Communication and trust are the foundations of all great relationships.
What happens though when those cornerstones fall apart?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) throwra5755557 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“AITA for getting back the money my husband took from our IVF treatment and gave to his friend?”
OP started with a good bit of background.
“To start off I want to say that my husband (36M) has an old friend (33M) that he’s known since high school.”
“They’re inseparable and spend the entire week together. like they’re really really close.”
“My husband and I struggled with fertility issues for years.”
“We recently started new method (IVF) in hopes to get at least one child together.”
“Note that I saved for the majority of treatment while my husband only paid 2-3 thousands.”
“We saved up for another round after the huge disappointment and heartbreak from failing the first time (that’s just how it goes).”
“This time I’d put all the money (including dad’s inhertance) and my husband didn’t pay a cent.”
OP then got to the problem at hand.
“Last week I found out that he secretly pulled out 7k (we had 11k in total).”
“I was completely and utterly shocked I confronted him and he casually reminded me of how many times his best friend complained about his ‘old junk’ car and he decided to ‘lend’ him 7k to buy a decent car, his argument was that his friend would’ve done the same for him.”
“I was beyond livid I asked if he really thought that was okay and he said that I shouldn’t worry and guaranteed his friend will pay us back in time.”
She took steps.
“I lost it on him and immediately demanded his friend to send the money back and threatened police involvement in case he refused.”
“His friend immediately returned the money but told my husband about the police thing and my husband came home and yelled at me calling me unhinged and selfish.”
“I told him I saved up some of this money/used my inheritance for this treatment while he contributed nothing even though we’re in this together.”
“He ‘corrected’ me saying I’m the one with the problem and he thought it’s only fair that I ‘make up’ for it by paying for the IVF myself.”
“This hurt so badly and I couldn’t argue anymore.”
“He went to stay with his friend while constantly shaming me for how I treated them both and for the police invovlement like they stole from me or something.”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses got right to the heart of the matter.
“NTA and I think it’s evident at this point you are no longer in a committed relationship.”
“Your husband has finally revealed several things to you.”
“Something I don’t think you realize that he revealed is that he no longer thinks you will have a child no matter what.”
“If he was in it to have a child he wouldn’t have pulled that money out to begin with.”
“It was a hit or miss on whether or not the friend could repay that 7 k in time.”
“If he needed it then its not something he can easily acquire back.”
“On top of this your husband is now outwardly hurting you by saying you are the one with the problem and is effectively saying it isn’t his fault.”
“Your husband no longer wants to have a child with you.”
“And his lack of cate and feelings for you, as well as how ready he was to steal money from you, just shows that this relationship is over.”
“For your own mental safety I recommend leaving him and finding someone to love who is mentally available to take this journey with you.”
“Your husband is not this man. “~ StonewoodApothecary
“Yup, everything above is spot on. You now know where you reside on the totem pole of importance in his life. Be very grateful you didn’t have a child with him.”
“Start looking up divorce attorneys right away, they will absolutely get you that money back.” ~ BraxtonFullerton
“My thoughts exactly!”
“It blows my mind how insensitive his comments are about it ‘not being his problem”’.
“As a woman who has dealt with the loss of a child and fertility issues I understand the self-guilt that comes along with it.”
“To use infertility against you is beyond below the belt.”
“It is clear that he is not committed to having a child with you and honestly seems like he has resentment about spending the money on IVF.”
“If are not able to have a child this resentment will grow and the relationship will only get worse. It’s time to really reassess your marriage and your future happiness.” ~ Mediocre_Past4876
Others pointed out where Husband’s heart really lies.
“This is yet another case of a situation of men liking women but loving men.”
“Like even if the relationship between husband and his friend isn’t physical or romantic, it’s pretty clear that this dynamic is the one husband prioritises as deserving of emotional dignity, as deserving of gift giving, of sacrifice.”
“This is the relationship where blocks should be moved to make a partner’s life more convenient, and husband is happy to do the labour involved in that.”
“OP, do not have a child with this man, not just because he doesn’t care about you but also because there’s something of an implication in his theft of you that he’s not hopeful of any future attempts at successful fertility.”
“He doesn’t want to build a family with you – sad as that is to read.” ~ addisonavenue
“Yes I got the same vibes, just cause giving such a other amount of money and not for an emergency…. suspicious” ~ Locurilla
Others pointed out that theft…is theft.
“That was money you saved/inherited. That means you ARE the one paying for it and he DID steal from you.” ~ lmchatterbox
“This is what I wanted to say right here.”
“The husband says OP acted like they stole the money… that is absolutely what happened”
“OP: This was your money, your inheritance. Your husband absolutely stole it from you.”
“Clearly you want children, but if you have children with this person, your life is only going to get worse.”
“You owe it to yourself to find someone who is as interested in having kids as you are.”
“You owe it to yourself to find someone who respects and loves you. Your current husband clearly does not.”
“NTA… but spending $1000s of dollars to have children with this person is a huge mistake.” ~ Dennis_Ogre
There were also personal stories.
“OP. I just helped my BFF leave a man like your husband.”
“And let me tell you, after 3 kids, he never got better, only worse, truly life threatening worse.”
“Restraining orders, cop calls, domestic violence, CPS.”
“Read the red flags at the beginning, don’t wait till they are white flags of surrendering to abuse.”
“Leave now. Please.”
“He doesn’t care about you if he’s willing to give over 50% of your savings to his bf.”
“And then get mad at you for calling the police.”
“Please, please, leave.”
“DM if you need help finding a place to go. I’ll help you research.” ~ dreamingofdandelions
“Three babies at that!!”
“Awe man it’s heartbreaking bc obviously OP wants a baby so bad that she’s saved all this money but you’re right.”
“I hope OP heads this warning.”
“There are something said that can never be forgiven this will cause you to be bitter.”
“Especially if he decides to later not help with the baby saying you’re the one who wanted this baby so bad. I’m so sad for OP🥺”
“Edit for spelling” ~ Speakklife
Commenters balked at the husband’s whole attitude.
“The fact he thinks that because she is the one with the ‘problem’ she has to make up.for it and pay it all herself…. MAKE UP FOR IT!?”
“Hell to the F no – this right here at the end of her post really caught my attention.”
“Not only is this guy not trustworthy, prioritising people over her.. he is insulting her and using her as a personal piggy bank.”
“No kids with this one and id consider counseling to find out if his prickishness is fixable or not, but honestly… id walk after that insult (as someone with medical issues too, that’s a big no-no for me)” ~ RSLunarCanidae
“I read that line and just cringed.”
“OP your husband, the man you want to have children with, just said that since it is your body that is having the issue then you should pay for it.”
“This man will never be a team player, put you first, or love you unconditionally.”
“Please think long and hard before you do another IVF round with this man.” ~ OrlyB1222
Trust and communication are vital.