People will often come up with jokes and mental exercises to cope with dangerous or painful things they've endured. It's a common occurrence, though one that might look strange to an outside observer.
But when Redditor Not_a_muggle6523 made some jokes about herself, some other people took offense. So she took the issue to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP) asked:
"AITA for making jokes about my amputations?"
Her story went:
"I had an accident a little over a year ago and some of my fingers were amputated. I am a hobbiest woodworker and it's one of my passions."
"Someone on my local Buy Nothing group was asking for a laptop table for her wheelchair bound teen so he could do his homework while he was recovering from a brain tumor."
"Anyway, I offered to make one and when I was almost finished I had an accident with the table saw. Lost my index, middle, and top of my thumb to the saw."
"I've remained very optimistic and upbeat about it and don't let it get to me."
"I finished the table the day after I got out of the hospital and still do woodworking. I got a really cool prosthetic which you may have seen on Reddit in the past and I'm pretty body positive & open when it comes to my injury."
"However this is where I may be [the a**hole] (TA)."
"I joke about my amputations a lot and when people ask me 'what happened' I will say something silly like 'oh I lost a game of pull my finger' or 'the booger monster got them when I was picking my nose'."
"I was even making jokes about getting a discount at nail salons now, while in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Looking back, the paramedic didn't seem amused."
"Anyway.. Kind of childish but humor is what gets me through. I was recently told off for this by another amputee on TikTok who asked me what happened."
"I was told I was being insensitive and that I shouldn't make light of a very serious thing, especially when other amputees ask me about my missing fingers."
"That it was triggering for them to see me be joking about something that mentally tore them up."
I didn't really know what to say so I just didn't respond and now I feel like I may have been TA for joking around instead of saying what actually happened to me."
Responses on AITA provide votes that are tallied to determine whether someone is or isn't being an a**hole.
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
In this instance, people determined OP was NTA.
"NTA. You're using humor to cope with YOUR OWN amputations. You're not hurting anyone else by doing that, and if they can't separate their experiences from yours that's on them."
"If you posted those same jokes on pictures of other amputees, that would be rude, but you have every right to make light of your owm situation if that makes you feel better." - chiropterra
"NTA. You like this, and you are free to do this."
"Maybe avoid it with other amputees just to avoid discussion. Personally I'd really appreciate your humor." - Short_Instance1924
"NTA. I think that you making jokes about yourself and staying positive is a really healthy thing."
"While everyone's triggers are different, I don't think it was fair of that other person to go off on you like that. They also need to respect that everyone has a different way to heal." - catladywithallergies
"NTA - you can talk about YOUR amputations how you want. As long as you aren't generalising or saying it about others it's all good."
"I make a lot of 'bad taste' jokes about my health issues." - CleaRae
However, not everyone was convinced anyone was at fault here.
"I totally don't think you're TA. I'm going with NAH."
"You have a right to joke about your amputation but other amputees can be annoyed or upset."
"People lose fingers and limbs from disease and war all the time. It's a little harder to laugh about when losing your toes could've been your life." - Todayismyday98
"NAH. You are absolutely allowed to cope however works for you. But others don't necessarily have to be comfortable with it either." - 5-2blue
"NAH. I know a woman who is a double amputee. She doesn't have legs. She used to use prosthetics and when she did she drove with them hanging out of the window."
"Or those bloody fake limbs at Halloween stores. She thinks they are hilarious."
"You aren't making fun of anyone but yourself. If it helps, keep on, don't let anyone stop you." - wmreeves613
Others even got into disagreements, showing the nuance in an argument like this.
"NTA you are allowed to joke about your amputations the way you are comfortable. It's unfair of people to put pressure on you to talk about things in a way that might make you uncomfortable."
"You've found a way to talk about your situation that makes you feel okay. Don't entertain the haters. And, not everyone who goes through something similar has the same reaction to said event."
"So, screw those people for lacking understanding." - rawsugar87
"Well... maybe also read the room a bit. People can get uncomfortable around amputees or any body parts that don't look like they should."
"If the jokes don't land, dial them back and save the A material for people who appreciate it. OP shouldn't have to hide [her] hand or pretend [she's] upset about it when [she's] not, but [she] can meet people halfway" - ohdearitsrichardiii
"Look if fellow amputees ask her to dial it back, then, fair play, but if someone's just uncomfortable because she's 'different'? Nah." - alicetheoboist
The general consensus appears to be OP can deal with her own amputation in a way that's comfortable for her, but she should maybe read the room from time to time.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.