Keepsake is a term meaning "a small item kept in memory of the person who gave it or originally owned it" according to the Oxford English Dictionary.
They may nog be worth much monetarily. They may even be worthless. But they're cherished for the memories they invoke.
Keepsakes can be especially important if the person theg belonged to has died.
But without a will, who owns such things? What if one family member had it seven years when another sibling takes it from their possessions and gives it away? Is asking for it back reasonable?
A younger sibling—with a severe aversion to capitalization, grammar, spelling, and punctuation—turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their older regifted one of their keepsakes.
*No, I'm not fixing it for them. Everyone should enjoy their stream of consciousness post in it's most authentic form.
Classic-Amphibian963 asked:
"AITA for asking for my dead sister's ring back after my brother used it to propose?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"my sister died when i was like 6 and she was 17. we weren't super close or anything but i (19, female) still remember little bits of her. her laugh, how she always painted her nails, her posters. she was like this perfect angel to my mum after she passed. i barely remember the funeral."
"when i was like 12 i found this old ring in her stuff. nothing fancy, just a silver ring w a small stone. it fit me and idk why, but i kept it. it wasn't some big dramatic thing, i didn't steal it or anything, i just… took it and started keeping it. i didn't wear it loads or flaunt it, just had it in this little box and sometimes i'd look at it when i missed her. it kinda became this one thing that felt like mine, like my piece of her"
"i wore it on bad days as kind of a thing where she's still with me, it sounds silly but it does make me feel better, most days it sits in a box under my bed"
"it was in her room which they never got rid of and even today it's still there, at most it's cleaned and dusted, but it's mostly been the exact same as the day she passed"
"i found the ring in a drawer, don't remember why I was looking there or why I was in her room at the time"
"so anyway last weekend we had this family lunch and my brother (27, male) brings his girlfriend (gf) who everyone knew he was gonna propose to. and yeah, he stands up, does the big speech and pulls out THE ring. my sister's ring. the one i've kept for like 7 years"
"she died when I was 6, I found the ring when I was 12, and I'm now 19, that's a really long time for him to stake his claim to a ring I've worn around the house for years"
"i literally froze. his gf starts crying, ppl are clapping, i'm just sat there like wtf. i look at my mum and she just smiles at me like nothing happened. after dinner i ask her was that the ring and she's like yeah, your brother asked me and dad and we said it was fine. she said it was sweet and symbolic and my sister would've wanted it passed down or whatever"
"and i was like ??? it was never yours to give tho??? like i've had it for years?? and she just goes 'oh come on it's just a ring don't be dramatic'. but like when i had it, it wasn't 'just a ring'."
"so yeah i kinda snapped. waited till ppl were outside and told my brother i wanted it back. he laughed at first then was like no wtf and i said ok well then i'll tell your gf where it came from and let her decide. he got mad said i was ruining his proposal and making it about me like always. my mum dragged me into the kitchen saying everyone noticed i wasn't happy and that i left halfway thru dinner. yeah bc i was crying in the bathroom like ????"
"dad tried to calm it down but my brother kept going on about how selfish i was and that i'd been weird about my sister for years. i didn't even say anything i just left early and went to a friend's house, i live with my parents and haven't spoken to any of them since. mum rang me yesterday saying have i calmed down and am i ready to say sorry and i said not really and she hung up"
"my cousin texted me later saying it was actually super messed up and she doesn't blame me, but idk. i probably could've handled it better but i just felt so blindsided. it's not even about the stupid ring it's just like. they acted like it didn't matter to me. like i didn't matter"
"so yeah. aita?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"Am I the arshole for asking for my dead sister's ring back from my brother?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"So they had the balls to take it out of your room, your box - not tell you about it and you are the dramatic one? They are thieves. NTA! And I would tell the girlfriend ASAP." ~ UpbeatAd4822
"Yeah, OP needs to tell the girlfriend and see how she reacts knowing it's a stolen ring." ~ 2spooky4me5ever
"Especially since her brother is too cheap to buy an engagement ring and basically stole the ring from his sister. The family knew she would occasionally wear the ring and it was special to her as a link to her sister who passed away."
"The ring has nominal value except for sentimental reasons. The brother could have spent a few dollars and bought another ring at the Dollar Store, but was too cheap to actually spend his own money for his fiancée."
"At this point, I think she should tell the fiancée about the ring and see what she says. She may not want to be wearing a stolen ring from a dead person." ~ Seesnowy
"Especially since said dead person would have been her sister-in-law. It's something completely different if it's Grandma's heirloom engagement ring that was passed down the family instead of stolen from the younger sister." ~ Inocain
"Wait this one out. Your brother didn't use a family heirloom stored in his mother's jewelry box and lovingly handed down. He didn't use a ring he had kept in his own possession as a memento of your shared sister."
"He—or one of your parents—went into your things and took the ring without talking to you first. What he did was creepy. That is why his girlfriend did not stay a fiancée—she realized she was dating a creep."
"People will eventually figure out the truth of the situation if they calm down and think about what actually happened." ~ Pear_tickle
The OP provided an update:
*Yes, I fixed the spelling, grammar, punctuation, capitalization—I couldn't take it any more!
"While the final judgment of my last post seemed to be NTA, I'm still so confused with the overwhelming amount of comments that said I was in the wrong."
"But one thing that a lot of people did say is that I need to tell my brother's fiancée. And I guess that's right, as it did feel like I ruined her day with my strop, so afterwards I messaged, apologised, and asked her to meet up for lunch as an apology for the other day."
"I wasn't gonna ask for the ring back. I just wanted for her to at least know my side of the story, I guess."
"Anyway we meet up for lunch, blah, blah, small talk or whatever. And she shows me the ring and tells me that, 'oh it's so pretty, I know it's not expensive, but if it means so much to your brother for me to have, it means so much to me'."
"It's an inexpensive ring but it is extremely pretty and if someone proposed to me with that ring without knowing the context I would be quite happy."
"Like? OK, just miss out crucial info when telling your future wife then, I guess. So I blurted it all out."
"I kinda just stared at the ring and didn't know what to say and she began apologising a lot, saying 'I didn't know, I'm sorry' and I finally got 'my' ring back or whoever's ring you wanna call it."
"I was near tears and she took me back to my friend's house, as I thought that was gonna be it."
"Later I get a call from my bro where he says that 'I'm selfish' and 'I'm so weird about my sister' and that I couldn't let him have his day and it had to be about me, telling me that I just ruined his marriage, and that I can't claim anything with my sister because I was way too young to have a relationship."
"He ended the call and I tried calling both my parents, but they wouldn't pick up until my dad called later telling me he's 'disappointed' how I handled things and that I've blown up my brother's relationship over a person I barely knew."
"And honestly, I don't know at this point. I feel it's all gone a bit too far. I don't think I can ever fave [no idea what 'fave' means, slang maybe] coming home and I've just ruined my brother's marriage."
In a separate post on an advice only subReddit, the OP posted:
* The OP got a lot of complaints about their writing, so they're doing better all on their own in this one.
"My parents blame me for ruining my brothers marriage over my dead sisters ring"
"But essentially after I told my brothers ex fiancée that the ring he used to propose was a keepsake I kept of my late sister, she gave it back and I presume broke up with him"
"As of now I've been staying at my friend's house and will be moving in to stay with my boyfriend for a bit when he comes back from holiday"
"My parents have taken his side and they want nothing to do with me, my brother is the same"
"No one in my family even if they are sympathetic can get through to them and amend stuff. It seems the only way to repair the relationship would be to give the ring back but even then I don't think I can"
"I'm at a loss and idk what to do and how to go about it, feels like I'll never be able to come home"
Best of luck to the OP.
It sounds like a lot of conversations need to take place to understand what happened and why the brother and OP's parents felt entitled to go through her things to take the ring.
That's some serious boundary ignoring behavior.
*My only advice involves punctuation, spelling, grammar, capitalization...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp