Ableism is the discrimination, devaluation, and prejudice against people with physical, intellectual, or psychiatric disabilities, often favoring non-disabled, "normative" abilities.
An ableist assumes disabled people need to be "fixed" to match their version of normal.
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after shaming her daughter-in-law over her anxiety disorder.
Sad-Drive8298 asked:
"AITA for being honest and telling my daughter-in-law (DIL) that they are not ready to be a parent since she can not drive?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I may be an a** here. Like a huge one. We live in the USA and driving is very important. The buses are not great in our area."
"I meet up with my daughters and DILs like once a month to get brunch or do something fun. This is about my DIL, Kelly, and overall, I thought we had a pretty good relationship."
"Kelly can not drive, she has anxiety and refused to learn for years."
"My son drives her basically everywhere and when he can't I step up to do that. Ubers are very expensive here and money is tight on their end."
"Over the weekend everyone met up to go on of our favorite dinner spots. My son couldn't drive her, so I picked her up and drove her."
"Everyone was having a good time and Kelly mentioned that that they were trying to get pregnant. I was shocked by the news, but didn't say anything. The conversation moved on from there."
"When I was driving her home, Kelly asked why I made a face at dinner—I guess I made a face when I heard the news. I told her it was nothing, but she wouldn't let it go."
"After she asked for the fifth time, I told her that I don't believe she is ready to be a parent since she can not drive. That I am literally driving her places right now since she literally can't get to places without help."
"I asked what is the plan when my son leaves to travel for work… hide in the house all day? What if there is an emergency or the kid needs to go to the doctors? Have me take you places? Uber that they can't afford?"
"This started a huge argument, and she called me rude and said that I don't see her as an independent adult."
"My points were the same, and she called me a d*ck and said that I don't see her as an independent adult."
"My son called me asking me to apologize and basically say that having a kid is a good idea. I just don't think it is at all and think she needed to hear it."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I told my DIL I don't think she is ready to be parent since she can not drive? I could be a jerk for mentioning it at all, even tho not being able to drive is a bad idea with kids."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was off base with their criticism, citing the couple's financial situation as a larger concern than driving.
"I disagree with the blanket statement that being too anxious to drive would make you unable to raise a child."
"One of my friends is 45 and has only driven a car once because it stressed her out too much, yet she managed to raise a great kid, mostly as a single mum. She takes public transport, rides a bike, and gets Ubers."
"So if the person is willing to sort out their own transport without relying on others to drive them around, they can, in fact, be a good parent."
"Also, you never know why someone might be too anxious. A loved one may have died in a crash or they may have been in a bad one themselves."
"The person may also be neurodivergent like my friend. Basically, there are a lot of reasons for not wanting to drive." ~ Potential-Ice8152
"I come from a family where a lot of the girls don't drive. I'm one of like 3 girls in my family who never had an issue driving. I always offered to take my grandma to the doctor, my sister, where she needed to go, because I could and I know they'd otherwise take the bus."
"My aunt is in her 50s and still doesn't drive - she walks 20 minutes to work and back every day, and she never complains, never asks for rides, walks to the grocery store, and has one of those grocery strollers to carry her groceries."
"wasn't until I got my 'big girl insurance job' that I started getting scared to drive. I became so good at my job - I was getting 100 NPS scores in an industry where the expectation was 30, because in insurance, people are expected not to like you. This 'gift' led me to the injury claim department because 'you are so good with people'."
"I became one of the default people for fatality claims. And let me tell you, unless you're a robot, it's impossible to be involved with multiple fatality calls a day and be normal with driving."
"Every day, I was talking to people who had just lost a loved one in a tragic accident. I listened to broken-hearted parents wailing in agony, adults broken down to a child crying for their mother or father or both."
"When you see the photos, they haunt you. I would have night terrors that would wake me up in tears, sobbing, and dream of being in car accidents. Slowly, I started getting more and more scared to drive."
"One week of working from home turned into three months of not leaving the house. I didn't use my car for so long there was a pile of dust on it."
"I thank God my daughter's school heard me out and got us on the bus route. They were incredibly understanding and helpful. I'm also very grateful that Walmart delivery existed."
"It took me 4 months to even get into a vehicle. My mom once insisted on taking me somewhere nice and the only way I was able to be in the car was if I was fully reclined back and staring at the ceiling only."
"My friends and family stepped up A LOT. My parent friends would always ask if my daughter wanted to join because they knew I could barely leave the house."
"They would come to our place to hang out. My daughter got to go to trampoline parks, play places, whatever (I'd always pay for her entry/order pizza for everyone because this was a HUGE thing they were doing for my daughter)."
"I tried to be a good friend anyway I could. I would babysit any of my friends' kids because I would always be home."
"I have since become comfortable enough to drive (sooo much therapy and meds), but I refuse to drive in any bad weather. I don't drive unless I absolutely have to. I basically just keep my license at this point for emergencies."
"You really, really never know when fear is going to hit you as a parent, but in my opinion (and it's biased because my whole job is car accidents), having fear around driving is a very normal fear. You are basically operating a weapon, and one bad move can lead to a fatality." ~ soyycratess
"Plenty of women are too anxious to drive but can totally handle motherhood. It's really different." ~ RespondMammoth
"So my anxiety around driving prevented me from getting my license for nearly a decade but it didn't manifest around anything else to the same degree in the slightest. Anxiety alone doesn't mean she's unfit to be a mother. I'd be more concerned about expenses." ~ Jaeysa
"I think it's irresponsible to try to have a kid if money is tight, like I don't think it matters much that she doesn't drive. Plenty of adults don't drive and are able to raise kids successfully, and I think YTA for that aspect."
"However, if you have the ability not to get pregnant and can wait until you're in a better financial standing, that's what you should do." ~ shey-they-bitch
"I just want to point out that anxiety isn't a one-size-fits-all. Just because someone has an irrational (or even rational) fear of something specific, it doesn't mean they are anxious about everything."
"Stress appears in a lot of ways, and she may have a mental block about driving and be perfectly fine in other high-stress situations." ~ Suitable_cataclysm
"I'm a 56-year-old who has never had a driver's license, but managed to raise two healthy, successful children to adulthood. My kids never missed school, medical appointments, or extracurriculars just because I don't own or operate a vehicle."
"I spent years listening to people tell me that I just had to learn to drive and get a license. It's not that I lack the ability to operate a vehicle. I can do the basics. Empty road with no one else on it? I'm fine."
"It's not the vehicle that is the issue. It's the fact that other people are driving on those roads as well."
"People don't understand that the anxiety people like me have about driving makes us a danger to ourselves and others if we're behind the steering wheel. We're protecting us and everyone else from accidents by not driving." ~ baggaci
"I'm a mom who is terrified of driving and only do it if I have the exact route planned and memorized ahead of time, with the help of anxiety medication 30 minutes before I leave the house, and sometimes I still panic while doing the drive, even if it's a super short trip."
"Parenting my kid has not once caused anything close to the anxiety and terror I feel when I am driving my car, and there is a detour in my regular drive to work because of an accident. You can be scared shitless of driving and still be a good parent." ~ CharizardCharms
"There are many disabilities and conditions that keep people from driving. According to OP, they should also be prohibited from having children. That's incredibly ableist. YTA." ~ MohawMais
OP is pretty sure that their ableism is right and justified.
It's unlikely they'll take anything Reddit had to say to heart.
