Guy Refuses To Do Dishes After Wife Cooks Since She Doesn't Tidy Up While She Makes Dinner

Couples or roommates usually establish boundaries or create household rules to maintain a civil living arrangement, but things don't always go so smoothly.

A husband was forced to modify a rule he and his wife have when it comes to cooking.

When things reached a boiling point, however, he visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.

There, Redditor Obvious-Swordfish-64 asked:

"AITA for implementing a 'you cook you clean rule' and leaving her to clean up her dishes after she made pasta?"

The original poster (OP) explained with an addendum to the post.

"My wife and I switch off cooking, both of us cook twice a week and the days neither of us cook it's a leftover night or takeout. We used to have the person that didn't cook do the dishes after the meals."

"I clean as a cook, so when it is my night there are very few dishes for her to clean up. When she cooks, I swear she uses almost every single dish or pot for her meals."

"It is a disaster in the kitchen, and it takes me a long time to clean the whole thing up."

The OP continued:

"I have had conversations before about this and have asked her to clean as she goes to reduce the mess. She refuses and claims that is just what happens because she likes to make elaborate meals."

"She does make more elaborate meals than me and spends a while in the kitchen. I prefer to make more simples meals like stir fry."

"I brought up the last Thursday that I won't clean up after her cooking anymore. She left a huge mess, and I was over it. That I will clean up my dinners, and she can clean up hers."

The OP presumed the new arrangement was understood.

"On Saturday ( my cooking night), I made beef tips over noodles and cleaned it all up. Sunday was her cooking night, and she made homemade pasta and red pepper sauce."

"We ate and she didn't clean up her mess, and later the night she asked me to clean it up I told her no and reminded her what I told her and pointed out I cleaned my stuff up."

Here's the latest update.

"This brings me to this morning. I didn't do the dishes, and when she woke up, there wasn't much room for her to make her coffee and breakfast."

"She was pissed I didn't clean it up. We got into a huge argument before I left for work."

"She thinks I am a huge a**hole, so I am asking for an outside opinion."

Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
• NAH - No A**holes Here

Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.

"NTA."

"It isnt that her meals are more elaborate, it's that she isn't cleaning anything as she goes so it all piles up. The division of labor isn't anywhere near even."

"If she doesn't want to clean as much, she can use less dishes or clown as she goes. She's picking what meals she wants to cook, so she's picking how much mess to make." – Kaynico

"I agree it would be fine if she just cleaned as she goes, I am not asking her to make elaborate meals. That is all her and I am so done having to clean it up."

"I had talked to her so many times about this issue."

"Literally, there is still flour and raw pasta bits on the counter, as well as a pill of dishes, even though the blender is out. I am so over it."

"She was also fine not cleaning up my dinner on Saturday. I am so over it." – OP

"Same deal in my home. Cook does not clean, however I cook more elaborate meals and clean as I go. Spouse cooks easy meals, makes a rotten mess, and does not clean as they go. It's annoying."

"Additionally, when I clean I wipe down stove and counters, put away left out food, clean up the table. Spouse does the dishes, and that's it. And if all the dishes don't fit in the dishwasher, leaves them on the sink."

"It's just laziness, IMO. I think I might follow the Ops approach going forward. Op is NTAH." – Innajam3605

"Ugh, I can't work in a messy kitchen. I clean up almost everything as I go. My wife does not also, but she works and I'm retired so I clean up when she doesn't. My biggest complaint is packaging and paper towels."

"She leaves them wherever she opens them. I can't say how much plastic or paper towels I've had to fish out of the sink when I'm getting ready to wash dishes. 🤣"

"NTA - it was discussed and she didn't complain when it was to benefit her, but now that the labor is on her back it's suddenly an issue." – False-Importance-741

"But also, he's not asking for the elaborate meals nor is he saying that he enjoys them more. If he would be happier with a simpler meal and less clean up and she's the one who's only happier with an elaborate meal and leaving more cleanup, then it's only fair for her to be the one to clean up after herself."

"NTA." – yoma74

"NTA. I like to make things from scratch here and there. I'd never leave the counter a mess for someone else to clean up. I usually cook and my husband cleans up. That works best because of our schedules. I also clean as I cook."

"My husband use to be like your wife in that he'd make a mess of the kitchen while cooking. We have a small kitchen and he was struggling one day. I suggested he'd have more room if he cleaned as he went. He said that doesn't work for him. I said ok and let him be. I noticed the next time he cooked that he was more organized and was cleaning some as he went. He figured it out."

"ETA - your wife didn't speak up when you cleaned up after you cooked. She was aware and had been warned. You communicated over and over. This isn't an issue of a communication break down." – JoslynEmilia

"It's all about respect and teamwork. Cooking can be messy, but if she chooses elaborate meals, she should also own the cleanup. It's unfair for her to create chaos and expect you to deal with it. Setting boundaries is essential for a healthy relationship." – Word_Shortener_Bot

"Nope, you're doing the right thing. She should be wiping down the counters, throwing out food waste, and putting the dishes to soak in the sink. Then you're only left with the actual dishes to clean. What she's leaving you with is insane and disrespectful..." – Lower_Ground_Score

"NTA you brought up the change and kept to your word you cleaned up after your meal because you clean as you go. She now needs to do her dishes and clean the kitchen. I can't stand people that do that use as many dishes as possible then leave it for someone else to clean."

"My ex-stepdad tried that, and it lasted one night he cooked a dinner one night, so I cleaned he said he'd do it again the next night and my mom said not a chance the fact that I had to spend so much time cleaning was not fair so that rule was shot down." – Pepsilover12

"NTA. I'm with you on this. I'm a tidy cook. My husband isn't. Mostly, he doesn't cook anymore because, with ADHD, he often forgets to tidy up after himself once we've eaten."

"So I cook, leave a tidy kitchen, and have dishes soaking in the sink. He washes up. I'm the better cook, anyway. It works for us." – Lady-of-Shivershale

"I go back and forth on this, but I'm going to go with NTA. You DID have conversations about this, so this didn't come out of the blue. And she wasn't willing to clean as she goes the way you do, and instead she said, 'This is just what happens when I cook.' "

"And just because it's a system you'd agreed to previously doesn't mean you're not entitled to change your mind later when you realize how unfairly it works out for you."

"And it isn't fair that she has nothing to clean up after you cook (because you clean it all up as you go) and you have a lot to clean after she cooks. You're already cleaning up twice a week (ie. the nights you cook) so it's only reasonable that she also clean up twice a week, when she's cooking." – gordonf23

"NTA You tried to talk to her and she's not been receptive. I can understand why you're trying to take the situation into your own hands."

"However, you can't just let the kitchen devolve into chaos in a test of willpower between you two. It's not healthy for your marriage, and it'll ruin your poor blender."

"You two need a serious sit-down conversation where you work together to find a solution. The original arrangement isn't working for you anymore, but this arrangement is not working either. Remember that it's 'both of you vs. the problem,' not 'you vs her.' "

"It's not going to work if you decide on a new arrangement by yourself and then forcefully impose it on her. You need to agree on a new solution together." – MissAuroraRed

While a majority of Redditors agreed the OP was not out of line not cleaning up after his wife after he made things clear, commenters thought that the couple have some work to do in improving the situation.

Hopefully, a discussion on the matter will lead to some sort of compromise or a new understanding that won't have to ruin dinners at home anymore.