A healthy relationship after a breakup can be difficult to achieve. For many, a total severing of ties is the optimal choice.
But that can be complicated when friend groups have solidly overlapped over the course of the relationship. Staying in each other's lives can be necessary.
One young Redditor managed the all-too-difficult task of amicable separation. The post-relationship friend zone went smoothly for awhile.
Until it didn't.
To iron out how guilty she ought to feel, she turned to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit. In her post, Redditor lkrs-956 explained the dynamics from beginning to end.
It all started with the breakup.
"I (18F) dated my ex (18M) from sophomore to the end of junior year of high school. We broke up amicably, and both moved on."
"He dated more girls during the summer, while I remained single. We were still around each other a lot, because our circles of friends had blended, and our younger sisters were best friends. At the beginning of senior year, I still texted him from time to time because we shared a Government class and sometimes compared notes."
"But overall, we weren't that close."
When her ex began feeling some emotional strife, he turned to her for consoling.
And then consoling transformed into something very different.
"Towards December, things with his girlfriend got rough and he began to lean on me like an emotional crutch, often asking me if I could come over so he could vent to me in person."
"Once, he asked me to go out to get dinner with him, and I declined, because I wanted to respect his girlfriend and because I was not his friend."
"He then decided it was a good time to tell me that he still loved me and wanted to get back together, because he could see himself marrying me and having kids one day. I was extremely creeped out because I was - and still am - a teenager who wasn't even thinking about those things."
When she was honest about her feelings, he didn't take it well at all.
"I told him that I didn't feel the same, and he did a complete 180."
"He called me a prude that was full of herself, and said that I should be careful because no one would want a girl with brains, and that he was my best option for a future."
".... No. I ended up blocking him so I could spend the holidays in peace."
But the saga did not end there.
Unbeknownst to her, he was laying the groundwork to smear her reputation.
"I thought that everything would go back to normal, but once I returned to school, everything blew up. I noticed everyone was giving me odd looks, and was so confused until my friend pulled me aside and told me that my ex had decided to expose the 'truth' behind our breakup."
"Basically, he told anyone who would listen that I was cheating and sleeping with others, and almost gave him an STD."
"To make things worse, he claimed that I had taken videos of it and shared it with him. Which is, needless to say, a federal crime."
The rumors made her angry on multiple levels.
"I was PISSED. One, I had never slept with anyone. He was the one trying to pressure me into that."
"Two, I come from a Catholic family, who would disown me if they even heard a rumor that I was having premarital relations."
"And three, I was being accused of a federal crime."
Those damaging accusations were too much to turn the other cheek.
She engaged the proper channels to make sure he faced consequences.
"I went straight to the Dean and told him everything. We attended a private school that didn't take such things lightly, and I was assured that swift action would be taken."
"I left it at that, trusting that the school would do what they felt was right."
"Three months later, and I come to find out his admission to a top university along with his full ride scholarship for football had been rescinded. I was shocked when I was called to the Dean's office and given a formal apology from my ex and his parents."
But the severity of that punishment was more than she'd expected.
Though too late to change anything about it, she still wanted to know where, morally, she stood.
"At the time it felt right, but now, I feel like the punishment may have been too harsh, even if what he accused me of could have put me in jail."
"Am I the A**hole ?"
A hefty majority of Redditors took her side.
They dubbed her "NTA," meaning "Not the A**hole."
These supportive comments pointed out two key variables—she couldn't predict the future and what he did was objectively not okay.
"NTA. You didn't plan for his scholarship to be rescinded; you simply went to the proper authorities to make certain his lies didn't impact your own life."
"He's the one who chose to spread all those lies about you in the first place." -- maggienetism
"NTA. You didn't cause his university admission to be rescinded, he did when he chose to make up serious false accusations." -- Matt_NZ
"NTA, you did what any reasonable person would do in that situation. You couldn't have foreseen his scholarship would be rescinded." -- Dinszy
"NTA. You're not responsible for his actions. It's unfortunate that HIS actions have cost HIS future to take a hit, but that's HIS fault. You're not the asshole, and I hope he learned his lesson." -- iautz14
"NTA. You didn't choose how the school handled the situation, and the consequences he's facing were a result of his own behaviour towards you."
"It's probably good that they've handled it as severely as they did. It's a good learning opportunity for him, and hopefully he doesn't do anything similar to anyone else in the future." -- ViolentDelights97
Some felt the consequences could have—and should have—been more severe.
"NTA. I would even say that the punishment wasn't harsh enough. He deserved it for being so nasty. What he did was defamation. An attack to your character."
"If it happened to me, I would've gathered evidences from people he told these baseless rumors to (texts, chats etc), tell my parents and sue his damn a** for defamation. It's okay to let them apologize but stand your ground. Don't let them manipulate you."
"He pretty much ruined himself by trying to ruin you over a rejection. what an a**." -- AndyArsehole
"NTA. What he did? I think you let him off easy. Honestly, I hate it when people are like 'oh, but you ruined his life!' Nah, man, he ruined it by being a di** and now he's reaping what he sowed." -- el_pobbster
"NTA. Hs claims were defamatory. He became abusive and attempted to destroy your reputation because he turned you down. He doesn't deserve his admission or his scholarship."
"Frankly, you could sue him or in some jurisdictions, you could press charges." -- ViolasDIL
Others hoped the punishment would reform what they felt were obvious character flaws.
"NTA, man this guy sounds like prick. Just because you're talented at sport doesn't mean you get a free ride to be a prick" -- unluckychemist
"NTA. That's the kinda guy that needed a good lesson I hope he connects the dots as to why he got the punishment he did." -- quiet0n3
"NTA - hopefully he learns a very important lesson from this and becomes a decent human being not the animal he was being formed in. Good job [Original Poster] and don't feel guilty." -- ma3leemz
Here's hoping the Reddit validation helped her get over this situation as well as she got over the relationship in the first place.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.