Whenever we plan on living with someone, one of the first conversations we have to have is how the responsibilities for the home will be divided.
This conversation, of course, needs to be had again if living arrangements change, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor egyptian_siphon’s wife did not like all of the responsibilities that would come with being a stay-at-home wife.
After seeing her reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was asking too much of her.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my wife that she’d have to do most of the housework herself?”
The OP and his wife were transitioning to her staying at home.
“I work a full-time job. My wife wanted to be a SAHW (Stay-at-Home Wife). We don’t have kids, by the way.”
“I take the car to work. Everything is a walkable distance from home so she usually doesn’t need the car.”
“Today she came to me and said that she wanted to discuss the chore split for when she becomes a stay-at-home partner.”
“She said that I’d have to take the trash out every day and do laundry.”
“I said that since she’d be at home all day, she’d have to do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning, pay the bills, getting things fixed at home, taking the trash out, etc.”
“I’d essentially only have to pick up after myself and not mess up the house.”
“Also, on the weekends, I do all of the cooking, and cleaning is split in half between us.”
The OP’s wife did not appreciate this response.
“She got mad and said that she’s not a maid.”
“I replied, saying that she’d wanted to stay home so that I could just focus on bringing an income, so she would have to take care of the house.”
“She said that she didn’t want to spend her days doing all the housework.”
“I said that is literally the job of a stay-at-home spouse.”
“So she said I am being misogynistic.”
“I replied that I’m not being misogynistic, because I’d be doing all the housework too if I was going to be the stay-at-home spouse instead of her.”
“I finally told her that if she didn’t want to do the housework, she can go back to her old job.”
“Now she’s not talking to me.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said it was fair to take care of the house while not working.
“I don’t think he’s being misogynistic. My ex and I didn’t have an agreement but he decided he wasn’t going to work.”
“I’d get mad as h**l to come home after a 10-12 hour workday to a disheveled house while he’s sitting his a** on the sofa playing video games.”
“He said very similar things to OP’s wife. ‘I’m not a maid,’ etc.”
“I completely empathize with the OP. When you’re busting your a** and paying all the bills, and financially supporting the other party, they could at least have enough respect and consideration to clean the house (i.e. wash dishes/laundry, vacuum, mop, etc.).”
“OP and his wife have no kids, so her refusing to do things is just disrespectful and inconsiderate.” – LadyTrucker23
“It has nothing to do with gender and all to do with laziness and entitlement.”
“I honestly don’t get these people. Only having to cook, clean, and maintain a house while the other person earns all the money is such a great deal and far easier than working.”
“I would love to have that kind of deal myself. All the people commenting it’s a full time 24/7 job are in fantasy land.” – benjm88
“I once dated a deadbeat that did not work, actively avoided trying to find work… I worked my a** off to carry us both financially, and still did all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc., while he played on the computer all day.”
“So glad I woke up and got myself out of that nightmare.”
“His excuses were that he shouldn’t ‘be expected to do everything,’ LOL (laughing out loud).”
“…OK, I guess I will do it all then. /s (ends sarcastic comment)” – warriorprincessdi
“NTA. Obviously, you will probably need to do a few random things around the house but no kids and she wants to stay at home implies that she is going to be managing the house and keeping it in order.”
“What was she expecting to do all day?” – DepressedHealingGod
Others agreed and pointed out the wife wouldn’t need to spend all day cleaning.
“If she’s the slightest bit capable, she should have no problems doing fun shit all day.”
“Keeping up the household with only 2 adults, one of whom is out of the house for at least 40 hours a week, should not be very difficult at all. She could easily set aside 1 or 2 hours each day for housework and then have the rest of the day to lamp. NTA for OP.” – possiblycrazy79
“OP’s wife wants a lifestyle that she can’t have. Chilling and having fun while the sole provider does most of the work.”
“OP is far from being ‘misogynistic’; his wife is the one who’s being misandrist. Being a SAHW means doing all household chores.”
“If they have kids, it would be fair for him to help with some things, but they don’t have any. That means the housework should take 8 – 9 hours at most.”
“Her giving him the silent treatment lands her in AH territory.” – GoodGirlsGrace
“In a normal house with high standards, it is 6 hours tops.”
“My mom recently retired and dad dumped all household tasks on her except for weekend cooking.”
“It takes her on busy days 6 hours. But they have 2 cats and she hovers and mops the floor twice a week along with all the work on the cats.”
“It could easily be boiled down to a full day of work once every other week with 2 hours of cooking and other minor work.” – HarithBK
“That was my arrangement with my ex, except he wanted to do his own laundry for his work clothes and he was the type of person who would do the odd job on weekends, whatever he felt like and if he felt like it though, and he would also fix things around the house because I’m not handy.”
“We didn’t have kids so it was like, I don’t know, 3-4 hours of work on the worst days and only because we didn’t have a dishwasher, it would have taken less if we did. It was really nothing with only two adults.”
“Now I have a child and despite it being just one tiny toddler, the housework is like 100x more for some reason and laundry never ends. But with two adults it was like meh.”
“I would literally just do whatever I wanted all day and just clean up here and there and I didn’t even notice it and then I’d cook dinner and wash two dishes and that was about it.”
“So NTA.”
“If she wants to stay home, her new job is to do housework. This will only become unfair if/when you have children because caring for a child is a whole other job which is overwhelming in on its own.” – bigmamma0
“NTA, I’ve been staying home for about a month now (I quit my job with my husband’s blessing, not permission) and will resume working in January.”
“I have been doing 99% of the taking care of the house because for the time being, that is my job.”
“It has nothing to do with being misogynistic or anything like that, it’s me contributing to keeping our household running.”
“Wife seems lazy and entitled and I fear this will only get worse for you, OP.” – LKayRB
“NTA at all. She is choosing to be a SAH wife. What’s she gonna do all day, watch Netflix?”
“Sure, she doesn’t have to be a maid or clean ALL day, but if she’s not working and there are no children, and you’re working a full time job, it’s fair for her to do more than you around the house.”
“Even when I was 18-19 with no job, I was expected to fold laundry, do dishes, vacuum etc. That was fair.”
“Being SAHW doesn’t mean you’re suddenly a Stepford Wife who just gets to sit there and look pretty, and it isn’t misogynist to expect chores of her. Like, if she was working and you were a SAH partner, you would be the one doing the chores.” – Spicy_ChaiLatte327
“NTA-In our household, if both of us are working full time, we split the chores. I shop and cook, he cleans the kitchen and does the laundry.”
“We split bathrooms and dusting vacuuming. I usually mop.”
Right now, because of Covid and my sh*tty former employer, I’m not working. All household chores are mine.”
“He is working full time, keeping our boat afloat. Whatever I can do to make this easier for him in the process is just being a good partner.”
“I will say, that in my opinion, marriage is not 50/50. It’s 100/100.”
“Both sacrificing for the other.” – gypsydiane8177
”
“NTA. Doesn’t make you misogynistic at all.”
“The stay at home spouse can be male or female. If they chose that route, they need to focus on the house.”
“That’s the whole bloody point!”
“While whoever the breadwinner is (again, it can be male or female) should focus on their career. And maybe a few chores around the house.”
“Generally the breadwinner does the outside chores (mow the lawn, take out the trash, and shovel snow).” – Fabulous_Night_1164
“I recently moved in with my long term boyfriend. Currently, he is working full time (he’s a machinist, so it’s a hard job) and made it clear that he has no problem paying for things and letting me stay for free.”
“That being said, when I’m not actively in school (college student, currently on break), I am in charge of keeping up with the house. Aside from when I got sick or had to help him at his shop, I have cooked every day, packed him lunches, kept the house as clean as possible, and taken care of our two dogs.”
“It’s not because he is misogynistic. It is because I currently have time and he doesn’t.”
“Being a SAHW is a legitimate job, but it’s just that. A job. It doesn’t mean that you can just be lazy while your partner supports you.”
“If she were going to school, taking care of a child, or working part time it would be different. When I start back up in a month, we will shift the weight of keeping up with the house so that neither one of us is overwhelmed.”
“That being said, that doesn’t seem to be the case. It makes me wonder what she expects to do all day.”
“As I’m sure you realize by now, you are 110% NTA.” – NoteRemedy
“NTA; I was unemployed for a short bit of this year, between quitting one job that treated me like sh*t, and finding an amazing job a month later.”
“My husband was so supportive in me leaving that job, and in that month I was unemployed he did not do anything at all around the house. Now that we’re both working and in school again, the household chores are split evenly.”
“But how would it ever be fair for one partner to go to work, make all the money to support their spouse, and then come home and also have to do chores because their wife has spent her whole day doing…. What exactly?” – courtlm
“NTA. What does your wife want to spend her days doing?”
“I was a SAHM for many years and managed to get most of the housework done within a few hours and would then spend time with the kids, grabbing a magazine and a cup of coffee during the kids’ naptime before cooking dinner.”
“When you do a little housework every day it’s relatively easy .. more like maintenance.”
“Mind you, I’m pretty lazy when it comes to cleaning but I would rather stay on top of things and not have to go into deep cleaning and scrubbing because I let things get out of hand.” – WarLazy7979
Though the OP felt conflicted because of his wife’s reaction, the subReddit insisted the wife needed a wake-up call.
We all work in some way, whether it’s by contributing our time and efforts into the home, or by making money, or both. If the wife wanted to stay at home, it meant her focus would need to be on the house.