We're in a political season where it's more common than it's been in decades for adults to move back home and live with their parents, because it's that hard to find a job, let alone a job that pays enough to cover all bills and expenses.
That said, in this economy, it's also important for those adults to pull their weight when they move back home, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Electrical-Union5334 had two adult children who were each able to get well-paying jobs and take care of themselves, but after several different life changes, it seemed best for them to move back home, at least at first.
But when their wife refused to charge them rent or other fees to balance out the added groceries and expenses, the Original Poster (OP) soon felt uncomfortable in their own home and dwindling financial situation.
They asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for moving out after my wife let our kids move home?"
The OP and their wife welcomed their adult children home after life-changing events.
"My wife and I have been married for thirty years. We have two adult children, one son and one daughter, who both have degrees and careers."
"Six months ago, our daughter moved home after a breakup. I offered to help her get an apartment, but her mom said I was being heartless and let her move back."
"Four months ago, our son moved back home because his job offered him an opportunity to work out of the office located in our city. He had moved away to accept a job in a rural town straight out of college."
"Both kids are employed and were able to support themselves prior to their mom allowing them to move home."
The OP and their wife did not see eye-to-eye when it came to asking their children for rent.
"I talked to my wife because our bills started going up. All our utilities have increased with the kids back home, as well as our grocery bills."
"It's nuts how much more money I have to put in. She said I should be happy the kids are home."
"I tried talking to the kids individually and together. They said they understood my position, and then the little f**kers went and cried to their mom, who reassured them that they didn't have to do anything."
The OP decided to take a step back from the situation.
"I said f**k it. I talked to my boss and took a contract that takes me out of town for a month at a time. I have been avoiding these because I'm old and have seniority."
"I put my share of the budget in our shared account. I went to work, and it was glorious. I had a hotel room to myself and $160 a day for living allowance. The work is simple, and otherwise, I can relax."
"I called my wife every day to check in and see how everything is going. The first month, everything went well."
"Then I got my week off. I went for walks every morning and had breakfast out. For lunch, I ate out again, just a meal replacement smoothie or bar. Then, for dinner, I ate at local restaurants. I got home, watched some TV, and went to sleep."
The OP's wife began struggling with the household budget.
"The second month, my wife asked me for money while I was away. I asked why. She said that our budget didn't cover the bills."
"I asked for proof that the budget we agreed on did not cover the bills or that there was a sudden rise in the bills."
"She said I d**n well knew why the budget wasn't covering the bills. I told her to make them pay their part. She wouldn't and took the extra money from her savings instead."
"I took my week off and visited my family in Ireland."
"During the third month, we were talking, and she said that the kids were giving her money, but it wasn't enough."
"I asked how much they gave her. $100 each. For utilities and groceries. So $200 total, and it didn't cover the bills."
"I was shocked. I said I wasn't going to pay to house and feed three adults with full-time jobs who couldn't afford to pay their own way."
"For the record, the three of them together earn almost twice what I do. They can absolutely take care of themselves."
"My wife is basically begging me for money now. The money she would normally use for hair and other beauty appointments is now going for groceries. She is skipping out on meeting up with her friends because she doesn't have the money."
"She asked me to talk to the kids about giving more money. I laughed and said I had done that, and they tattled to her, and she said I was a monster for being mean to her poor babies."
The OP couldn't understand why the family couldn't handle more of their expenses.
"Before you ask, yes, I love my kids, but I feel no need to pay for their lives. I'm p**sed at her and disappointed by them."
"My wife and I have lots of problems, but we were working on them, and we were doing okay before she decided to let the kids move back. We were in counseling and working on our marriage. We spent time together and socialized with friends. Then the kids came home and took all her time and attention."
"I am absolutely a grumpy old bast**d. I like my privacy. I like not having to wait for a bathroom at home."
"Each of our kids is able to support themselves without my money. Our son got a promotion with a raise to move back to the city. He could afford his own home and bills. He just wants me to pay for him."
"Our daughter is dating a different guy, and she can afford her own place. I would have no problem housing her while she was getting over her breakup. My daughter was fully self-sufficient until her breakup. She didn't miss work due to her breakup. Why can't she afford groceries now?"
"I would prefer not to divorce over this, and I don't like basically being separated. But I will not support three working adults. I have worked hard to be able to have a pretty good life. I deserve to enjoy it."
"Am I wrong for leaving them to deal with their own expenses?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that their wife was creating problems by financially enabling their adult children.
"You shouldn’t have to pay for your kids. You raised them, and they moved out. I think you and your wife should sit down with them, tell them what you expect (their share of the bills, groceries, etc), or tell them they need to get an apartment of their own."
"If you and your wife are a united front, they will have no choice. And you're NTA for not wanting to spend your golden years taking care of people you have already raised." - CrochetQueen1221
"NTA, since it sounds like they are fully functioning adults, with full-time jobs."
"I have two adult children, and they would never live with me without offering to pay what they could afford to pay. And I wouldn’t even need to ask them! They would just do it."
"These are selfish, entitled adults in your home, OP, and they need a talking to, and a tough love life lesson. And if they don’t want to get with the program, they need to get out! I hope you can 'put your foot down about this.' No kid of mine, is going to make me leave my own home, unless I want to. NTA OP." - Quiet_Falcon2622
"NTA, you shouldn’t be expected to subsidize two fully grown adults with jobs. Let them come home for a soft landing? Of course, let them sponge off you while not contributing anything meaningful to the household? Absolutely not."
"If your wife wants them there and wants to coddle them, then she gets to pay the price for their free ride." - Physical_Dance_9606
"The wife doesn't have any money because she refuses to ask her kids for more. That's the whole problem."
"She went over the OP's head regarding a decision that affected both of them and their shared household, completely ignored his viewpoint, and now is upset that it's not working out the way she wanted it to."
"So, she's got her cake... But she's not able to eat it, too."
"To me, it's a matter of principles. And like, I totally get that adult kids need some help sometimes."
"But I also totally get that parents of adult children wish for their kids to like... Be self-sufficient, usually move out, spread their wings, and flourish as adults with their own lives, their own spaces, and their own freedoms to make decisions for their own futures."
"You birth them, raise them, wipe their a**es, love them, hold them as they cry. But you want them to be able to grow up and have their own lives and probably their own families."
"So at the end of the day... This was a one-way, unilateral decision that the wife made. About the living arrangements. In the home that the husband also lives in. That's pretty crazy to me."
"And what's funny is that I'm a super family-loving dude. Like, I love my family, siblings, and parents to death. But they've gotta' set boundaries, too. They've done it with me, and if I ever have kids, I know I sure as shit will have to with them at some point, also."
"The same goes for setting boundaries with your partner. Even if that means disagreeing on something, talking it through, and coming to a resolution. Or setting your boundary, and if it's broken... You do what you have to do."
"But in any case, OP mentioned that the family makes over double what he does, the three of them combined. So, something's not adding up here. I believe this is a wife issue, and until she realizes that she's the one who's tearing the family apart while she thinks she's helping them... It's more like enabling them, while also ruining her marriage. So, yeah, she needs to step up to the plate, put on her big-girl pants, and realize that she's doing much more harm than good."
"She's also completely disrespecting the husband's viewpoints. That's a slap in the face that really, really hurts. If the husband had flat-out refused to allow it, the wife would have perhaps moved out instead, and realized that, 'Wow. This does suck, indeed. I miss my bed.'" - anothersip
"I think you are actually a solid human, dad, husband, and all-around grumpy bastard. You have earned your position in life and know who you are, and don't let your kids walk all over you or anyone else, it sounds like. NTA, but I think it would be nice if you could help bail your wife out this once."
"I think she had some pipe dream of having the kids come home and how amazing it would be, and now she feels foolish and sad about how it's working out and doesn't have the heart to tell them. Be the grumpy bastard and tell them what has to happen." - Apprehensive_Rice19
"NTA. Have a family meeting and tell them they have exactly two choices: pay a certain amount of money per month or move to their own apartment."
"Also, it might be an idea to let your wife know that if she rolls over again, divorce is on the table for you, because you like your peace and quiet and no longer need a house full of freeloading kids." - Excellent_Ad1132
Others rated the entire family as ESH because they didn't appreciate how the OP spoke about their family.
"It’s very clear from the way you talk about them that you don’t like any of the people in your family very much. So either you’re an a**hole who is married to an a**hole, or you raised a**holes, or all of you are a**holes." - imcomingelizabeth
"I put the kids into life, so I'll help them where possible. They can crash and live here forever, if they like. When money would be a problem, I'd ask them to chip in, but it's not a requirement." - _wavescollide_
"I’m pretty sure you hate your family. I’m just gonna throw that out there. I think you probably are an AH."
"You are just cherry-picking this situation to make yourself look good. You don’t give enough details about your children’s jobs to give fair context, either."
"For example, if they are working full-time but have low-paying jobs, it’s very possible they can’t afford to live on their own. Now I’m not saying they shouldn’t be contributing more to bills, I just don’t think you’re a reliable narrator." - CandidExcitement5453
"I'm going with ESH. If this were just about money, then I'd say absolutely NTA. You shouldn't be supporting three working adults, and I totally agree with you there."
"What I can't agree on is the way you talk about them. This seems much deeper than money. Sounds like you wouldn't want them at home even if they did pay rent. You're annoyed about privacy and want your own space. You've obviously got marriage problems too. That attitude is not okay."
"You're supposed to provide a safe haven for your kids and make them feel welcome in their family home. Sounds like you just want them gone, full stop."
"On a side note. The way you talk about your wife and marriage also isn't great. Why are you both wasting time with this tit for tat? Just bloody separate." - Ecstatic-Comb-7787
"I have no idea why everyone is just taking this guy’s word as gospel. 'The little f**kers went and cried to their mom.' 'I asked for proof that the budget we agreed on did not per the bills.' He's petty as f**k."
"It really sounds like he just doesn’t want to be around his own family, and that the money is an excuse. He for sure was a d**k when he talked to the kids alone, and this whole post just reeks of communication issues."
"At no point did they have a single conversation as a family. It’s a lot of 'Tell your mother to pass the syrup' bulls**t going on, and I don’t trust any of the numbers he has provided about their expenses or contributions."
"Anyone who has lived on their own and had to go back home is used to spending a ton of money to survive, and having rent, utilities, and groceries covered with $100 is a bargain that anyone would be happy to take and even pay substantially more for compared to solo living."
"Maybe the kids are entitled, but I absolutely cannot believe this dude’s assessment is objective."
"He said he doesn’t want to pay for three full adults with jobs, meaning he doesn’t even want to contribute to his wife’s well-being either. He f**ked off to live alone, stopped paying for anything, is fine with a divorce, and is fine with not seeing his kids."
"One rational conversation as a family, and this whole thing goes away. 'Hey, we love that you’re home, but you guys are adults with adult jobs. You’re welcome to stay here, but we have financial goals as well and need each of you to contribute to $400 a month to stay here. Your mother and I talked about this together because we’re adults too and know how to have a simple conversation and feel this is both fair and still generous.'" - I_AM_IGNIGNOTK
"Money aside, this guy absolutely HATES his wife and kids. You have some disagreements with your family, so you fully abandon them?"
"I honestly don’t believe his side of this story much at all. He says his son can afford to support himself in the city, but does he know that? He was living in a rural town, and although he supposedly got a raise, it would probably need to be a pretty big one to actually afford moving from a rural place to a big city."
"I don’t think we can take a guy who abandons his home and family like this at his word." - ThundrWolf
"Another case of Redditors losing their minds over technicalities without seeing the nuances of relationship dynamics. Yeah, the children seem s**tty and entitled for not paying as much, but can't a parent be gracious enough to want them back and maybe help them out a little even if they don't need it?"
" Am I missing something here? Does everything in life have to be transactional? So, by this guy's logic, he better not ask for a dime in old age or anything that oversteps these so-called 'boundaries.'" - Tasy-Ad-580
Obviously, in today's economy, it's important for adults to contribute at home, financially and around the home, to help it run.
That said, kindness and understanding go a long way, and based on how this OP explained his situation, there wasn't a lot of that to go around, inevitably making their financial situation seem that much worse.
