and wear basically what OP wears on a daily basis."
"Guess who doesn't care and has honestly never noticed aside from a 'oh cute shorts mom'?"
"Kids don't have a problem with bodies or clothes unless an adult is TELLING them to have a problem with bodies and clothes. Which just leads to so many issues for them in the future." ~ Woodnote_
"So quick story- I have children ranging from toddlers-teens and we often frequent our gated neighborhood pool, as do many of our neighbors of all different ages."
"The trend of the high-waisted bikini that shows off a ton of your booty is big at our pool, and it's not my favorite look, but guess what?"
"I DONT SAY A WORD."
"No, I don't think my children's precious little souls are not going to be irreversibly scarred by seeing women wearing things I myself wouldn't."
"No my children do not automatically think they are allowed to dress similarly because they saw some stranger doing so."
"No these women's attire isn't to my taste but they are AT THE POOL, so even though there are children present, that really has nothing to do with them."
"^ see what I'm saying there?"
"This stuff really bothers me because it's a COMMUNAL area."
"She is not the clothing police."
"Having children does not make us more powerful nor holier than thou and thus able to dictate what strangers who my children might see wear."
"You're a grown woman wearing workout clothes to work out in a gym. You're not her child's teacher wearing a bikini to class."
"NTA. She however, very much is." ~ InternalExcitement23
Responses pointed out that the problem wasn't with OP at all.
"NTA."
"You asked the staff and got the OK to wear that outfit."
"Also, it's a lot less revealing than what those kids would see at the beach or a public pool, or even on TV."
"You need to be comfortable while working out."
"And you don't need to change what you're doing because children might see you. You aren't being inappropriate in any way,"
"Just ignore the pearl-clutching drama queen. If she continues to bother you, speak up to the staff at the fitness center." ~ MerryMoose923
"NTA"
"Let's be honest."
"The kids don't care."
"The staff doesn't care, the other gym goers surely do not care about your perfectly normal workout attire."
"This strange woman who came up to you is the only one who cares and she is using her children as a justification to pester you."
"Sometimes people yell weird stuff at me when I'm jogging, but don't bother me when I'm walking down the same street."
"It's some kind of weird envy or anger that someone is exercising while they just sit around. Makes no sense, but they sometimes express that anger at the person who made them feel bad."
"Wear what you want and report it if this woman keeps bothering you." ~ RebelWithoutASauce
Commenters felt that there were other motives at play.
"NTA."
"Sounds like entitled mom is a wee bit jealous of your runners body."
"She needs to mind her own business and stop harassing you for exercising in building gym. She can stay home if she's so offended" ~ MissKrys2020
"NTA. I'm gonna put a little money down that her husband also works out in that fitness center." ~
WhoIsYerWan
While we all have bodies, no two are exactly the same.
This isn't just true for the form either, but our sensibilities and our comforts are also as unique as our fingerprints.
Be wary of someone trying to force their sensibilities onto you, particularly when they wrap the "concern" in the guise of protecting someone else.
Be who you are, dress in the way that makes you the most comfortable in whatever situation you find yourself in.
Be daring, or daper or delicate.
Be you and enjoy it.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.