Some people have rules for dating, but are there rules everyone should follow and that everyone knows?
Definitely not.
There are some best practices, but even those vary greatly depending on age, location, experience levels, etc... A first date between two 14-year-olds is nothing like a first date between 40-year-olds.
People can always set their own personal dating rules and boundaries, but they have no control over the people they date who probably have their own set of rules and boundaries.
A man accused of breaking a dating rule turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
No_Explanation_9087 asked:
"AITAH for taking a girl out to a show without dinner after?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I asked a lady I'd met recently out on a date, I suggested a music performance."
"The show started at 7:30pm, she got there at 8:30pm. Already it was irritating, but she apologised and bought me a drink so it wasn't really a big deal. I put that aside, we watched the rest of the show which was about an hour."
"When the show ended, I told her I had to head home which was about an hour away. I genuinely had some things to do and thought the date was the show, a few drinks and an early one.
"Usually if the vibe of the night is nice, then we can do other things. But not when someone has plans."
"She said she was hungry, didn't have time to eat before leaving home, and expected dinner. I think she was more upset that she didn't get her way."
"I told her I need to be off soon, dinner would take much longer than I had anticipated and we could reschedule for our second date and have a nice longer night including drinks and dinner."
"She said there won't be a second one, as I broke a very important rule of asking someone out on a date."
"I was confused. I thought she was joking, but she was very serious."
"This led to a bit of a back and forth, and it really made me wonder if I am the a**hole?"
"I don't like eating on a date. It is uncomfortable, especially on a first date. I enjoy food more alone because I don't feel like I'm being judged."
"Now if we plan for a dinner that is different. I was happy to have a few more drinks and get to know each other more, but the way she spoke to me felt like we would argue over nothing all night."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP wasn't breaking any known rule of dating (NTA).
"Ewwww. She was an hour late to a live performance."
"She broke the first code of a date and common decency by being an hour late."
"She didn't care for the show, thought she would cut it short by being late, then go blow through your wallet ordering stuff she would never if she planned on paying herself."
"Block her. Don't even give her an explanation." ~ RooniesStepMom
"I would've only waited 20 minutes and then texted that I'm leaving and not to contact me again." ~ KyoshiWinchester
"A very important rule of dating is that you don't show up an hour late! She had a whole extra hour in which to eat dinner before she bothered to show up for the date. NTA." ~ Biteme75
"Her expectations are not your problem. And arguing on a 1st date about dinner is a HUGE red flag. Stay away from this one." ~ Bianca1174
"Whatever happened to just asking people questions? When I'm asked out, I ask about the plan for the date."
"If he says he wants it to be a surprise, I ask if he can just let me know how I should dress and if I should plan to eat before/after the date."
"If people are out there dating based on their own unshared expectations, it's on them when they don't get what they wanted." ~ MohawMais
"She was an hour late. Unless the plans are discussed, I never assume sh*t. NTA." ~ imf4rds
"I'm an anxious person. I start to assume I have been stood up after 5 minutes. An hour late and I likely wouldn't be there still unless I was enjoying the show on my own." ~ Temporary-Address-43
"Yeah, I'll usually wait for maybe 20 minutes and then leave. I'm not interested in dating people who can't show up on time especially for a first date—you should be trying to make a good first impression."
"Obviously it's different if they have a really good reason, but I can't stand the 'I lost track of time' excuse." ~ KyoshiWinchester
"Most places around here close at 10, so you couldn't even find a place and get there at a reasonable time before they close unless it's Taco Bell or something like that. Pre-COVID places were open later, but it's getting harder to find now."
"Even if I wanted dinner after, I'd completely understand if the other person had plans or wasn't hungry then. Denying someone a second date because they didn't want to get dinner after 9:30pm is an a**hole level of entitled." ~ TopProfessional1862
"NTA at all, my friend. You don't want a second date with this person." ~ DavidSugarbush
"As a woman, if someone specified a 7:30p date that was not obviously at a restaurant I'M FOR SURE EATING BEFORE GOING. The time alone suggests dinner not included in my opinion."
"Kid's birthday party 12-2pm? There's almost certainly going to be pizza or food of some kind. 2-4pm birthday party? Snacks likely, actual food unlikely."
"A date starting at 5 or 6pm, definitely going to involve a meal. But starting at 7:30pm and not showing up until 8:30pm, she can get drive-thru on her way home." ~ Powerful_Road1924
"She should have got you dinner for being late!" ~ HedyHarlowe
"Oh, so it's O.K. for her to be an hour late—and not just for a date, for a performance—but not O.K. for you not to include a meal? I'd say you dodged a bullet."
"NTA, of course." ~ DawnShakhar
"If she was an hour late she damn well could've taken a minute to pound a protein shake or something. She wanted a free meal."
"You dodged a bullet. Don't go out with people who are so unabashedly disrespectful of your time." ~ SmileParticular9396
"She agreed to the date to get a free meal at a restaurant. Obviously the show was not that important to her."
"If he broke a dating rule by not taking her out to dinner, she broke a dating rule by being an hour late to a live show. Tickets were purchased. She messed up big-time. That is pure disrespect." ~ Funny247365
"My friend, she was using you as a free meal ticket, she didn't care that much about the date either if she was an hour late, you got lucky and you are NTA." ~ Independent_Lie_5910
"Tell her dinner was at 7:30." ~ PugglePack83
"Don't feel bad. She was an hour late, did she at least call well in advance or something?" ~ ShawnyMcKnight
"She expected you to buy her dinner when she was an hour late, then blew past your reasons for wanting to call it a night and argued with you on the 1st date. Bullet dodged!" ~ therealbananabottom
"I'm a woman and if the date was for 7:30pm at a bar, I would assume no dinner. At the most, it may be grab a burger or something after, but definitely no expectation, especially if we came in separate cars." ~ WorkEast3738
"So this woman was an hour late and had the gall to complain about you not meeting her expectations? You are definitely NTA, but she is." ~ Dull-Acanthaceae191
"It's commonly known that if you're going to a show that starts at 7.30pm, then you eat beforehand.. 'pre-theatre' is literally an industry standard in restaurants near venues which offer deals to come visit them before shows. Everyone knows this is the correct etiquette."
"Expecting to be fed (because that's what this is, not going for dinner, being fed), at like 9:30pm after a show is weird. Drinks? Sure. But dinner, no." ~ Sakarabu_
"Sorry....she arrived an hour after the show started, but you're the asshole because you didn't take her to dinner after? NTA." ~ takatine
The OP provided an update:
"I have tried to message back everyone but holy sh*t. Thank you for your feedback, have picked up some useful future advice here. I strongly feel like I dodged a bullet. Well wishes."
Dating can be fun or, as in this case, not much fun at all.
Better communication—and punctuality—might have salvaged this date. If either person shared their plans or expectations, it could have resulted in a second date instead of a bullet dodged.
