Most parents mean well when they raise their children, and they might monitor various aspects of their children's lives as they grow, like how they're doing in school and who their closest friends are.
But there comes a time when parents have to start letting go and give their children space to make their own decisions, without them overlooking anymore, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Plastic_Box9546 was a college graduate and had already landed a successful job, but that did not stop their parents from continuing to try to meddle in their decisions.
But when their parents went so far as to demand their bank information, so they could monitor their income and spending habits, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was time to set new boundaries.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for refusing to give my parents my bank password so they can 'monitor' my salary?"
The OP was a successful college graduate.
"I am a 2024 graduate from a Southeast Asian country, and I recently landed a high-paying, remote role as a Virtual Assistant for a US-based company."
"Because I live in a country with a lower cost of living, my salary is technically 'wealthy' by local standards, and I really enjoy my job, so it's a win-win."
The OP was surprised by their parents' demands about their income.
"Last night, my parents sat me down and demanded my banking login and password."
"Their reasoning? They want to 'protect' me from overspending and believe they should be the ones to 'set aside' my savings for me."
"They also mentioned that since I still live in their house, I should not have 'secrets' regarding my finances."
"I told them no. I offered to pay a fixed, generous amount for rent, utilities, and groceries, but they called it 'insulting.' They said I am treating them like 'landlords' instead of parents."
"I also told them I would rather automate a transfer to a high-yield savings account that they can see but not touch. They still called it a slap in the face. It is like they do not just want the money. They want the power to decide how it is spent."
The OP's family shamed them for withholding their information.
"Now, my extended family is calling me 'arrogant' and are saying I have 'lost my roots' because I want financial privacy and work for Americans."
"In my mind, I am an adult with a professional career. In their mind, I am an extension of the family's communal fund."
"To me, it's not about the money anymore. It is about the fact that they do not see me as an independent adult, despite the fact that I am the primary earner in the house now. Respect should be a two-way street."
"Was I wrong for standing my ground? Is it an 'Americanized' mindset to think my money is mine, or is this a universal boundary I should never cross?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that they were NOR and that this was abnormally controlling behavior.
"Now is the time to realize some cultures have f**ked up 'values' that should definitely be ignored. Your parents think that because they brought you into this world, they get to control every aspect of your life they wish."
"You'll likely have to move out and establish yourself if you want a chance at a 'normal' life. It will likely result in your parents throwing a tantrum, but don't give in." - Difficult_onion4538
"NOR. There's almost certainly some cultural factors involved, which I can't speak to, but boundaries are important in any culture, and some communities do blur the line of enmeshment."
"In many Asian countries, parents see their children's money as their right because they raised them. Where this likely goes is them taking money without asking for it for specific things, like, 'we're throwing a birthday party for your sister, so we used some of your money for it,' for example. Things like that.
"I can't say if that's happening here without significantly more information (that's none of my business, obviously), but it may be something OP can look into if they think it may apply to their situation."
"But I think that OP shouldn't let them near their money." - H3k8t3
"They don't want to 'monitor it;' they want to control it. He is their bank account now in their eyes. Move out, OP. I know culturally you're expected to help family, but make it a set amount that is non-negotiable if you want to continue to do so." - MartinisnMurder
"'They said I am treating them like 'landlords' instead of parents,' and they are treating YOU like an ATM instead of BEING loving parents you can trust. NOR." - SoonToBeMarried43
"NOR. This is a divergence of culture with you living your life."
"Do not give into it unless you want your parents to take advantage of it and control you the rest of your life (and probably steal from you)."
"Kudos for protecting yourself. It may be 'Americanized,' but it's way better than your parents controlling you forever." - PerpetuallySticky
Others had different theories for what the OP's parents wanted to do with that bank information.
"Their setting aside of savings for you could end up having money put into an account they can control and use for any family expense. YOU will become their bank account." - IcyConsideration7062
"NOR, and they absolutely are going to start siphoning funds for a 'savings' account, which just so happens to be solely in their names."
"When will OP be allowed to access it? 'Oh, when you get your own house,' 'oh, nope, can't have it yet,' 'when you get married,' 'no, still can't have it,' 'when you have your first kid...' 'oh, wait, there's no money in the account, you gave it to us as a gift and we used it to fund our lifestyle family emergencies." - SafiyaMukhamadova
"Ask them if you have access to all of their money and if you have a say in what they spend or save. Let them sit with that feeling for a little while. It's all just them exerting control over you and your adult life." - harleyjosh1999
"Please understand your parents never had access to real money. They want the experience of seeing it and moving it and making decisions with it. They feel cheated that their son got to experience dealing with real money before they ever did."
"So yes, this is about them treating your money like it's theirs. Don't give them access to anything. Offer to pay for things that you are comfortable with. Hold your boundary that your banking information is for you only." - Leelagolucky
"Why do they want access to your money if their argument was basically for you to save it? Your offer to put some of it into a savings account that they can see but not touch is a reasonable compromise."
"I wouldn't trust their motives, myself. They shouldn't have access to your money at all, and I'd be afraid that they'd spend it and you'd never get it back." - CleoLovesStan
"This is why you keep control of all of your own money. Despite the comment that it is an insult to pay rent, perhaps a reasonable amount for rent/food. In the US, single people of share an apartment or house and split expenses."
"Although remember, ONCE YOU SET A PRICE AND DO IT ONCE, you will be doing it possibly forever and not just when you move. If the price is very high, your parents may be dependent on it and want that subsidy in retirement."
"If they don't allow it, consider setting aside a small amount every month that no one knows about. You need to start saving for your own life, house, maybe kids, fun, and retirement."
"I have made the mistake of loaning money to my siblings. They always want more, and any loan is really a gift." - Any-Alternative2667
After reading the comments, the OP was relieved.
"Honestly, I needed this energy today."
"It is wild because they want total transparency for my bank account but would lose their minds if I asked for theirs. I already offered to pay a higher share of the bills, and they called it insulting and said I was treating them like landlords."
"If being a daughter means being a financial open book, then maybe I am better off actually being a tenant somewhere else. They want the communal fund, but they do not want to give me the adult respect that comes with it."
After seeing the OP's comment, fellow Redditors urged her to move out.
"Ohhh, you're a daughter. Yes, you really need to move out and stop supporting your family."
"Girls are expected to support and care for their parents, sometimes even in the US, and it sucks. This demand from your parents is out of line, but not surprising. Just move out." - kisskissenby
"NOR. Do not share anything with them. I'm the earning daughter in an Asian household. My money is theirs, but their money isn't mine. I also have a job that is technically higher paying than theirs used to be."
"I made the mistake of telling them how much I actually earn, and they just planned all household expenses, many unnecessary ones, around it. I ended up with no savings after about three years of work. Then I just started lying about how much I make and give them a fixed amount now."
"They act like I'm an arrogant person because of it, but I've learned to not care. Between the options of 'being the good daughter but penniless and completely controlled' and 'being the evil daughter but with financial freedom,' I chose the latter."
"Stick to your guns. People can tell what they want. After a while, they realize that nothing they say will impact you, and they either tone it down or it just won't affect you anymore." - Ill-Animator-3700
It was alarming what the OP's parents wanted her to do and how expectant they were to have access to her funds, just because she'd landed a secure job.
But if she actually gave them access, they would likely spend much more than she could make, or they'd continuously change the conditions she'd have to meet to access her own money.
